Sunday, February 05, 2006

Flat

I’m flat. Until recently, I’ve never really known what this term meant. Last week I started phase II of my meds, gradually getting off of Neurontin & started on 5mg of Abilify. Both medicines are considered mood stabilizers & hopefully, Abilify will work for me. My sleep has been all screwy & my mood is well….flat…at best. I’m just in between states. Not happy; not sad. Not sleepy; not awake. I’m bored, yet because I got so little sleep last night, my concentration isn’t good enough to read blogs & comprehend what I’m reading.
I’ve even been thinking of having a drink of alcohol, but I know I can’t. I have to say though, yesterday I was the closest I’ve been in about 4 years. I just wanted a shot of something ferocious, like say scotch or brandy. (are those ferocious?) Something that would soothe & relax me, just to take the edge of, to help me sleep. I hate how all alcohol tastes, so I just wanted to drink it fast & feel relief. Funny thing though, I’ve got this automatic association in my head with that & becoming a junkie again. Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end. It could end with me starting to use heroin again. Heroin aside, I’m hugely against alcohol. I think it’s the most dangerous & deadly drug there is. I can’t hardly be against something that I consume.
Those of us who are fortunate enough to have a loving significant other are truly blessed. I’m not the bitch from hell or anything (not usually) but I can be a difficult person to live with. During times like these, Tarzan is very supportive, gives me space & cuts me some slack. All I can say is, poor Tarzan.
I know this too shall pass. A matter of days, maybe a week, then Cheeta will do something hilarious & I’ll laugh so much my face will hurt. And it will dawn on me; I’m laughing again! Soon it will be a nice day.

Almost forgot…If you haven’t done so yet, please check out Hippy’s blog up in my right sidebar. She’s waiiiitingg

Technorati tags: neurontin, abilify, alcoholism, bipolar

posted by jane at 6:37 PM