Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Letting Go

It’s approximately 2pm pst. & I just happen upon Old, Old Lady of the Hill’s blog. Prior to this, I was reading some of the comments on my post. But it’s now that I realize I won’t be there when Aunty passes on. OOLOTH’s post is about the day President Kennedy died, as I’m recollecting it, I also realize that I need to let go. I remember when another aunt died in 1996, one of the things they told my cousins (other cousins) was that they needed to let her go. Hospice also said many times a person has difficulty ‘leaving’ when people around them are sad.
I get up & begin lighting candles for Aunty. I get new candles out, I light candles that were just too pretty to light before. I don’t know the significance of candles, I just know that it’s what I'm doing. Then I sit for a few moments & talk to Aunty. I tell her how much I love her, that she'll always be with me. But that it's okay to go now. I let her know I’m letting go of her & envision a dove in my arms, opening my arms & letting it fly away, up to the heavens. I say other things, too private to share.
I remember about a month ago we thought she’d die within a week. We’ve been given this extra time with her, days I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. I’ve memorized her face, the touch of her skin, her voice. She will always be inside of my heart.
I know that she wants to go, she needs to go. Today she asked my mom & cousins, “What’s taking so long?” She wants to be free of this body she no longer has control of & a life that will be better carried on in a new home. When I visit her from now on, there won’t be any sadness in my heart. There will be a time to be sad; it isn’t now.
When I say you're caring, kind words & prayers mean a lot to me, magnify that many, many times. I wouldn’t have come to these realizations without you.
I’ve decided that I am going to try & make this my last post about Aunty. The rest of her minutes, or days, will be private. Solemn.

posted by jane at 2:34 PM