Thursday, September 01, 2005

mission critical

my blogger friend, Pequeno Tigre, fortunately told me of this plan, mission critical. That's where I think I am right now. My moods go way high to way low, but they've been going into crying fits more than anything the last few days.
I can't call anybody. I can't call my pdoc for 1 he'll want me to go to his office & i dont have a car. for 2, he'll want to put me back in the hospital and there is no way in hell i'm going back there. if i refuse to go, he'll put me in HELL! i'm not suicidal! i'm not going to take pills. i'm just really depressed & overwhelmed.

my bipolar friends i've met online have helped me more than any professional help i've ever gotten. thats not to put professionals down, but the help i get from other bp's is tried & true. i can't call tarzan cuz i'm upset with him over something that tomorrow will seem silly, so i know its mostly cuz i'm overwhelmed with other things going on in my life. my neck is so tense & i'm just sad.
i can't talk to anybody in my family cuz they're full of advice & i just have to live thru this. no advice, no walking or writing or anything. i've been exercising twice a day.

i live for 4 people. never myself. so those 4 people are like the stilts that hold this house (me) up. and when 1 of those stilts gets knocked down, which 1 is right now, i'm devastated. but now, another 1 is too. (meaning i'm upset with another 1, tarzan) so, my house is falling.

so tigre, i'm typing and breathing cuz its all i can do right now. and drinking water. if only i could type and my hurt would exhale & leave my body. it feels like its embedded so deep in my soul. i think maybe i should readjust my mood stabilizer. i take 300 mg in the afternoon, it starts affecting me around 5 or 6pm. then the rest 1500 mg i take at bedtime. my pdoc knows this. tomorrow i'll take 300 in the morning & see if that helps. just to get thru this time right now. i'm going to lay down & see if i can get some sleep for awhile, i havent been getting much of that lately.

posted by jane at 3:45 PM