Sunday, February 05, 2006

Flat

I’m flat. Until recently, I’ve never really known what this term meant. Last week I started phase II of my meds, gradually getting off of Neurontin & started on 5mg of Abilify. Both medicines are considered mood stabilizers & hopefully, Abilify will work for me. My sleep has been all screwy & my mood is well….flat…at best. I’m just in between states. Not happy; not sad. Not sleepy; not awake. I’m bored, yet because I got so little sleep last night, my concentration isn’t good enough to read blogs & comprehend what I’m reading.
I’ve even been thinking of having a drink of alcohol, but I know I can’t. I have to say though, yesterday I was the closest I’ve been in about 4 years. I just wanted a shot of something ferocious, like say scotch or brandy. (are those ferocious?) Something that would soothe & relax me, just to take the edge of, to help me sleep. I hate how all alcohol tastes, so I just wanted to drink it fast & feel relief. Funny thing though, I’ve got this automatic association in my head with that & becoming a junkie again. Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end. It could end with me starting to use heroin again. Heroin aside, I’m hugely against alcohol. I think it’s the most dangerous & deadly drug there is. I can’t hardly be against something that I consume.
Those of us who are fortunate enough to have a loving significant other are truly blessed. I’m not the bitch from hell or anything (not usually) but I can be a difficult person to live with. During times like these, Tarzan is very supportive, gives me space & cuts me some slack. All I can say is, poor Tarzan.
I know this too shall pass. A matter of days, maybe a week, then Cheeta will do something hilarious & I’ll laugh so much my face will hurt. And it will dawn on me; I’m laughing again! Soon it will be a nice day.

Almost forgot…If you haven’t done so yet, please check out Hippy’s blog up in my right sidebar. She’s waiiiitingg

Technorati tags: neurontin, abilify, alcoholism, bipolar

posted by jane at 6:37 PM

Check Out Peepeehead's Wife!

KSHIPPYCHIC is one cool muchacha. She's a photographer, mom and wife to Peepeehead! Yeah, you've heard of him, right? She is also diabetic and as such as started a kick ass regime of exercise & proper diet; she's even hired a personal trainer that's too hot to handle! Seriously though, she's my inspiration. I'm also diabetic & need to be doing what Hippy is doing. I am amazed at her determination! The girl is hilarious & I won't spill the beans, but read back on some of her posts & you'll see the antics I'm referring to.
This is 1 blog that has a lot of everything: sincerity, humor, love, photographs and true grit! See where it says CLICK IT on my right sidebar? You know the drill! Thanks.

posted by jane at 1:11 AM

Friday, February 03, 2006

Guess Who's Moving? ;)

I am! Yep, I'm going to be moving my blog soon to www.janelovestarzan.com. I'm both excited & nervous about this as I'll have to transfer everything to my new domain. I'm going to be the Mistress Of My Domain and we all know what a hoot that can be! I expect the entire process to take about 30 days. Included in this time frame is me getting used to my new home.
Here are some of the details: I got the domain name at GoDaddy.com for about $10 a year, plus hosting via GoDaddy for $3.95 a month. The hosting service has 99.9% guaranteed uptime, which is a much better uptime than my present service. WordPress is free via Wordpress.org. And I've chosen Linux as opposed to Windows.

If you've gone through this yourself; I'm open to all advice, ideas, tips, etc.
~ For example, some of you have .com's, but I notice you still are a member of Blogger. How do you do that? Do I have to keep this blog open to keep my Blogger I.D.?
~ Do I have to ask everyone who has me listed on their blog to please change my url? Or is there some way to do it automatically?
~ Do you have problems with people trying to hack your website?
~ Do you know of problems I should anticipate that I've not had to deal with on Blogger?

I'm going to make a little contest: I'd like a tagline for my website. If anybody suggests one that I choose to use, I'll let you put a post on my blog OR if you prefer, I will write a post about your blog & link it. I realize that's not anything really significant, but it's all I have to offer. It's totally up to you. Are you game? C'mon n help a girl out, please.
(example: Any day above ground is a good day) ((except that's not original))

Of course, I'm not doing the move myself, but having someone who is actually competent in this area do it for me. (I highly recommend Gry for blog designs & help, such as she's doing for me right now.) When I move, I surely hope you'll visit. :)

ps...There were some technical problems with my blog. I've fixed the (strikethru) error that was effecting most of my blog. Also, for some reason, Blogger didn't post about 5 messages that were left. Fortunately, I also have them mailed to me, so I have read them all & thanks to all who left a comment.

Technorati tags: domain, www.janelovestarzan.com, go daddy, wordpress, linux

posted by jane at 3:49 PM

Thursday, February 02, 2006

It's Cara Cara Time!

 
 
Cara Cara oranges are in the navel family & known for their vibrant reddish orange color. They're the juiciest & most flavorful oranges I've ever tasted. They are only available a few months of the year & right now is their prime. I absolutely love these oranges! If you've eaten one before, I'd like to hear if you liked them as much as I do. They're located at better specialty produce stores, such as: Trader Joe's & Henry's, however, our local market also carries them. If you can find them, try one!

Technorati tags: cara cara oranges, navel oranges

posted by jane at 6:46 PM

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

2008 Presidential Poll

Okay, put on your imagination cap & let's play a game. In our little world there is a strong third political party called The Centrist Party. As you may suspect, it's views are between the Republicans & Democrats. Here are some Presidential Tickets. Being that you have to pick one, which ticket do you pick? Why? If you can't pick from amongst these candidates, you may pick your own HOWEVER they must be 1 from the Democratic Party & 1 from the Republican Party. Please explain why you chose them.

1. Condoleezza Rice & Hillary Clinton

2. Joe Biden & Condoleezza Rice

3. Hillary Clinton & John McCain

4. John McCain & Joe Biden


Oh yeah, I almost forgot. In order to avoid the IRS Audit Curse for 2006, visit The Neurotic Closet Bitch's blog on my upper right sidebar PRONTO! If you don't, well....I'm just tryin' to help ya..

Technorati tags: centrist, politics, poll

posted by jane at 9:51 PM

Seeking Clarification

Tomorrow I see my Psychiatrist. He's rather a funny fellow from India. I plan on giving him Manica's list of 25-Fun-Things-to-do-at-your-Psychiatrist's. If I'm not strapped down to a gurney and still able to enjoy free movement, I've got something serious I want need to discuss with him. Let me forewarn you: this is that lovely time of month when I should be armed with nothing more than a chocolate bar.
From 1995-1996 I was seeing a different Psychiatrist for depression. This pdoc put me on Prozac & all was well, but a few months later, I became manic. (but I didn't know what mania was, or that I was) From 1996-2000 is a foggy part of my life. The personality problems all began with the visits the pdoc in question. I want to slowly get some clarification for myself. I would like to ask my present pdoc if he can obtain my old records from my old pdoc, who, by the way, is now dead.
I realize my pdoc probably cannot let me look at the records myself, but he could tell me what my medications where & what side effects I complained of. (Remember, during this time, I hadn't even heard of Bipolar Disorder & was completely ignorant to anything pertaining to mental health or medicinal.) This is very difficult for me to write or even think about because when I do, all these voices go off in my head: you're responsible for you, it ultimately falls on your feet, don't be a victim. But I'm not looking to be a victim.
I want to know when I started on Prozac,when I started having problems, when my comments should have been red flags that I was going 100mph into Mania! Why didn't he see this? Was he working for my employer & afraid to diagnose me as Bipolar?
What I described for him was clearly risky sexual behavior that was never prevalent in my life before this episode. Was it the medicine? Stress? Pressure? Do you have any idea how humiliating it is, as a responsible mother, to sit & describe for this stranger your sudden eccentric behaviors? And then to have that dismissed as though I'd just told him I ate a Caesar Salad for lunch! Why didn't he help me?

I realize I'm being vague. Very vague. I can hardly put what I'm writing in writing. The bottom line is that by the end of 1996, I was by no means the person I was in January 1996. The part that bothers me is, I didn't want to change. My life wasn't the best of anything. It was actually very boring. I loved having a boring life. Work, kids, kids sports, just stuff like that. But it was my life that I'd made since I got clean. It was our family, just the 3 of us. And within a few months, it was gone. I was gone.
I'm not under any false assumption that I can get any of this time back, or that things can be undone. Of everything in life, it's my biggest regret. What really angers me though, is it wasn't my mistake & it was preventable. I have to stop writing about this right now.

So, I need to know how to word this to my pdoc so he won't just shoot my idea down. I need this information desperately. If I could just sort out some things, well, that would help.
I realize this post may make no sense at all. Hopefully it will to me in the morning. This feeling that goes with what I do & what I don't remember is one of extreme insecurity. I should really look at it with gratefulness, afternall, both of my kids have come out of this amazingly well. It's too bad there's no do over's in life.

UPDATE: Had my pdoc visit tonight & he said it will be very difficult to get my records for 2 reasons.
1) The Psychiatrist is dead.
2) This October/November will be 10 years since I'd been there.

So, he told me who took over his practice & to call them up & basically lie, saying I want an appt., then ask if they'll have my old records. If they say no, I need to find out where they'd be. If they say yes, I forget what I'm supposed to do! lol! Probably call my present pdoc's office & let him know. Will keep you updated.
Anyways, I showed him Manica's joke list & well, he didn't really laugh. But I didn't feel bad 1 bit cuz as he was reading it, I said, "You may need to be mentally ill to get it." He then said, "Where do women who put their husbands in dog houses find them?" And I was kinda like Huh? He said, "In cat houses." And I said, "Was that a joke?" He said, "Yeah, my friend is always sending me Chinese proverbs." I was puzzled & thought to myself, Is this the kind of joke you have to be non-mentally ill to get? (No offense to my non-mentally ill friends with a good sense of humor)

posted by jane at 12:45 AM