Thursday, June 30, 2005

A L I V E!

To be "comfortable in your own skin" is a phrase commonly used. I've heard people use it in many situations. One may be like a drug addict saying it, or an anorexic using the phrase, maybe a surgery patient, you get the picture.
Right now I'm physically feeling uncomfortable in my own skin & I'm not sure why. As I mentioned before, this has been sort of a tough few days, but I just trudge forth because I know when I wake up, it's a new day. Plus, I've lived through much tougher times.
I remember about 3 months after I'd kicked heroin & was still in rehab, I woke up & I felt as though I'd been in a motorcycle accident & had been hit by a truck. I was lying on the asphalt & could feel the heat rising against my broken bones. My body ached & was bleeding, but there was nothing I could do. Metaphorically, that's where I was that day. And you know what? There were probably 12 other women there who felt just like I did but we all had chores to do & studies to do, etc. and life just had to go on.
I know quite a few people who have gotten off life's merry-go-round by choice & I wish I could ask them, "Was it worth it?", "Are you glad you did?" I don't judge them. Because I know for some, life's burdens are just too much to bear.
Sometimes it can be something so small or silly that makes me appreciate life all the more. It may be the intense color of a flower I've never noticed before. Or a beautiful laugh of a baby taking its first steps & wobbles. And in my mind, I take pictures of those things & put them in my memory for those days when my skin feels like its crawling. For days when I just don't want to be anymore. And then I think of how glorious that flower was in the sunshine & that I was the only person at that place & time to share that. And suddenly, I feel silly, but fortunate.
I've learned not to strive for the big mansion or the nicest cars or big diamond rings. When the phone rings & its my kids just calling to say, "Hi, Mom", or Cheeta becomes overwhelmed by the jacaranda scent & starts to roll in the grass, well suddenly I forget that I even felt uncomfortable in my skin.
All I know is that my heart's happy once again & I'm so grateful to be alive!

posted by jane at 11:43 PM