Thursday, September 01, 2005

That sinking feeling

There is nothing in life to prepare a parent for finding out their child has grown into an irresponsible adult & hasn't become a good person. I've done the 'he's a good person, just making bad choices' for over 10 years, honestly. He's bipolar & an alcoholic BUT also knows of EVERY resource available to him & has numerous family members he could reach out to. He's chosen a different path.

I woke up this morning feeling as though I'd been crying all throughout my sleep. But I hadn't. I was exhausted from yesterday, from crying, from worrying, not just about Caveboy. Mostly about Cavegirl & my mom. He's drinking & gambling excessively & it's now affecting them, not just emotionally, but in other ways also.
I intentionally didn't have my kids raised around their dad's side of the family so they'd have a fair shot at life & now, it's like I'm watching his dad at this age all over again. But this is a rerun I don't want to see. Cavegirl tried to talk to their dad about the problems they're having & he turned around and told Caveboy EVERYTHING she said. I know he didn't do that maliciously, but still, Caveboy came home & lit into her verbally. That's another thing their dad did & I remember too well.
That's what's breaking my heart. Cavegirl is really one of the most loving, sweetest young ladies & I hate to think of her being yelled at & called 'pathetic' and a 'loser' and other horrible names. They're locked in a house they're leasing together for 1 1/2 more years. She knows I'm available 24/7 to go to her if she needs me. We do have a plan if she ever feels her safety is threatened or if he physically does touch her. He'll be arrested & charges pressed & not dropped. It's come to that.
He's done some things I'm too ashamed to write even anonymously. One night when I went over he was so drunk, when I heard the things he was saying, I understood why he's gotten jumped as many times as he has.I'm too ashamed to repeat what he said.

My heart is torn & sad & worried & angry & just broken & crushed into so many tiny pieces it's unimaginable unless you've lived it. I'm not looking for advice, to be honest, I don't want any. I just had to let this out. I was going to turn off my comments for this post, but right now, I selfishly & desperately need your words of encouragement. Somehow they always help me get thru things.

Please, please, please keep them both in your thoughts & prayers. I'm praying that Caveboy hits bottom fast, I think the safest place for him right now would be jail. That may sound cold, but if you consider the alternatives; it's not. And I'm praying Cavegirl is kept safe, just ask God to keep angels all around her.

posted by jane at 12:13 PM