Friday, August 05, 2005

Family Reunion

Tomorrow is our 1st family reunion. So far, 95 people have said they're going, but as you know, there may be more. My cousin Lola, whom I mentioned in my June 6 entry is having it at her home in Orange County.
This is the type of thing I don't like. I don't like crowds. I'm not sure if it's a bipolar thing or an addict thing or a Jane-stop-thinking-about-yourself thing, but I've been having bigtime anxiety over this.
I feels as though I'm going to be watched through a magnifying glass there. Everybody else has it all together, you know, the type that's had their 'style' since high school, while I'm still trying to discover my 'style'. I worry about what I'll say, analyze each word. What do I say if they ask if I'm working? I don't want to say I'm on Social Security for bipolar disorder. I don't work 'cuz I'm my pigs mom? I will take a camera, but I'll feel awkward taking pictures. Again, from the outside looking in. Or, is it the inside looking out?
I love my family & haven't seen my extended relatives in over 20 years. It's not that I don't want to see them. This is where I'm not normal. This is an addict thing, I think. Because this is why heroin worked for me, it relaxed me, made me just like everybody else. I can't have a drink. There is no ONE drink or ONE anything in my vocabulary. That much I know.
I've been going back & forth about going. Yes. No. Yes. No.

I went Thursday to help clean Lola's house because she's still going through chemo for her cancer. This is her 3rd bout with breast cancer. So I went over & vacuumed, dusted, mopped, etc. I forgot to hug her. She called later yesterday to see how my headache was, but I wasn't home. So she just left a message & at the end, she said, "I love you." First time she's ever said that to me.
I went shopping tonite to try & find 'stuff' earrings, shorts, you name it. Came home & Tarzan said my mom called & that Lola is in the hospital. Something about her heart & the blood tests aren't right so they're keeping her overnight. She still wants us to have the reunion.

As you may imagine, I broke down. Afterward, I called her at the hospital & she sounded wonderful & is hoping they'll let her out before the party's over. The anxiety, remember that? It's so irrelevant now. I'm picking up Lola's 84 year old mom & taking her to the party. Both Aunty & I aren't big party people so we may not stay long, but I am going. I don't even care what people think or if I say the wrong words or anything trivial like that.

I just want to hold my Aunty's hand & be there for her. Enjoy my relatives, enjoy the day. And if we're all perhaps the most blessed family on earth tomorrow, maybe, just maybe, Lola will walk through the door.

posted by jane at 10:41 PM