Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Finally Fitting In

I was listening to the radio yesterday; the talk host mentioned people who are on SSDI (permanent disability) for reasons he scoffed at. One of those reasons he cited was, "It rained last Thursday so I'm depressed forever." While he was obviously being sarcastic & gave a very specific scenario, I knew what he meant. I'm guessing other people who are mentally ill also recognize this sarcastic tone. The host's point was, why can't you go out & wash dishes? Do something. If you can walk, talk, see, you can work! So many callers agreed with his attitude. This concerns me.

What also concerns me is the recent shootings of 2 mentally ill men. I'm not writing this to debate whether the shootings were justified or not; I'm mentioning this to discuss the public's attitude towards them. There is a certain snide attitude that quickly arises if you fess up to being mentally ill; it's as though you must think you're a victim, like life owes you. That couldn't be farther from the truth. While I realize not everybody feels this way, after listening to the television & talk-radio on these topics, add in my personal experiences; my conclusion is that a majority do share this prejudicial view. This is really a no-win situation because it means I'm either faking it just to get SSDI or, if I'm really mentally ill, our relationship will never be the same again because I'm mentally ill. Once they know, their body language, expressions & words become quite transparent, but they must think they hide it well, or that I'm an idiot.

It seems we've become a 'Survival of the Fittest' society. I've found this true from within my own family & it's one of the reasons I no longer tell people I'm on permanent disability or have a mental illness. Whenever I have, the next question is usually, "What did you have to do to get on it?" All they really care about is why you aren't working. They want me to explain why not, how long I worked, what I did, etc. I refuse to play their retard & go there with them.
I don't mind discussing it with someone who sincerely wants to know more about bipolar disorder, about my diagnosis & what led to it, but for the most part, when it comes to mental illness, people aren't sincere.

In the real world, I'm a very different person. I go out as rarely as possible, do my thing & come home. To look at me, nobody would know there's anything different. Mental illness is an invisible disease that some think exists only in our heads. Well, guess what? It does.
If by chance someone reads this who is prejudice towards those of us who are mentally ill, I hope you will be honest with yourself and at least think about reconsidering your preconceived notions.

I remember last August, a day or so before I was admitted to the hospital, I was in the grocery store parking lot & almost went up to a lady and said, "I'm going to commit suicide today." It wasn't that I wanted to shock her, I just so desperately wanted to tell somebody, anybody the state of my despair.
Besides my visit to the mental hospital in August, the blogging world is the only place I've ever been able to be myself. It's the only place I've felt accepted & valued. I 'fit in' here. I've developed relationships with bipolar and non-bipolar friends and I must say, I don't feel judged by anybody.
The Blogosphere puts us all on an equal playing field. I never posted an appropriate holiday post expressing my gratitude for the friends I've made via blogging, so let me take this opportunity to say this: I consider myself fortunate to be a part of this lovely community and if you're reading this, I am sincerely grateful that we've crossed paths. I hope you have a healthy, safe & prosperous 2006.

Peace

posted by jane at 10:23 PM