Monday, November 07, 2005

Sometimes feeling sucks

I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. It seems like my emotions cloud up what I want to say, then everything gets jumbled. I've hesitated writing about this, just because I was hoping it would just go away, but it hasn't. And I feel so selfish because right now, I'm just focusing on me, me, me. It's about how I see things & how I feel my life is just in the dumps right now.
Remember that saying, "When it rains, it pours?" That's what it feels like right now. Usually blogging lifts up my days, right now, nothing is. I've said something on 1 blog that has really offended that person & I can't blame him. It seems so many in the blogging world are feeling down or taking a break, so maybe it's the change of season, or the weather. I don't know.
I don't want to get out of bed, but my body aches & I can't lay down. Things that are my normal respite, aren't. It's at times like right now that I wish I could smoke pot to relax, but pot makes me hyper. Drinking alcohol is also out of the question. I can't take those normal escape routes that so many can. Well, I could, but I know what the end result would be, so I won't.
I don't like writing about conflicts between Tarzan & I because I can only communicate my side of it and that's really not fair to him. I hope the way I've worded this just focuses on how it affects me. Trust me, I can be a real bitch. So in no way am I claiming to be without blame. I just have to get this off my chest.
Last week Tarzan & I had a disagreement. Anyways, I'm not going to go into detail because it's not the disagreement that sticks with me. It's that when I asked him to stop, he said, "okay" but chuckled as he did. He knows how upset I get, uncontrollably upset. Yet, he didn't stop & kept on as though it was funny. Finally, I said, "Fu#k you" twice & hung up. (he was at work)
It just hurts me so much because if I knew my continuing to do something really hurt him; I'd stop doing it. But it seems the payoff for him is greater than my feelings. (And no, I'm not pms'ing)
So I went to bed that night at 6pm & didn't talk to him for 2 days. This is better than me ranting & cussing at him. Nothing was mentioned about the argument & won't be, unless I bring it up. This is where everything gets jumbled & I can't communicate. Any little thing since, just upsets me.
The bad part is, I know it will happen again & I've brought this up to him before. He gets a kick out of taunting a co-worker that's also passionate to a fault, about things. (In all fairness, he & this co-worker go back & forth) So it's not like he's unaware that he's taunting me & how upset it makes me. Then I start to get paranoid & feel like he's trying to make me crazy. Literally crazy.
It's no use trying to talk about it because it will turn into a "well you do this..." kind of thing. And he won't bring it up because he avoids confrontation.
Then I get resentful because I can't even escape like he can & always does by smoking pot. I can't do a damn thing except take 1 extra Ativan & go to sleep at 6pm & then wake up the next day feeling exactly the same way.
I am so angry & hurt & every other feeling that I don't want to feel. That's it in a nutshell, I just don't want to feel right now.

posted by jane at 1:37 PM