Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Closure

I feel like this is the first time in forever that I can actually relax, respond to comments on my blog & finally start catching up on my blog list reading. I have not even attempted to do so the last few days, because I knew I could only read a few & would feel guilty about the rest. I really busted ass last night & today working on my Christmas gift bags & should meet my goal of Friday morning. Then, It's back to full-time blogging for me! :)
Note: I've got a new tenant. It's Dan!! He owns "Scenes From A Wasted Life", another of my favorite blogs. I will be writing a post dedicated to his blog tomorrow evening, but if you've got a moment, click on the blog logo at the top of my right sidebar.

Yesterday was the ceremony to scatter my aunt's ashes. There were just about 15 family members there, but it actually made it much more touching for each of us. We boarded a 3 story yacht called "The White Light" and it took us from Newport Harbor (I think it's called that) to a specific longitude/latitude in the ocean. In California, you can only dispose of human ashes in specific places. When the yacht stopped, my cousin's Pastor said a few words, very simple but meaningful. Then the skipper came & gave everybody a flower from a basket. Under the flowers was a cloth napkin, in which my aunt's ashes were. Holding on to the napkin, he released the ashes into the ocean. It was a beautiful scene that I'll never forget. The ocean water was a very deep bluish green & I could actually see her ashes as they sunk in the water, some 20-30 down. As they were going down, they looked as though they were a beautiful cloud in the sea. After, they played some music which at any other time would have been corny, but at this time & on this occasion, it was perfect. There was lots of tears & hugs but all of us felt comfortable as it was a very small circle of family.

On Saturday was Aunty's memorial service. It was held at a Catholic church & the Priest was from Ireland. The Priest knew my aunt personally, so he shared a lot about her. He referred to Aunty as a social butterfly & boy, that fit her well. He said that as we get older, the fewer people there are that attend our funeral. But then he said that didn't seem to be the case here, as there were over 200 people at her memorial. The music was beautiful, as well as the readings. A lady sang "Ave Maria" which is a song MamaGrande sang when she was alive. My cousin's daughter gave the eulogy & it was a beautiful letter she'd written to her Grandma. I don't know how she managed to read the entire letter without breaking down. When she was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The service was very nice & represented quite well, who my aunt was.

Aunty passed away early on Dec. 3, 2005. I hadn't seen her since the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, as she'd fallen into a slumber. I'd been bothered by the fact that the last time I saw Aunty, I said I'd be back. I wanted to keep my word to her. But I didn't know if I could handle seeing my aunt in that condition, didn't know if she'd know I was there & was afraid this memory would replace all the others. The morning of Dec. 2nd, I talked with my therapist & decided that I would visit my aunt. When I talked to Lola in the early evening, she told me Aunty had 6-24 hours to live. On Dec. 2nd, there were 8 of us there with her, as well as her nurse. She was very peaceful & amazingly, very beautiful. I did go see her with my mom in the evening. I sat by her, held her hand, kissed her cheek, memorized her face, and cried.

My cousins have given me a couple of Aunty's things. One that I asked for was a little pillow Aunty had received during a stay in the hospital some years back. That pillow was always right by her & I love having it in my room with me. Rather than have donations sent to medical charities, my cousins asked they be donated to the small church Aunty attended for so many years in Arkansas. Aunty's clothes are on their way to Poland. A 95 year old resident where Aunty lived sends clothing to her family in Poland. My aunt would love knowing her clothes & financial donations would be helping those in need. Also that they were going to the country where Pope John Paul II was from.

While Aunty was alive, I did okay writing my feelings down. Since her death, I'm having a difficult time with it. I have a difficult time when I see pictures of her before she was sick; just 3 months ago. Her being gone seems very surreal. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful she's not suffering, thankful I was able to spend so much time with her...I just miss her so much that it hurts inside. There are stories she shared & experiences about this that I haven't written about. I plan on writing about them as the proper time arises.

posted by jane at 8:10 PM