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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Bad Day

This is a bad day. I don't know why it is, it just is. There are tears built up inside of me that want to come out.
My son went to his dads on Christmas Eve around noon. He was supposed to go to my mom's by 8 or 9pm. But as usual, they started a poker game so he didn't call or show up. He was supposed to go with Tarzan & I to Tarzan's family Christmas Day; again, no call, no show. Why? Because they gambled until 3am & then he slept in. The kicker of this is, his dad hasn't even been in his fucking life but for a few years. The reason his dad wasn't in his life was because he chose NOT to be. But now, my mom, myself & my daughter are like chopped fucking liver?
To add insult to injury, their dad bought the son gifts, but not for our daughter. He's always been like that & while I had compassion for him for a few months, I've totally exhausted any human compassion for that jackass. My kids live together, doesn't the moron realize the son will bring his gifts and money home & my daughter will be hurt? She says she's written her dad off, this is from before. Still though, as a parent, I still sent my son's gifts home with daughter, even though he didn't spend anytime with us at Christmas. This brings back memories of how he's always showed favoritism towards our son. Why? Just because he's a male. He used to be antagonistic towards her. She says it doesn't bother her, but it hurts to see someone treat her like this.
I want to tell my son something for not showing up, but he's been doing so well lately, I remind myself how far he's come. He came by yesterday, apologized & gave me a card with a dinner date on it.
I'm angry about something else too. We are trying to find a new home for Cheeta. I'm putting this in writing right now just to help me come to terms with it. My feelings are too many to write. I'll put it in another post probably sometime soon.
My insecurities & paranoia are peaking. I think people are talking behind my back, seeing the 'bad' me. I'm not depressed, but not energetic in the least bit and the last thing I want is advice on how to 'snap out of it'. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling a bit exhausted with life. Sometimes life just isn't all it's cracked up to be. Today is just a bad fucking day. I'd like to fall asleep & wake up in March.

posted by jane at 9:58 AM