Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Seeking Clarification

Tomorrow I see my Psychiatrist. He's rather a funny fellow from India. I plan on giving him Manica's list of 25-Fun-Things-to-do-at-your-Psychiatrist's. If I'm not strapped down to a gurney and still able to enjoy free movement, I've got something serious I want need to discuss with him. Let me forewarn you: this is that lovely time of month when I should be armed with nothing more than a chocolate bar.
From 1995-1996 I was seeing a different Psychiatrist for depression. This pdoc put me on Prozac & all was well, but a few months later, I became manic. (but I didn't know what mania was, or that I was) From 1996-2000 is a foggy part of my life. The personality problems all began with the visits the pdoc in question. I want to slowly get some clarification for myself. I would like to ask my present pdoc if he can obtain my old records from my old pdoc, who, by the way, is now dead.
I realize my pdoc probably cannot let me look at the records myself, but he could tell me what my medications where & what side effects I complained of. (Remember, during this time, I hadn't even heard of Bipolar Disorder & was completely ignorant to anything pertaining to mental health or medicinal.) This is very difficult for me to write or even think about because when I do, all these voices go off in my head: you're responsible for you, it ultimately falls on your feet, don't be a victim. But I'm not looking to be a victim.
I want to know when I started on Prozac,when I started having problems, when my comments should have been red flags that I was going 100mph into Mania! Why didn't he see this? Was he working for my employer & afraid to diagnose me as Bipolar?
What I described for him was clearly risky sexual behavior that was never prevalent in my life before this episode. Was it the medicine? Stress? Pressure? Do you have any idea how humiliating it is, as a responsible mother, to sit & describe for this stranger your sudden eccentric behaviors? And then to have that dismissed as though I'd just told him I ate a Caesar Salad for lunch! Why didn't he help me?

I realize I'm being vague. Very vague. I can hardly put what I'm writing in writing. The bottom line is that by the end of 1996, I was by no means the person I was in January 1996. The part that bothers me is, I didn't want to change. My life wasn't the best of anything. It was actually very boring. I loved having a boring life. Work, kids, kids sports, just stuff like that. But it was my life that I'd made since I got clean. It was our family, just the 3 of us. And within a few months, it was gone. I was gone.
I'm not under any false assumption that I can get any of this time back, or that things can be undone. Of everything in life, it's my biggest regret. What really angers me though, is it wasn't my mistake & it was preventable. I have to stop writing about this right now.

So, I need to know how to word this to my pdoc so he won't just shoot my idea down. I need this information desperately. If I could just sort out some things, well, that would help.
I realize this post may make no sense at all. Hopefully it will to me in the morning. This feeling that goes with what I do & what I don't remember is one of extreme insecurity. I should really look at it with gratefulness, afternall, both of my kids have come out of this amazingly well. It's too bad there's no do over's in life.

UPDATE: Had my pdoc visit tonight & he said it will be very difficult to get my records for 2 reasons.
1) The Psychiatrist is dead.
2) This October/November will be 10 years since I'd been there.

So, he told me who took over his practice & to call them up & basically lie, saying I want an appt., then ask if they'll have my old records. If they say no, I need to find out where they'd be. If they say yes, I forget what I'm supposed to do! lol! Probably call my present pdoc's office & let him know. Will keep you updated.
Anyways, I showed him Manica's joke list & well, he didn't really laugh. But I didn't feel bad 1 bit cuz as he was reading it, I said, "You may need to be mentally ill to get it." He then said, "Where do women who put their husbands in dog houses find them?" And I was kinda like Huh? He said, "In cat houses." And I said, "Was that a joke?" He said, "Yeah, my friend is always sending me Chinese proverbs." I was puzzled & thought to myself, Is this the kind of joke you have to be non-mentally ill to get? (No offense to my non-mentally ill friends with a good sense of humor)

posted by jane at 12:45 AM