Saturday, June 18, 2005

Drugs

My first visit the the psychiatrist was when I was about 17 years old. My dad had been seeing him forever & I was either depressed or suicidal, so he made me an appointment. After my visit the psych had me lay on some table & I got this shot in my arm. It was the coolest thing in the world. Even now I get a rush of sorts just thinking about it.
It wasn't many years after that I was shooting up myself. By now, I'd tried LSD, angel dust, cocaine, reds, whites, pot, mescalline, cannibanal (sp), paint and of course, alcohol. But nothing fixed me like heroin. Looking back though, heroin just made me feel normal. And that had always been what I was looking for, just to feel normal. There was this feeling I'd get after I'd shoot up, it was in the back of my head, almost like shifting gears. It was like downshifting into mellow. The only other time I've had that exact feeling is when I've taken vicodin (which I no longer take).
I always worked when I was using. Nobody knew, even when I'd get a new connection they'd want to see my tracks before they'd sell to me. I think I was self-medicating though & that's why I'm writing about this. My drug use is something I don't like discussing, its like another lifetime & in a sense, my mind has to go back there in order to remember everything. I dont like the place I have to go to retrieve these thoughts.
But there is a purpose to my madness. I've heard many times that bipolar people self-medicate with alcohol or drugs & I think thats why i settled with heroin. What reminded me of this was the other day, I was reading blogs & I read this blog of a bipolar girls & she's on meth or something. But she's bragging about it & all her partying. So it's no doubt she's self-medicating.
What confused me was I'm not familiar with bp's self-medicating with stimulants as opposed to depressants. But I guess that would make sense if she were depressed & didnt want to be. The scary part was that she has children & still found glee in her carelessness. I wasn't so much scared for her but pissed off at her. Anyways, she hasn't written since February or April & I just hope she's still alive. Hopefully doing better & sane.
I've been off heroin since 1986. I'm now on: prozac, neurontin, gloucophage, insulin, nortryptyline, amidrine, topamax & altace! All are legal & non-narcotic.

posted by jane at 1:13 PM