Wednesday, June 15, 2005

insomnia

I cant sleep. I'm analyzing everything about me. Worrying. Stressing out. My eyes are tired but not my body. My head hurts. And I started reading about something I knew I shouldn't.
I want to cuss & kick & scream. But you know what? Nobody is here to hear me. Or hold me.
And I'm so worried about my prescriptions, comes January 2006, I just want my life to end. I hate when I get like this.
It's the kind of thinking right now that I feel this is a curse of some sort. Like I'm being paid back for something. And while I've punished myself as much as I possibly can (and more), I still feel guilty.
Its the world against me. THEM against me. Though I know that isnt really how it is, that is how my minds eye sees it right now.
This is what scared me about Tarzan leaving. I'm not too confident in myself right now & wish I could call somebody. But it's midnight here & I dont want to wake or alarm anyone & I really have nothing to say.
And I know that I'm posting too much on my blog, another thing I was analyzing earlier, but I just dont care. And if I'm going to write this, I'm going to write it for ME. I have to.
I know tomorrow, in the light, the sun shining & this dread gone with the night, I'm going to want to delete this entry. This is the scary stuff. If I leave this entry, then my turmoil is just a click away. Literally.
It would be brave of me to leave it & just know its there. I so don't want to be like this. But at the same time, this is the only me I know.

posted by jane at 11:58 PM