Wednesday, August 24, 2005

the beginning, at last

When I went to my pdoc on August 10th, I was crying. I told him some things about the 9th & he gave me 2 options:
1) I could self admit to the psychiatric hospital in the town I live in
OR
2) He would 51/50 me to the County ETS. <<< that's not good. 51/50 in California means you're being committed against your will & you'll be there at least 72 hours. ETS is a County facility. What more do I have to say? It's County!
I'd had a 1 night stay at ETS back in 2000 when I tried to O.D. I can't recollect most of it because I was shuffled to the E.R. & then back to ETS. As ugly as that place was, it was also comical. Some girl was pouring salt & pepper on some sleeping cholo's head & he'd keep waking up to see what was happening. We'd all just pretend nothing was happening & he'd go back to sleep & she'd do it again. Oddly enough, I was out by about 2p.m. the same day.

I took door number 1 & went to the local psychiatric hospital. I was interviewed, which is customary because you have to meet certain criteria to be admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital. That day is really pretty much a blurr. I can remember other people from the first few days, but not myself. my pdoc said I was having fits of crying, which wouldn't really surprise me. As I write this, it seems like so long ago, maybe I don't want to remember, I'm not sure.
It was like walking into One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The people were old & they seemed nuts. Some stuck in these chair that looked like giant highchairs with trays & all, just sitting there making guttural noises. I noticed there were no "AWOL" signs on the doors, which was a good thing; it wasn't a locked facility. They also didn't use restraints as everybody was there voluntarily. No padded cells, another good thing. (I'd never been in one, but had seen one before.)

Snaggletooth was my roommate. She arrived about 2 weeks before I did & the entire time I was there, she moaned about the possibility of having to move to a board & care. She's the most negative person I've ever been around in my lifetime. (As of yesterday, she's still there.)
I will usually laugh regardless of how dire the situation. I try to take the life lightly...well, until depression hits. But that week in there, I can't say of 1 time we laughed.
Every single thing was about her. Every group session (ugh) she attended that I attended, she'd bitch or whine & the leader always said it was the same as the last time she shared. Some didn't want to call on her because it was just the same 'ol same 'ol.
One time when Tarzan was visiting, just out of the blue, she said, "I'd be a lesbian if I didn't like men so much." Well....okay...
Maybe you're wondering how she got her name: Snaggletooth. It wasn't easy to come by, believe me.
Her teeth.
I think the bottom teeth were okay, but on the top teeth, the only ones visible were her incisor teeth. All the others were gone. She had the worst breath I've ever smelled in my life. I mean from 2-3 feet away & it didn't matter if she just brushed & used mouthwash.
Well, ugh...the recollection is painful here....we stored our issued toothbrushes & toothpaste in the restroom; they were identical, but stored on separate sides of the shelf. I noticed once my toothbrush was on the right side instead of the left. I thought perhaps I'd made a mistake so I moved it over. Then, it happened again. That was it! I called Tarzan & had him bring me my own toothbrush & dental hygiene things. I kept them in my nightstand.
I mentioned to her that she'd used my toothbrush & she apologized. A few days later she told me that all of her top teeth (what was left) were rotten & had to be pulled.
And she had used my toothbrush! :(
Not only that, she told me she has pyorrhea!
And she had used my toothbrush TWICE! :(
I'm going to the dentist soon.
She also didn't wipe, flush or wash once when she went to the restroom. This was no Camp Powderpuff.

It was very difficult at times to try & stay positive, it seemed like she literally stole any hope of light that I saw coming my way. I didn't want to talk to her about anything, because without fail, she'd turn the subject onto her & her problems.
Hearing her talk about how many mental hospitals she's been in scared the crap out of me. She said both her boyfriend & her son had gotten tired of her many suicide attempts. Her boyfriend left her & her son had her committed. She blamed them for her situation. The complacency in which she spoke about it was unreal.
But she was good for me. There, staring me straight in my face was what I will become if I don't accept personal responsibility & keep myself mentally as healthy as possible.

1 memory that I will never forget from that place, is the way I felt at dining room. First of all, the food there was out of this world! We had cheese enchiladas, pork roast, roast beef, it was all delicious. There was a group of 5 or 6 of us women who ate together. I've never in my life felt as though I've fit in with any group of girls/women. It may have looked from the outside like I belonged with the crowd, but inside, I never did. This was the first time that I immediately belonged. I didn't have to make any extra effort, there was some sort of bond we all shared. Maybe it's that we all knew we weren't perfect, so no false pretenses were ever even attempted.

95% of the staff was kind & respectable. Everything I hope to store from my stay in that hospital will be positive or humorous because I never want to go back. I have a great support system, a boyfriend, mom, kids, sister & a pig that love me. An able body to exercise, a good therapist & pdoc & the desire to live a productive life. I may write about my stay there another time, but for now, I want to lay this to rest.
Thanks to all of you for your support.

posted by jane at 12:00 AM