Monday, October 10, 2005

A heavy heart

I can't sleep. I was fine until I started getting a headache, then realized it was in my left eye. A migraine. I went & laid in bed, then the crying started. I began thinking of Aunty & Lola. Tomorrow I go stay with my aunt for 4 hours, then I'll go back on Wednesday. I'm going tomorrow because Lola & my mom are going to the funeral of an uncle that died last week.
Death is on my mind. It's all around. It's like something is telling me that summer, in the scheme of life, is over. Gone are the days of laughter, sunshine & being carefree. Now, winter is here. Darkness, cold, death, it's all here & I can feel it breath on me. More are going to die, there will be no respite. I don't know if this feeling is because I'm bipolar, a sign of depression, or if it's truly a premonition of things to come.
The last thing I feel like hearing are cliches about 'everybody has to die'. This has nothing to do with eternity or religion or salvation, faith, spirituality. I'm sorry, but right now, F*ck all that.
My aunt is dying & has been given 6 weeks to 6 months to live. She's already on pain medicine 24/7 & pancreatic cancer is the most painful of all. An uncle that had it told my mom that if he weren't Catholic, he would have killed himself because the pain was so unbearable. He died a few months after diagnosis. Same with his wife, my aunt who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1996. She died 3 months after being diagnosed.
There are words that I can't find and so all I can do is cry. Lola is going to be 60 this week & she does not want to die. I know I've said this before, but this is her 3rd bout with breast cancer and it's just so f*cking unfair! I know life isn't fair, but f*ck this sh*t. (I'm trying not to cuss)
My heart just aches so deep inside. So much that it physically hurts. I don't want her to die.
Encouraging words are not doing the job right now. If positive thoughts paid off, Lola would be in prime health.
Last week when I went to stay with Aunty, I knew that Lola was there. As I was driving up the hill to the apartments I became overcome with sadness. It felt as though reality had a choke hold on me. In one year, I thought, they may both be gone. I started crying but I had to find a way to contain myself once I went in Aunty's home. I managed to do just that. Our visit was very pleasant. I think I'm going to ask her tomorrow if she'd like me to read to her.
Neither my aunt nor my cousin know that I'm despondent over this. I mean, they both know I love them very much, but I do not show this side of me to them. They need support & pleasantness.

Death is one of the downfalls of being in a large family with lots of relatives. Tarzan is almost 45 and has never been to a funeral. I've been to so many, I cannot remember them all. Funerals don't get easier with time. Each one still hurts & more for some than others.
I imagine what I'm saying makes no sense, or sounds like I"m whining, or I don't know what it may sound like. But I have to write about this because I can't talk with anybody about it, not in detail like I am.
I have this overwhelming fear that people are going to start dropping like flies. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live through the deaths of people I love either. I know that is very selfish.

My immediate dilemma is to find a way to not cry on my way to my aunts. For some reason, I know I'm avoiding thinking that Lola might die soon. There are benefits to knowing someone is dying as you can spend more time with them & prepare yourself. Nobody in my family has died a sudden death, with the exception of my Grandma who died at 101 years old, in 1993.
I'm open to any input, especially from people who have gone through this.

posted by jane at 12:22 AM