Sunday, June 12, 2005

thoughts

I just watched a repeat of the Larry King Show. This 1 was hosted by Bob Costas & had as guests: Dick Cavet, Joan Paulie, Marriette Hartley & Dr. Kay Jamison. They are all bipolar. Marriette Hartley said that there is no shame to this disease. She said that more than 1 time. I just wanted to cry.
I feel so ashamed of who I am. And I feel that my family totally judges me because I'm on permanent disability due to bipolar disorder. 3 others in my family & all are still working. I worked until I was 40 but was unable to after that.
I feel like my family talks about me behind my back & wants me to pull up my bootstraps. (or some saying like that) Tarzan understands but I think thats because he sees me day in, day out. He knows how depressed I get & he can also tell me when I'm manic, many times before I realize that I am. Sometimes I get so embarassed when he tells me, even though he never says it in a mean way. I feel embarassed because I would've been speaking so insightfully or intelligently, not realizing that I'd be rambling & this is all but too familiar to him.
I dont want anybody's sympathy but I don't want their judgements either.


back to the cave....
jane

posted by jane at 9:59 PM