Saturday, December 31, 2005

It's Baaaack

Before you read my actual post, I want to say something here. I'm aware that talking about depression may turn some people away & I can totally understand that. One thing I hope doesn't happen is that anybody view this as doom & gloom. As others with Bipolar Disorder (manic depressive), this is something we will go through all of our lives. Our medicine may do well for years & then not work anymore; this is the case with me. I also hope, if you're interested, that you will come back for the 'process', as our bipolar community is one of such strong support. All of the blogs on my right sidebar belong to a Bipolar Webring. If you visit those blogs, you will find similar stories of struggle & triumph.

I walk in to for my therapy visit today & as always, she's greets me with a pleasant smile. She's the once in a lifetime Therapist you hope to have, the kind that facilitates the session, but doesn't cram her beliefs down your throat. Well, that's who I've got & when she disagrees with me, it makes me appreciate her all the more.
So, I sit down & start telling her what a bitch I've been. How very irritable I'm being about things that have never bothered me before. I tell her I'm holing up in my bedroom; that I'm in distress over our living quarters; how I've been naggy with my daughter; how I'm tired, not cleaning except for the dishes (and my body, when need be), how thank-you letters addressed only to Tarzan set me off. She asks how I've been doing with my diabetes, if I'm eating a lot of chocolate. I say No, what I've been eating lately has been starches, you know, chips, muffins, pasta, bread, etc. (Did I mention she's a smart cookie too?) Well she says there's a lot of seratonin in these particular starches. As we know, seratonin is the magical little natural drug that makes us happy. She says she suspects I'm self-medicating my depression as my pills aren't cutting it.
Recommendation:
1) Call my pdoc Monday morning & either get in to see him or get him to change meds.
2) Walk quickly 5 minutes one way, then back again. (If I want, I can do more)

Meds. This means they're going to change my meds. I take 2 for bipolar disorder: anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The mood stabilizers, which are Neurontin , will NEVER change. It took too long to find the right one & they work perfectly for me. But the anti-depressant, UGH...how I dread this. I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Welbutrin, Effexor, Depakote, Lamictal, Zoloft (I think) and who knows what else. Some of those I mentioned are mood stabililzers; I just can't remember which. I've heard of Seroquel, I don't know if it's a mood stabilizer or an anti-depressant. I've seen Lexapro. Where you ask? It's on the foam soap in the bathroom and it's emblem is all over the paper towels at the p-doc's office. (my p-doc & t-doc use the same office)
The last time I went through this change, my life was turned upside down. The problem with finding the right 'cocktail' for each person is, you usual can't tell for 4-6 weeks if it's working or not. A lot of times you also have to have a period where you aren't taking your old medicine or your new medicine, as they can cause big problems if they overlap. So as you can probably imagine, having to try, lets say 4 anti-depressants could take up to 7 weeks each, meaning the possibility of being jacked up mentally for 28 weeks. 7 months is a LONG time.
This will be a first time that I've gone through these changes as a Blogger. That should have great significance as there are probably over 30 bipolar bloggers that I know. Any input offered will be valued at least 10 times more than input from some drug company that cares about nothing more than the almighty dollar. Oh, and putting their name on the paper towels I'll use.
I called Tarzan & explained, gave him a 1/2 ass apology. Then realized since I was a 100% bitch, the least I can do is give him a real apology and I did. My T-doc says my house isn't shrinking & I'm not bulging out of it, since I'm depressed, it just feels like it.
I've had agitated depression once before; I think that's what type this must be again. While I'm pretty comfortable with depression, as odd as that may sound, it's like welcoming an old friend back in many ways, I'm the opposite with agitated depression. Nothing feels right. I'm even more uncomfortable in my own skin than normal. I worry. Assume the worse. Blah. Blah. Fucking Blah.
I'm always helped when I know what the problem is, at least that way I can deal with it head on. I'm hoping, expecting and planning on this situation getting better from here out. Hopefully.

ps...please take a few minutes to click on over to my new tenant this week, BloggoChicago. Barb is a fellow bipolar blogger and her link is in the 'rent my blog' space on my right sidebar.

psps...Is anybody taking LEXAPRO? If so, would you please let me know what you like/dislike about it. And what, if any, side effects you've had. Thanks!

posted by jane at 2:03 AM