Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Rest of the Story

Thanks for the supportive & touching comments you've all left regarding the last post. I haven't replied to them, as I normally do, in the comment's section because this is very awkward for me. Since a few have asked if I left him & what his future was like, I've written this:

Until a few years ago, I didn't know what emotional abuse was, much less that I'd been a victim of it. During our marriage, I couldn't go anywhere with the few friends I had, couldn't go to Tupperware parties with co-workers, or even spend my own paychecks. He had me convinced that I was the worst person & mother that ever existed. I was by no means an angel, but I also wasn't innately evil, as I'd been convinced.
The worst times were when he drank. He'd have blackouts & wouldn't remember what he said or did. When I was a waitress, I'd eat for free after I got off work, by the time I got home, he was already drunk out of his mind & accusing me of having affairs. Obviously, I stopped eating after work. To this day I am extremely uneasy around anybody that drinks alcohol & it's one of the reasons I believe alcohol is one of the worst drugs.
Our pattern was pretty much 6 months-on, 6 months-off. On the 'off' months there was no regular visitation or any child support. While I was not in a good place myself because of drugs; he was in a worse place. I'd somehow managed to maintain a steady job, keep the kids in daycare, pay the bills, buy food and afford a habit. He just had his habit. When I left him for the last time, it was because I didn't want our kids growing up in that environment. I knew that without him, I'd hit bottom sooner & have to get off drugs. One year later, I did just that.

When I finally stood up to him, I filed for divorce. He threatened he was going to get custody of our kids. I called his bluff and went through with it. He didn't get a lawyer. He didn't even show up at court.
Our divorce was final in February of 1985, almost on our 3rd anniversary. In August of 1985, I entered my first drug rehab. I used heroin while in rehab & it was no surprise that when I left, I was using on a regular basis. The descent from there was swift. By February of 1986, I was in my 2nd drug rehab, this time for a total of 15 months. Thankfully, my oldest brother & his wife took care of my kids the entire time.
When I got out in May of 1987, my kids & I moved from the city I'd lived my entire life to a city about 60 miles south. My parents had moved there in 1985 & wanted us to join them.
When our divorce was final, my last name was changed back to my maiden name. My kids were using my last name even though it wasn't legally theirs. In 1988, I had both of their middle & last names changed. From then on, I never listed his name on any forms, for fear that he may find out where they went to school & steal them.
I've heard women say that being a single parent is difficult. For me, it was heaven. I could buy the kids whatever toys & clothes I wanted to. I could make decisions without having to ask, or worrying about what he'd say. The simplest of freedoms was a breath of fresh air.

Many of you have asked if he self-destructed. Well, yes and no. He'd been self-destructing since he was about 14 years old. On his behalf, I have to say, he had a childhood from hell. He also went through a drug rehab and many years of therapy. He's actually doing well now. He's been remarried for about 16 years, has been sober for 15 years & has another child.
Even though he only saw the kids a few times throughout the years, he now sees our son on a regular basis. My son has always needed a father & while my dad filled that void for many years, he passed away in 1993. My son has never been the same since. So the fact that he & his dad see each other a lot is a good thing. My daughter sees their dad perhaps a few times a year, but feels uneasy about it. She says the man she considered her father, died in 1993. Both of my kids believe I did the right thing for them. I never thought I'd say this, but their dad isn't a bad role model for them now & I no longer hate him.

posted by jane at 12:37 AM