Monday, August 22, 2005

The DICK Club

Ohh yeah, The DICK Club. All 3 members of The DICK Club were employees at Club Medication aka the psychiatric hospital, while I was a guest last week. There were a few requirements for this club:

1) You had to be in a profession for which you didn't give a damn about. Everybody in contact at work must be well aware that you are ill-suited for your position including, but not limited to: peers, supervisors & clients.

2) Your penis had to grow no longer than 4 inches at full erection. This would be evident by the exaggerated ego you'd display towards completely vulnerable patients.

3) The girth of said penis must be no more than 1 inch. Everybody who came in contact with you would know this the way your head would bobble on top of your shoulders. After all, that is the only head larger than your thumb, right?

King of The Dick Club was Eric the Social Worker. (yes, Eric is his real name) A Social Worker that surprisingly, nobody could stand, even staff. Eric thought he was the big dick around town & everybody but Eric thought he was nothing more than a pathetic joke & knew he had a gnome's penis.

King Dick turned in 2 recommendation's for me to STAY at Camp Cuckoo, the last one was because I'd had a migraine for 2 days. I'd taken all the Midrine I could in 24 hours, so my regular physician came & prescribed me Vicodin. I took 2 in a 6 hour period. When Eric came by my room to see why I didn't attend his retarded group, I told him I wanted to go home and his reply was, "Hmmm, you have a migraine & your doctor gave you a vicodin." I told him I didn't see how he had any say in my staying or going as he never took the time, in the 5 days I'd been there, to have a 1 on 1 conversation with me. He said that was because I'd never attended his groups. (Gee, that still wouldn't be 1 on 1, would it?) He pulled that kind of passive-aggressive bs with everybody there & that is why he is king of The DICK Club.
Upon my leaving, I wrote up Wanna-be-king-of-The DICK Club (below) and at the bottom, I listed the group leaders I thought were good. Then I wrote: Eric sucks.

Wanna-be-king-of-The Dick Club, Alan was a charge nurse who never wore his badge. Why? Because he never wanted to be bothered by us peons. He just wanted to click away at the computer. The morning after I'd had a migraine all day, I woke up @ 6:45a.m. still with a headache. I asked Alan if he'd please call my physician & see if he'd prescribe something for my migraine. He said they couldn't unless it was an emergency. I didn't give up & Alan finally referred me to Lisa, a beautiful & kind Asian nurse that went above & beyond her duty. So, I found Lisa & asked if she could help.
As we were talking, a patient nearby fell. Lisa was helping her up. Alan & another nurse came down the hall. Alan looked at me with what can only be described as contempt as asked what I was doing there. I said I did what he said & found Lisa to help me. He said to go to my room. I asked him why he treated us all like morons. He said, "Maybe you are a moron." To which I passionately replied,"You fucking jackass." And he said, "You'd better watch you're language, lady!" I replied, ever so ladylike, "Fuck off, Alan!" I turned & walked to my room.
My physician did come in later that morning & gave me medicine for my migraine. And the following morning I wrote a complaint about Alan, as I'm sure he wrote one about me. (Alan is his real name, too)

Notorious Inverted Dick Jester Jim (Yep, real name) is the last member of the ever so esteemed DICK club. He was a fill-in social worker for dipshit Eric, because Eric had too much work to do. So, here I was stuck with a man that said, "I See" and "um hmm" way too often. My interview wasn't until on my 3rd day & he pissed me off. He asked what my goal was & I said to go home. He said in this sick, sadistic voice, "Oh but I hope you'll stay with us a while." This was on a Friday & I knew by his tone I was stuck there for the entire weekend! I wished so badly that I could pull a Linda Blair on him, spin my head & vomit cornflakes with pea soup right in his stoic face!

He wanted me to sign a document from my original intake & the woman wrote that I'd said I was hearing voices, was in fear for my own safety & that my brother (Osama) resented me from birth. The latter of the 3 was true & I told him he could call my mother to verify that. The first 2 were flat out lies & I wasn't signing any such document. That 'hearing voices' shit is schizophrenic & I WON'T let that be part of my official record unless I heard some voices!! Because I wouldn't sign a false statement, this prick of dicks wrote that I was non-compliant & refused to sign paperwork, thus leading my pdoc refusing to let me out later that day. That is how Jim got initiated into The DICK Club!

As you can see, I'm quite picky & passionate about who can get into this exclusive club; it's just not for every Tom, Dick & Harry. I made a suggestion to the Director of Nurse's (I think I surprised these idiots that I could actually put my thoughts onto paper) and said I think employees should have to stay a few days in a psychiatric unit without the staff knowing they're not really a patient. Let them see how it feels when someone who has your freedom in their hands acts like a nonchalant pompous ass. Touche!

posted by jane at 11:26 PM