Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Long Day

As with every time I visit Aunty, tonight is no different. Normally when I’m visiting & I come home, I’m at ease. As the hours wear on, I become restless, irritated, argumentative & then, tearful. Tearful, mind you, is an understatement. I will readily admit I cry because of my own selfishness; I’m desperately going to miss my aunt. So desperately, that I’d venture to say no word has yet been created to measure this magnitude. I wasn’t going to write a post again today, but it’s important for myself that I do.
Yesterday I made soaps for the Christmas gift bags, I picked out a special one to take to my aunt. It was a rather simple one (no loofah) and was poured into a cupcake mold but it was gold & chartreuse. Even though her eyesight isn’t what it used to be, I figured she’d be able to see the contrast of colors.
When I first arrived she was sound asleep in her recliner; she hadn’t slept all night long. The nurse said nights are when she’s restless, so I decided that I’ll call tonight & if she’s restless, I’ll go sit with her. * (more on this at end of post)
Anyways, after being there about an hour, Aunty woke up. We talked for a little bit & then I told her I had a surprise for her. I explained I’d brought her some soap, but I made it especially for her. Oh, you would’ve thought I’d brought her gold. She held it in her hands admiring it & kept bringing it to her nose to smell. Then she complimented me again on the apron. I had to correct her in that it is OUR apron as I never would have been able to make it without her.
She ate a little bit and then asked what time it was. Lupe told her it was about 1:30pm. She asked what day it was. We looked at each other, puzzled. (neither of us could automatically remember what day it was) I said, “It’s Tuesday.“ Then she said, “I wonder if he’s going to come for me today.” (I thought she meant God) I asked her, “Who?” She said, “David.” David is my nephew who visited her last week. So I said that I knew how much she really liked him. She said, “Oh, yes!”
Later, when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath there was a knock on the door. It was David. Not my nephew David, but the pianist David, the one Aunty has a crush on! Here I originally thought she was wondering if God was coming for her today & she meant the handsome piano player! Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to see him as she was being bathed.

I called Lola tonight to see how she was doing & let her know I was thinking about going over & sitting with her mom. it’s then she informed me that something was terribly wrong with Aunty. To cut to the chase, they’d taken Aunty off of all but 1 Ativan yesterday. Instead, they put her on Haldol ~ supposedly for anxiety & to help her sleep. She’s also been kept on the LOWEST dosage of liquid morphine (Roxinal) instead of having it increased as it should have been. Aunty had an adverse violent reaction to the Haldol this evening. This is a woman whose cuss words are: golly & gosh. I won’t go into anymore detail, but at 9pm we were still waiting for the Hospice Nurse who said she had 1 more stop at 4pm to get to my aunt’s. Lola is trying to find a way to help Aunty get sleep during the night. She’s been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night & that, just in increments. As of tonight, she’s off the Haldol, back on to the Ativan & the dosage of Roxinal is finally being increased.
I know Lola & Lupe have done everything, sometimes too much to take care of their mom. I can say firsthand that it is devastating to find that those you trust in caring for a loved one are doing an inadequate job. And for your loved one, who is already suffering, to suffer unnecessarily, is beyond words.
We’ve agreed that there’s no need for my mom to know what happened to Aunty & hopefully, Aunty won’t remember. I am so exhausted that I don’t think I’m going over tomorrow, but (and I know this is backwards) I’m so afraid that she’ll die when I don’t go over & I’ll always regret seeing her one more time, when I could have.

posted by jane at 10:38 PM