Friday, January 20, 2006

My Son

As most of you know, I've got 2 adult children. My daughter Carly* is 25 and my son, Levi* is 23. Levi is bipolar. He's not under a doctor's care and although he works fulltime, he doesn't have insurance.
As a parent, it's difficult for me to write about him because my feelings are often conflicted. It's also difficult for me to see what I've said in writing & to read what others say. As wrong as he may be, I'm his mom & while I do get angry as hell at him, part of me still wants to protect him. Because I try to protect my kid's privacy, I write about them only when it's necessary for myself and that's usually because something is wrong. So it seems the reader would have to be getting a warped view of Levi.

The most difficult times are when someone is counting on him, he's a no-show & we don't hear for him for 12-72 hours. The other night I was awaken from my sleep; my heart pounding out of my chest. I turned on my computer & wrote down my thoughts.
The following is what I wrote:
"Thoughts of death, dread, horror, cluttered thoughts. It's Friday night & for some reason, I worry more about my kids on Friday-Sunday nights. Even though I know Carly isn't out. But I think of their home & all those crackheads in the vicinity & she's alone there 'cuz Levi is out. I imagine him dead somewhere. Shot. Worse though, I imagine him so badly beaten & left on the side of the road, in an alley, the street, something like that. He's so careless with life; he'll be exceptionally lucky if he makes it to his sanity someday. Rays of hope can be so deceptive."

Thanks to another blogger, I've come to some realizations about my son & in an odd sense, it's a relief. On Jon's blog he writes about his son, who is also bipolar. When I read it the other day a light went on in my head & I realized he'd just described Levi to a Tee. This brought me to the realization that until Levi stops drinking & gambling (addictions) and gets on medication, this will be his life. As a result, this is our family's reality, too.

This awareness has given the following insights:
1) I now understand that the rays of hope we see in Levi are very sincere.
2) His love for our family is also genuine.
3) While I can't let him use his illness as an excuse, so long as he doesn't seek help, I must realize his illness is indeed a factor in his behavior & decisions he makes. In all fairness to Levi, I must say here, he never uses the fact that he's bipolar as an excuse. I think it's something he'd rather forget about.

One of the biggest obstacles with mental illness (after getting properly diagnosed) is following your doctor's advice, getting on & staying on your medicine. Remember, this is an illness of the mind. I remember one time I was doing so well, I'd convinced myself I could do it without medicine. What a mistake that was!
Levi & I connect on a certain level because we're bipolar & understand each other in areas others cannot. On the other hand, we're so much alike, sometimes we both want to strangle each other. Our temperament is very much the same, we joke to a fault ~ not knowing when to stop and we say things without first thinking. Whenever I talk to either of my kids sometimes the in between part isn't so pleasant, but we always end by saying, "I love you." And I do.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent ;)

If anybody would like to read more, on my right sidebar is approx. 40+ blogs written by bipolar bloggers and/or their loved ones.

Technorati tags: bipolar, mental illness, alcoholism, gambling, addictions, family

posted by jane at 8:56 PM