Monday, November 21, 2005

Ups 'n Downs ' n Ups 'n Downs

I believe I'm in the midst of something awesomely spiritual, it seems almost sacred to me. Let me rewind a bit.
Friday night my mom called saying Aunty was declining & they gave her 2-3 days max. So, Saturday we drove together to spend time with Aunty & when we got there she was sleeping & her face was red. Lola asked if anybody wanted to walk to the pharmacy with her & I said I would. When we got back & walked in, my aunt was up in her bed, eating some broth. My mom, sister & Lupe were sitting around her. Then, Aunty, who supposedly couldn't see anymore, said, "Jane!" and put her arms out to me. I was about 10 feet away & my sister said to come & take her seat. So I went & gave Aunty a huge hug & kiss, sat by her & held her hand. Then I showed her my completed apron (this apron has GREAT significance to me, regarding her.) She admired it, examined it & then told me I needed to re-do the pocket. Ugh! (lol)
I am not watching someone who is being defeated or losing her dignity, I'm watching someone who is dying gracefully. She's been a pillar of strength, yet so soft, so very gentle & precious. In her most frustrating times she just wants to walk, to know more about her condition or to write letters. (we both love to write letters) Things she can no longer do because of the strong dosage of the pain medicine. But the things she says, the way she lights up a room, the effect she has on people she's just recently met; it's profound.

What I find so special about this small circle of women that's encircled Aunty is that in our core, the very reason for us being there, is an older, wiser, loving & faithful woman who, in a very odd way, is teaching us to live life, even in death's grasp. She's teaching us to die with dignity and grace, and like a precious queen bee, we all want to surround her so she can do exactly that.
Aunty was tired yesterday as she didn't sleep much during the night. She still managed to exercise her arms, legs & stand up for a few moments. Lola did Aunty's hair for her later in the day & when asked if she wanted to see herself in the mirror, she nodded her head, "Yes." They gave her a hand mirror & her nurse said, "You look beautiful, like a movie star!" Aunty replied, "You're telling me!"

Originally, this post was supposed to end with the above sentence. If one thing is certain, it's that this experience is like a rollercoaster. Within hours things can go from drastic to elated, almost to where I forget she's dying. On another day, such as today, it goes from pleasant to sad again. The realization is back, I never should have forgotten, if even for a moment, that Aunty is going to die very soon.

I talked with my sister today, she told me that while visiting our aunt yesterday, Aunty said she's ready to die, but then said, "I wish could spend more time with Jane." Of course, I was moved to tears. There's some special bond between Aunty & I, we just get each other. I'm going to visit with her for a few hours tomorrow.
Then, this evening I talked with Lola & she said Aunty mentioned today something blocking her from swallowing. When Aunty was first diagnosed, Hospice told Lola that approx. 7-9 days before she dies, she will complain of not being able to swallow.
Your prayers have been so strong, please pray that God has mercy on her & she doesn't suffer long.

posted by jane at 10:49 PM