Friday, December 30, 2005

Cabanas in Corona

WARNING: This is a post about nothing but bitching. It bears no redeeming qualities & it exposes a rather uglier side of me. Not only have I been bitching about everything; I've been a total bitch at home too. The reasons aren't exactly clear, well some are.
We live in this 700 sq. ft. condo that has a total of 3 windows, none with a view to speak of. Our belongings are literally bursting out of the seams & I've had to throw things away just to make room to store other things. The closets are stacked with containers as high as they go,under the bed is completely stuffed with boxed items. We've just outgrown this place. Problem is: this place which was once $70,000, is now about $250,000. That's good for us, but that means everything else has gone too. I did find a 935 sq. ft. home built in 1925 for $369,000, but haven't told Tarzan. (That would violate my silent protest)

You see, I'm staging a silent protest. (Yes, I know most men would love silent protests) It's extremely difficult for me, the girl who couldn't be quiet for 5 minutes even when paid, to do this! Last night I didn't even make dinner. Fortunately there were some sweet tamales in the freezer he heated up. I didn't eat dinner but instead went into the bedroom around 7pm, read the newspaper, then read a book & fell asleep.
Tarzan always kisses me when he goes to work. Although I'm asleep, he'll keep kissing me until he sees a smile & then he goes on his way. I woke up not remembering a kiss, so I called him, very business like. "Did you kiss me this morning?" Him: "No, you're mad at me. I don't know what to do." Me: "That's all I wanted to know, if you kissed me or not." No kiss today.
No kiss today. My heart is crushed & my day is ruined. But I can't apologize dammit. This protest has to mean something. Somehow we have to get out of this 'box' that we live in. Don't mistake me for the type that wants to keep up with the Joneses'; I don't. I've told him I'd even be satisfied with a 2 bedroom in this same complex. I have re-organized this place more times than I can count. Just MORE space. I even said I'm moving out. Well, to where? There are no cabanas on the beaches of Corona. That's probably because there are no beaches in Corona. Could you even picture Jane at a Cabana without Tarzan? I shudder at the thought.
I love Tarzan & in reality, never want to leave him. My biggest fear is that I die in this craphole. And if I do, I'm coming back to haunt him, especially if he should get a new girlfriend & they move somewhere bigger!
I have a T-doc appt. in an hour or so, you'd think that's good. Not necessarily. She's not the type to let me ramble in my own self-pity. She'll probably stop me dead in my tracks, make me list the real possibilities of the situation & accept them. SHIT.
Still though, if I apologize for this (for being silent? No, for bitching) he may forget how desperately I wantneed to move. And of course we can't forget, after my therapy appt., this post will most likely be coming down.

posted by jane at 10:20 AM