Sunday, July 03, 2005

my dreams, my fears

I have 2 dreams, I also have 2 fears; they're both, both. I'm going to go out on a limb here & put them in writing. They're both things that I really want to accomplish & as silly as the first may seem, its something that would make my heart happy. The second I believe is necessary to sustain my life.

My first dream that I want to accomplish is to make aprons. Not just plain aprons. But like web designers create websites, I want to create aprons. And in my minds eye I have the most beautiful & coolest aprons created. There are some roadblocks, fear being the biggest. Procrastination being the second biggest. The least is that I don't know how to sew.
I've already bought a sewing machine, but I have yet to buy a sewing table. I have a pattern. I've got lots of cool material, some I've gotten at thrift stores. And I have some great ideas from this apron book I bought.
I've seen so many people on Oprah who have just followed their dreams. And this is my dream. It doesn't matter that aprons aren't popular or if I didn't sell any. I'd make them for myself!
The last time I used a sewing machine was in 8th grade when I attempted to make an A-line skirt. I'm so bad at it, for my daughter's 5th grade play, I hot-glue gunned her costume.
Okay, so that is 1 dream & I suppose maybe you can see where the fear comes from. I'm nervous just writing about it.

My second is a dire need, and a bigger fear. I have to make drastic LIFE changes as in, I have to start LIVING. I want to get my mind back. It feels too foggy & I've minimized some of my medicines, but I need to get serious about my diabetes, bipolar disorder & migraine headaches.
I quit heroin in 1986. I quit smoking in 1993. Now its as though things are aligning for me to start exercising, eating right & taking back my brain. In all honesty, this scares the shit out of me.
1 thing that scares me is that people who read this may ask me in the future about it & if I'm not doing good, I'll avoid my blog, quit writing, you get the picture.
I know that I can get off of insulin & my diabetes medicine if I took care of my body. I can also help myself get less migraines by the same means.
Of course I'd do all of this under a doctors care. But I'm almost a shut-in without a physical reason for being one. Thats pathetic.
Anyways, there you have it. I wrote it. My dreams, my fears, my dreams. Hopefully, my truths.

posted by jane at 9:59 PM