Monday, October 17, 2005

It's raining

I love the rain. I never tire of it, not even when they say we've had enough. So it seems appropriate that it's raining today, both physically & metaphorically. I can't stop crying. I am not depressed, I know this because I can identify what's got me down. When I'm depressed, I can just identify the problem as 'everything.'
Aunty, Caveboy, the change in Medicare/Medi-Cal, headaches, endless appointments I need to make and fear of someone else dying, are all overwhelming me right now.

My aunt has had a good life & I know that she's old, but I love her so much & I don't want to her to die. There aren't any other words to say; just sadness today.
Caveboy isn't doing good. I've talked to him 2 times in the past 1 1/2 months. He's working, but the pattern I see, with him, drinking and now drugs, is all too familiar. He uses his past episodes of depression & suicide attempts to try & manipulate myself & Cavegirl. My mom does things for him because she's afraid of what he might do, he doesn't even need to mention anything to her, he knows it's always on her mind. It's always on Cavegirl's & my mind too, he just doesn't know it. I'm afraid he's going to hurt or kill others while drinking & driving, end up in jail (which is the least of my fears), or end up dead...accident, murdered or suicide. I've let him know I'm always here, but I won't give him anymore money & I have definitely distanced myself. No matter how much I understand the rationale of tough love, it doesn't make it any easier. There is no consoling feeling even though I'm doing the right thing. The pain, the worry is so fucking deep inside of my heart; words don't exist in my vocabulary to describe this hurt. You know what it is? It's a sick & twisted waiting game...that's what it gets down to.
As much as I don't want to die, I want to die before Tarzan, my mom, or my kids die. See, I'm frustrated because the words for how I feel just are 'stuck' somewhere, but I can't find them. I'm tired of people dying, being sick, hurting...life just isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I think its hugely overrated.
Medicare is changing it's prescription coverage & since I'm also on State Aid, known in California as Medi-Cal and generically as Medicaid; I'm not sure how this will affect me. I call the Medi-Cal office & they say, 'don't worry, no changes.' Then give me the # to the Medicare office. But the problem is, there's nobody in the middle to translate this for me. Both are government entities, (yippee) one state, one federal, so it's a bunch of bureaucratic red tape. But if I do nothing, I may be stuck having to pay cash for my medicines, which are easily over $500 a month.
Which brings me to my headaches, the one I have today, that I've had daily since I mentioned it a week or so ago. Now when I turn my head to the right or left, I get this weird electrical twinge, I don't know how else to explain it. It's in my eyes, my neck & my ears. I also hear a constant ringing in my ears that sounds like an electrical line. I fell about a month ago, tripped over an uneven sidewalk & fell so fast I didn't have time to brace myself, except with 2 knuckles. I landed flat on my chest & fortunately, landed on the grass, not the sidewalk. I've had xrays of my chest taken (and also of my lungs to see if I have lung cancer, just as precautionary, because I know once you have the physical symptoms, it's too late) but I'm still waiting to hear from my doctor's office.
This brings me to my endless appointments. I hate leaving the house. The best way I can explain it is when I leave the house, I don't feel grounded. It's like a helium balloon on a string, anchored down with a weight. When I leave the house, it's like cutting the string....I'm just 'out' there. Once I get to my car the feeling is generally gone, but it's hell getting there.
So, the one time a week I stay with my aunt is a LOT of going out for me. I can never get enough of staying at home. But I have to make appointments for a mammogram, gynecologist, chiropractor, regular doctor, neurologist & the optometrist. If I call them, that will mean more than 1 appointment a week which means I'd have to go out of my house more than 2 times a week.
All the appointments, the fears of someone I love getting hurt or dying and my inability to figure out this Medicare stuff AND the fact that I can't even sew a stupid pocket for an apron has me 'stuck'.........stuck in some emotional paralysis.

posted by jane at 2:30 PM