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Thursday, September 29, 2005


This probably isn't going to be a well worded post & I apologize in advance for that. Quite honestly, I'm exhausted. I went to visit my aunt today with my cousin Lola. Lola had warned me in advance about Aunty's jaundice, but with all the preparation, I stll wasn't prepared. Her face is so yellow, it's almost orange. It looks like somebody put mercurochrome on her. Even with the jaundice, she still is so beautiful. My aunt has the softest skin & at 85 she has no wrinkles. This is no exaggeration. I jokingly told her that she looks better without makeup than I do & that's really the truth. She has the most beautiful facial features, her mouth is just like my moms & her eyes & eyebrows are so perfectly shaped. She's got the cutest nose....I want to memorize every part of her face in my memory bank.
She is in less pain today than yesterday & when the doctor came in, she was glad to hear that. The test results came back & while most were good, the most important test was bad. A test they did on her pancreas to measure if it has cancer came back positive. The doctor said the normal reading for it is 50; my aunt's was 8,800.
But Aunty is such an amazing woman, she said she already knew this as she's been talking to God. I've been trying to find out what the 8,800# means & what test this was. If anybody has any information,will you please email me?

I also found out today that my cousin Lola is in stage 4 of breast cancer & while I have yet to research that, I don't think it's good. She read to me from a letter her daughter wrote & she'd shown me the note, it said...'stage 4 cancer'...but when Lola read it, she ommitted the 'stage 4' and just read,, 'cancer'. So, I took that as meaning she didn't want to tell me. I hope this is some trick my eyes played on me & it's not true, but I didn't ask Lola & won't.

I hope you all know how much I enjoy reading your blogs, but in the immediate future, I don't know how much I'll be online. I'll definately be reading your blogs for enjoyment, but just not as often. So, please don't forget me during this difficult time. Normally, I respond to all the comments on my blog posts, I just don't have the energy right now. So, please accept a group 'thank you' to everybody for caring. Even though I'm saying it in a group setting, I'm thinking of each of you individually.


posted by jane at 5:25 PM


Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Have you ever started to write a blog entry & didn’t finish it? I actually did finish part of this story & put it in a meme, but later deleted the entire meme as I wasn’t ready to ‘see’ what I’d written about; not this particular story. Since then, I’ve started to write about this again & saved it in drafts. But now, the time has come for me to complete this.
In June I went with my mom to my 85 year old aunt's Senior Living Apartments. A pianist, Matthew, played a repertoire of songs Mama Grande (my Grandma) & Aunty used to sing. These were songs neither Mom nor Aunty had heard since their childhood; many my mom didn’t even remember. Mama Grande had a beautiful voice & they sang together in church, operas, plays, and for parties. As the pianist played, Aunty sang along to some Mexican songs and to others she & my mom had tears flowing down their cheeks. Many of the other senior residents sang along to familiar songs from the 20s & 30s. One time when I looked over at Aunty, I saw in her eyes a little girl who knew it wouldn't be too long until she’d be singing with her Mom again, but this time it would be forever.
I knew MamaGrande was with us on that day, I could feel her, even though I've never met her or felt her touch before. But this was undeniable. I felt her smiling down at her girls, her beautiful face glowing, so filled with love & joy.
In May or so, my cousin Lola, Aunty’s daughter was diagnosed for the 3rd time with breast cancer. As any mother would, my Aunty prayed that God take her & spare Lola. Oddly enough, another aunt, Aunt Julia, did the same when her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1996 & within 6 months, she passed away of cancer. Now, I don’t believe God took my Aunt Julia to spare her daughter, it’s just an odd coincidence.
Back in June when I saw that childlike look in Aunty’s eyes, something told me she wouldn’t be with us much longer. I had that feeling again as her 85th birthday approached 2 weeks ago.
Aunty was taken to the hospital on Monday & they’ve found a spot on her pancreas. They’re testing to see if it’s cancerous, but my mom says it doesn’t look good as her skin is very yellow. The doctor has recommended hospice when she’s released from the hospital. I spoke with her last night & even though she’s 85, it was the first time she ever sounded old. Actually, tired is more accurate. While I don’t want my aunt to suffer, but I selfishly don’t want her to die.
One of my observations with those terminally ill has been a deep spirituality & acceptance; actually a transcending peace. It seems it’s always hardest on those staying here on earth. I’m going to visit her tomorrow & am trying to prepare myself, so I don’t cry in front of her. Every day she’s still with us will be cherished by all of her loved ones.

posted by jane at 5:33 PM


Monday, September 26, 2005

"pass right!"

I’m a huge fan of college football & one of my favorite teams is Notre Dame. Not for any special reason, I’ve just always liked them. The ambiance of their stadium, the University for that matter, their colors (I‘m a woman! What‘d ya expect?). But now, it seems as though I’ve got one more reason to like the Fighting Irish.

In Washington State, lived a special 10 year old boy named Montana Mazurkiewicz, named after none other than another of my favorites, Joe Montana. In July, Montana was made an honorary member of the National Guard as one of his dreams was to be a soldier. Montana is also a huge Notre Dame fan. Pretty smart kid for being so young!

You see, Montana was dying of an inoperable brain tumor. Three weeks earlier he’d had been informed by doctors that there was nothing more they could to stop the cancer from spreading. When word reached Coach Charles Weis about their loyal fan, he went to visit the little guy in Mishawaka, Washington. The day before the visit, Mazurkiewicz lost all feeling in his lower body.

Coach Weis spent some time with Montana, telling him about pranks he’d played on the other Montana, Joe, while they were college roommates. Then, according to Coach Weis, he let the youngest give him grief about the Michigan loss & little Montana did just that. His mom saw him smile for the first time in months and took some pictures of her son & his favorite coach.
Weis said, “He told me about his love for Notre Dame football and how he wanted to make it through this game this week. He just wanted to be able to live through this game because he knew he wasn’t going to live very much longer.” He gave Montana a football but when his mom asked him to toss her the ball, he was too weak. So, Coach Weis climbed into the recliner with him & helped him toss the ball to his mom.

Coach asked him if there was anything he could do & Montana said ,as a matter of fact, there was. He wanted to call the 1st play of the game and when Charles Weis asked him what play he wanted, he responded, "pass right!"

Sadly, Montana Mazurkiewicz wasn’t able to see his dream come true as he passed away on the Friday before the game. When Coach heard about his passing, he called Mazurkiewicz's mom on Friday night to assure her he would still call Montana's play. "He said, 'This game is for Montana, and the play still stands,'" she said.

So, on Saturday in Washington, the very first play Notre Dame could call, they called “pass right!” , just as Montana had instructed. It ended up being a 13-yard completion for the Fighting Irish, who went on to beat Washington, 36-17.

I'm pretty sure Montana Mazurkiewica had the best seat in the house.

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posted by jane at 5:15 PM


Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hurricane Alpha? ut oh

If you hear that Hurricane Alpha is in the sky, then we've had one too many this year. Hurricane Rita was number 17 for the year, with just 4 left for the remainder. The remaining names are: Stan, Tammy, Vince and Wilma. The letters Q, U, X, Y, and Z aren't included because of the scarcity of names.
According to NOAA, if there are more than 21 hurricanes in the Atlantic basin this season, up to 24 additional storm names will be taken from the Greek alphabet.(Alpha, Beta, Gamma, etc.)

Naming hurricanes began hundreds of years ago in the West Indies. At that time they were normally named for whatever saint's day the hurricane fell on. There were 2 on San Felipe's day, so there is a "Hurricane San Felipe" and a "Hurricane San Felipe the second."
After that, latitude-longitude positions were used in place of names, but this proved to be time consuming & confusing.
When a novel called "Storm" by George R. Stewart was released, the storm in his book was named after a woman. This soon caught on & became practice during WWII.
In 1951 however, the United States adopted a new plan, this one named storms by a phonetic alphabet. (Alpha, Baker, Charles) This didn't last long as the hurricanes were once again named after women in 1953.
In 1978 we reached a new beginning. At the urging of feminists, hurricanes were now named after both males & females in the Pacific region. The Atlantic basin and the Gulf of Mexico also adopted this practice in 1979.

History has shown that using short, distinct names are more efficient when communicating by written or spoken means. These advantages are even more evident during exchanges between widely scattered stations, coastal bases & ships at sea.
The lists of names have been agreed upon by meetings at the World Meteorological Organization and have a French, Spanish, Dutch and English flavor because of the global tracking all over the world.
Once a the winds from a storm reaches 39 mph (34 kts), the cycles are given names taken from the present years list, one of a 6 year rotating list. For example, the hurricane names in 2001 will repeat in the year 2007.
Hurricanes that have caused too much destruction & loss of death, such as Hurricane Katrina, will be retired.
There are presently 10 regions that have their own names & cycles for naming hurricanes:
~ Atlantic & Eastern North Pacific ~ alphabetical & re-cycled every 6 years.
~ Central North Pacific, Western North Pacific, Northern Australian Region, Eastern Australian Region ~ lists are used sequentially. If the last storm of the year is Ann, the first storm of the next year is Bob.
~ Fiji Region ~ Lists A,B,C,D,E. Lists A-D are used sequentially. List E has replacement names.
~ Papua New Guinea Region ~ Lists A and B, used sequentially.
~ Philippine Region ~ alphabetical with 25 letters and recycles every 4 years.
~ Southwest Indian Ocean ~ Lists are used sequentially and are not rotated.

So, are you curious to find out if a hurricane shares your name? If you are, the link is below. If you check, please come back & comment to let me know. (I'm curious too!) To see names used for hurricanes, click here.

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posted by jane at 10:17 PM


Saturday, September 24, 2005

Where the heck is Carmen SanDiego Karl Rove?

If you're wondering where the heck Karl Rove, coordinator of the relief & recovery effort and as overseeing the Gulf Coast Reconstruction Plan, was during Hurricane Rita, you aren't alone. You probably think he was bunkered down at the U.S. Northern Command Center in Colorado with Bush. But NO!
Alas, Karl Rove has been found & to show how seriously he takes this newly assigned position, well... He's in North Dakota speaking to the North Dakota Republican Party. He was speaking about hurricane relief, right? No. Guess again. Better yet, I'll just tell you since you'd never guess anyhow.

Karl Rove is politicizing in North Dakota to promote the Guest Worker Plan (aka amnesty for illegal aliens)

White House gives details on guest-worker proposal
Los Angeles Times

"White House political strategist Karl Rove is offering lawmakers new details of an administration-backed guest-worker program that would temporarily legalize the status of millions of illegal immigrants, according to Republicans who have attended the meetings.
In January 2004, Bush said he wanted to allow illegal immigrants to apply for a three-year work visa, with the possibility of a single three-year extension before having to return to their native countries.
At recent presentations led by Rove, administration officials are telling lawmakers that under Bush's plan, any worker who is here illegally would first have to pay a substantial fine before being granted a temporary work visa.
Administration officials also are telling lawmakers that workers who participate in the program and then return to their native countries would be allowed to reapply for a guest-worker visa after a year."

For years, Bush has been talking about amnesty for illegal aliens. That surely explains why more & more illegal aliens are coming into America. Anybody wonder why Bush hasn't done anything about protecting the borders? Wonder why we now have such organizations such as "The Minutemen" trying to protect our borders?
I believe this may be what you call 'speaking out of both sides of your mouth.' He's willing to go to war in Iraq and STOP the terrorists there. Yet, he refuses to do ANYTHING here to stop it.

We may as well get rid of any agency related to protecting our border & put up a big sign: "WELCOME TO AMERICA TO SCREW US IN THE ASS!"

UPDATE: According to www.kxma.com (sorry, links aren't working on Blogger)
President's Adviser Makes North Dakota Visit
Sept. 24, 2005

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posted by jane at 2:37 PM


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Bush appoints unqualified candidate. Go figure!

With the big fiasco over former FEMA Director Michael Brown still fresh in our minds, George Bush may actually be making a WORSE appointment!

He has nominated Julie Myers to head the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.. I.C.E was created from remnants of the former Immigration and Customs Services.

If Julie Myers becomes head of I.C.E., this appointment will be detrimental to America. According to National Review Online: "would be the officer chiefly responsible for protecting the nation against terrorist threats once they have succeeded in infiltrating our borders, which are guarded by a different bureaucracy. Her most relevant previous experience was managing only 170 employees and a $25 million budget while at the Commerce Department."

Even conservative columnist Michelle Malkin and the conservative magazine National Review have even asked Bush to withdraw his nomination of Myers. National Review writes: "Given the importance of the position and a history of mismanagement in the immigration service, Congress took the unusual step of inserting a statutory requirement that nominees have a minimum of five years of experience in both management and law enforcement. Even a cursory reading of her resume reveals that the well-connected 36-year-old attorney’s background fails to comply with this legal requirement; in fact, she meets the bare minimum only by counting her current stint in White House personnel, where she manages, by her own account, 'up to three deputies as well as support staff and interns.'”

Her qualifications include:
~ Federal Prosecutor in New York for 2 years
~ Deputy Assistant Secretary for Money Laundering and Financial Crimes at the
Department of Treasury.
~ A year-long job as assistant secretary for Export Enforcement at Commerce, where she supervised 170 employees and a $25 million budget
~ Associate under Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr for about 16 months
~ Worked briefly as chief of staff of the Criminal Division to Michael Chertoff when he led the Justice Department's criminal division before he became Homeland Security secretary
~ Served as a special assistant to President Bush handling personnel issues.

Granted, Myers may not have those qualifications, but what she does have
is a marriage to Chertoff's (head of Homeland Security) current Chief of Staff. Maybe this is just a big wedding gift to her as she just married John F. Woods last Saturday.

She's also the niece of Air Force Gen. Richard Myers, the departing chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
ICE has more than 20,000 employees and a budget of approximately $4 billion. Its personnel investigate immigrant, drug and weapon smuggling, and illegal exports, among other responsibilities.

Bush has given multiple jobs to friends who weren't qualified. Many Bush appointed Ambassadors to other nations are nothing but huge Bush donors. But now Immigration???

Is this how seriously George Bush takes border security? Is this how seriously he takes OUR concerns? Has he forgotten about 9/11?

Will you feel safer knowing Julie Myers is in charge of our immigration system? How do you feel about this?

If you're still a bushi, you should know the drill by now. Is it hammer time?

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posted by jane at 5:52 PM


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Who needs a hammer?

First things first: Pia at CourtingDestiny.com was kind enough to include some information from my 9/17/2005 post, on her post at Bring It On.

It was announced today that 2 subsidiaries of Halliburton have been marked to start the recovery work in the Gulf Coast. Remember, I mentioned this a few posts ago?
This shouldn't come as a surprise to Americans, as this administration has been stuffing their pockets, hiring friends and friends of friends, ever since their inception. And don't forget, Karl Rove is in charge of the Gulf Coast Reconstruction Plan.

As always, everybody is welcome to comment. Please limit your comments to this topic and be respectful of others. Inappropriate comments will be removed.

There's a time when we just need to leave well enough alone, such is the case with this post. If I could have written anything better & more informative, I would have.
CNN is reporting FACTS, Americans, just facts:

CNN says: Firms with White House ties get Katrina contracts.
FEMA taps Halliburton subsidiary, Shaw Group, Bechtel for cleanup.

Companies with ties to the Bush White House and the former head of FEMA are clinching some of the administration's first disaster relief and reconstruction contracts in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

At least two major corporate clients of lobbyist Joe Allbaugh, President Bush's former campaign manager and a former head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, have already been tapped to start recovery work along the battered Gulf Coast.

One is Shaw Group Inc. and the other is Halliburton Co. subsidiary Kellogg Brown and Root. Vice President Dick Cheney is a former head of Halliburton.

Bechtel National Inc., a unit of San Francisco-based Bechtel Corp., has also been selected by FEMA to provide short-term housing for people displaced by the hurricane. Bush named Bechtel's CEO to his Export Council and put the former CEO of Bechtel Energy in charge of the Overseas Private Investment Corporation

Halliburton alone has earned more than $9 billion. Pentagon audits released by Democrats in June showed $1.03 billion in "questioned" costs and $422 million in "unsupported" costs for Halliburton's work in Iraq.

Watchdog groups take notice

But the web of Bush administration connections is attracting renewed attention from watchdog groups in the post-Katrina reconstruction rush. Congress has already appropriated more than $60 billion in emergency funding as a down payment on recovery efforts projected to cost well over $100 billion.

"The government has got to stop stacking senior positions with people who are repeatedly cashing in on the public trust in order to further private commercial interests," said Danielle Brian, executive director of the Project on Government Oversight.

Bush appointees at Halliburton
Allbaugh formally registered as a lobbyist for Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown and Root in February.

Allbaugh is also a friend of Michael Brown, director of FEMA who was removed as head of Katrina disaster relief and sent back to Washington amid allegations he had padded his resume -- which he denies.

A few months after Allbaugh was hired by Halliburton, the company retained another high-level Bush appointee, Kirk Van Tine

Van Tine registered as a lobbyist for Halliburton six months after resigning as deputy transportation secretary, a position he held from December 2003 to December 2004.

On Friday, Kellogg Brown & Root received $29.8 million in Pentagon contracts to begin rebuilding Navy bases in Louisiana and Mississippi. Norcross said the work was covered under a contract that the company negotiated before Allbaugh was hired.

Cheney's relationship with Halliburton:
Halliburton continues to be a source of income for Cheney, who served as its chief executive officer from 1995 until 2000 when he joined the Republican ticket for the White House. According to tax filings released in April, Cheney's income included $194,852 in deferred pay from the company, which has also won billion-dollar government contracts in Iraq.

Cheney's office said the amount of deferred compensation is fixed and is not affected by Halliburton's current economic performance or earnings.

Allbaugh's other major client, Baton Rouge-based Shaw Group, has updated its Web site to say: "Hurricane Recovery Projects -- Apply Here!"

Shaw said on Thursday it has received a $100 million emergency FEMA contract for housing management and construction. Shaw also clinched a $100 million order on Friday from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

Shaw Group spokesman Chris Sammons said Allbaugh was providing the company with "general consulting on business matters," and would not say whether he played a direct role in any of the Katrina deals. "We don't comment on specific consulting activities," he said.

If you think for one minute this administration gives one hoot about you, your well-being, or the well being of the hurricane victims, YOU'RE STUPID! If you are so stupid to still believe in Bush, then do as I said in my previous post: Go & get a hammer, then bang yourself on the head repeatedly!


* 1 comment mentioned that the government has bids for contracts. I found numerous links about these companies getting the Katrina contracts, here are just a few:

US: No-Bid Contracts Win Katrina Work

Watch Who's Cleaning Up

Cash and 'Cat 5' Chaos

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posted by jane at 11:20 PM


Firefly, Firefly

Have you seen the award-winning Firefly mobile phone? Firefly's are actually for kids & while I have to admit, we're not tweens, the phones are appealing to both of us. I realize this product has been out for awhile, but I just found out about it, so it's new to me! I just think it's the coolest little gadget....

They got their name because they light up when you make or receive calls, just like a firefly. I'm not one to advocate cellphones for kids, but this phone can literally be programmed to only receive & accept calls to parents. One of the most appealing features is a button for emergency calls. As a parent, knowing your child has access to a 'panic' button directly to 911, would be somewhat reassuring.

This cute little phone has only 5 buttons: A 'hello' button, 'goodbye' , 'mom', 'dad' and a phonebook button. The phonebook button is pre-programmed by the parents (with a parent's pin number) with up to 20 phone numbers that can be called. The phone has a very practical Call Screening option that will reject calls from any number not listed in the phonebook. (You can turn the Call Screening option OFF to accept all incoming calls) Call Waiting and Caller ID are also included.

Firefly costs $99.99 & comes with: Phone, 30 Firefly Minutes, Travel Charger, Backpack Clip, and instructions for getting started. After that, you purchase minutes in $25, $50 or $100 blocks. Being that we want our phones only for emergencies, this phone looks perfect for our needs.

To activate the phone, you just call 1-800-FIREFLY (isn't that too cute?) and they'll give you a local phone number. There are no contracts, extra fees or charges, monthly bills or credit stuff.

To accentuate individuality, the phones have 12 ringtones to choose from, 5 animations and 7 LCD screen backlight colors to choose from. There are also 4 different color shells which can be purchased for only $12.99.

In addition to the options above, there are a number of additional accessories that can be purchased. They include: a vehicle charger, hands free headset, mesh pouch, wristlet purse & a Lanyard (whatevah that is!).

I almost forgot, there's a glow in the dark shell for just $9.99. That sounds almost ghoulish & with Halloween coming soon....

For more information visit: http://www.fireflymobile.com

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posted by jane at 9:09 AM


Monday, September 19, 2005

What about Bob?

My favorite restaurant in the whole wide world is Bob's Big Boys. Bob's restaurants got it's start in 1936, but have dwindled down to only a few. They're known for their Big Boy hamburgers that are just to die for! They're double deckers & have a 3rd bun in between the 2 patties, then they've got cheese, shredded lettuce & Bob's special relish & mayo.
A meal at Bob's isn't complete, however, without a hot fudge cake. OMG this is the most delicious dessert on planet earth! It's 2 pieces of warmed chocolate cake with a thick 'slice' of vanilla ice cream between them, stacked high. Then, they get the hot fudge (my mouth is watering just thinking about this) and generously pour it over the cake, which slowly melts the ice cream. Top it with whipped cream, nuts & a cherry (I forego the cherry) and wala! the perfect ending to a perfect meal.

Growing up in Whittier, we had one of the more famous Big Boy's up on Whittier Blvd. My oldest brother used to cruise the boulevard & then hang out at Bob's with his friends. I was 11 years younger & the best I could do was go with my parents & be waited on by a friendly carhop on rollerskates & get a free comic book.

I was dismayed when I read that the Big Boy's are being kidnapped. Literally. The first one was stolen & found later in a Calimesa, California field. The next one was a big boy's, Big Boy's heist. The 6 footer was taken from his home and eventually found by some sheriff's deputies. But Bob wasn't alone! There, in the home of a teenager was also a 2-foot Dairy Queen ice cream statue. Weird fetish, eh?

Once recovered, they sent Bob to the pen. Fortunately for Bob, it wasn't solitary confinement as 3 more Big Boy's were also kept in captivity. 2 of them were 6 footers, just like "Kidnapped Bob", but then there was the Big Kahuna, the Bob of all Bob's, this Big Boy was a whopping 16 footer, weighing in at 700 pounds. The 'pen' was for the Bob's own good. It was lockup, of course, but the walk-in steel container was actually in a truck loading dock.

After 3 years in the pen, Big Bob is free and has a new home equipped with lights and an alarm system. The others are up for adoption.

EDITED: If you want to see a REAL Big Boy's meal, check out Mama Mouse's Chatter. Oh, yummy, mama!

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posted by jane at 8:37 PM


Saturday, September 17, 2005

Dear Fellow Citizens

The President of the United States of America did, indeed, turn a new corner with his Truman like acceptance of responsibility this week. If you feel he seemed a bit reluctant & uncomfortable saying it, well, that's your problem. Deal with it!

On Thursday night we got a real touch of his Compassionate Conservative side as he promised to rebuild New Orleans with $200 billion of our money & wipe away poverty, injustices and inequality, all with one swoop of the almighty American dollar. (Did he mention they've suspended prevailing wages for contractor's while the poor in the ravaged area are hired? Yes. They'll be making minimum wage. FYI: that's $5.15 an hour)

Remember when Valerie Plame was outed as a CIA agent? On June 11, 2004, Bushi came right out & said that he would fire anybody who was involved in this leak to the press about information. When it was confirmed the leaker was Karl Rove, on July 18, 2005, Bushi said, "[i]f someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."

Well, let's go back to the Thursday night's speech for a minute. Remember when Bushi announced the $200 billion dollar reconstruction plan in New Orleans. Do you remember that?

Now, let's jump back to Karl Rove & Bushi. It seems that Bushi isn't wrong, no, no. Not our Bushi. It's we, the American people who misunderstood what Bushi said. He just wants to clarify.
Bushi never said "fire" so just cross out the word fire. Good job! What he said & what all of us misheard was when he used the word "HIRE".
You see, fellow dumb Americans, such as myself, Bushi has appointed aka HIRED Karl Rove to be in charge of the Gulf Coast reconstruction plan. (Looks like he's on the right track to repeat history Michael Brown!). Afterall, he's gotta spread the wealth. It can't just be Halliburton that's gonna get richer off this!

I assume some of you out there are skeptics and, well, it figures! Bushi is just trying to do something out of goodwill & it figures you liberals are gonna twist things all screwy.
I'm sure he's learned from his questionnable hiring of the former head of FEMA, Michael Brown, aka horse-awarder-firee to put only qualified people in high places.

So, I've decided to lay out Rove's qualifications for you party poopers. They are as follows:

1992 ~ Fired from the Bushi Gubernatorial Campaign for planting a disparaging story about a Bushi with Bob Novak.

2000 ~ Smear campaign against Decorated War Veteran, John Mc Cain ~ Rove suggests former POW McCain committed treason and fathered a child out of wedlock. After Rove denied role in McCain Whisper Campaign, reporters concluded he was behind it. They dubbed this Decorated Vietnman War Veteran, Mc Cain "The fag candidate". (and it was Bushi who was the cheerleader!)

2003 ~ Identifying a covert CIA agent. Of course, this was in retaliation for Valerie Plame's husband, Joseph Wilson, reporting the FACTS regarding Iraq & WMD.
(a federal crime)

2005 ~ Lying to the grand jury about knowledge of the leaking of Plame's name.
(another federal crime)

It seems you can't trust Bushi further than you can throw him. His coming to town brought temporary lights to ">Jackson Square & his leaving town left them in the dark. Again.

Are you surprised? Is anybody surprised? Has this person who is called our president done anything more consistently than lie? (My bad! I forgot his screwing up the English language...GOOD JOB YALE! hmmm maybe he didn't show up midway through college either)

The outrage? The silence? Right, the silence. Because behind one stupid president are over 50% of Americans following blindly.

If you voted for him in 2000; that's your American right. If you voted for him in 2004, well...while I wouldn't call it the smartest choice, it's still your American right. But if you still BELIEVE him, then go and find a hammer and hit yourself in the head with it repeatedly!

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posted by jane at 12:29 AM


Thursday, September 15, 2005

I think my brain's waking up

Yes, that's what it feels like. I'm not positive because, to be honest, it's not a feeling I've known for quite some time. BUT....I almost feel like I'm on sensory overload at moments. Just at times. While I was making dinner tonight (taco salad) all these ideas for things I want to write about in my blog were popping in my head. So many things, so little memory.
So I'm going to write them down, otherwise I will forget, but also because I want to share with my friends what I plan on writing about. If you'd like 1 more than another, I'm all ears. :)

I want to write about the Dolphins. 2 issues about them, but by the time I do write about them, hopefully the lost dolphins will be rescued & I'll write about the 'dolphin-safe' tuna. Dolphin safe tuna doesn't mean dolphins aren't being killed.
It bothers me so much I actually had to delete the webpage I had saved. Animals are my softspot & to see them in harm's way becomes unbearable at times. But by my NOT writing anything, what help am I? So, I'm going to write about this in an effort to educate us all.

Write about an argument me & one of my best friends had today. It was about the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

on that same thought...Louisiana - FACTS. Statistics. Can the victims actually be to blame?

Talk about our Govenator, Arnold! Pros & cons.

Examine the Patriot Act.

Discuss my absolute indignation at the partisanship of our politicians. GROW UP dumb f*cks!

The unique relationship between mothers & daughters.

When I was in the psych. hospital, so many of the patients were like zombies. Now I'm wondering though, do they need all that medicine? Are they stuck in a system that keeps them medicated with drugs, that perhaps, some don't need, or don't need as much. With my recent experience with Topamax, it's no stretch of the imagination to realize that we're like guinea pigs.

On that same note...I plan on researching Topamax & if I find any dirt, I'm going to expose the bastards.

My daily life with Cheeta. Afterall, I am my pig's mom!

The importance of getting our youth (15+) to start paying attention to politics & issues in our country, so they'll VOTE and have an educated MIND for 2008 elections.
This has nothing to do with political parties, strictly educating & voting.

How Bush waived the prevailing wages in the Hurricane stricken area & is allowing minimum wage pay for contractors.

And my next blog will most likely be about a life, murder & court case that has been close to my heart. Gwen Araujo 17, was a transsexual. She was murdered by a few males, as others watched. I'll write on this tomorrow.

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posted by jane at 9:31 PM


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

2 personal blogs about Hurricane Katrina

Jil of Wild Abandon lives somewhere near where Katrina hit, 100 miles from the Coast, but I'm not sure what state or county. She wrote an entry on September 12 titled, "Katrina Blows" and it's from an interesting perspective. While it mentions the bad things, she also talks about good things...the simple things in life that technology takes us away from.

Another blog I recommend is The Shattered Prayer. I found this blog via Like Laughter with an "S". The blog's author, Che, lives in New Orleans & became an evacuee. She writes a heart-wrenching account of the reality of Hurricane Katrina & what it's left in it's path.

I strongly recommend both of these blogs.

posted by jane at 2:24 PM


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Psychiatrist Visit (Post 3 of 3)

I went to my pdoc visit this afternoon & discussed what I wrote about earlier in today's post titled 'frustrated'. I also gave him the printed document that's in today's post 'Light at the end of the tunnel?' He told me to immediately discontinue Topamax. In all fairness, he is NOT the doctor that prescribed it to me. It was a Neurologist I was seeing. But my pdoc said he thought he'd discussed it with me before & I don't remember if we did or not.

Bottom line, I'm done with Topamax & recommend anybody who is put on it or knows somebody who is, to research it first.

posted by jane at 8:55 PM


Light at the end of the tunnel? (Post 2 of 3)

After considering the medications I'm on, I narrowed it down to 2 & did some research on them. The 2 are: Nortyptyline & Topomax. Then I stumbled on this! I've provided the link if you wanted to read it's entirety, but have only printed the part I consider important to me.

Topiramate dosing @ psycheducation.org

Side effects? Confusion and loss of balance have been the limiting factors to using this medication for a lot of my patients. It's been called "The California Drug -- it makes you thin and stupid" (Californians can take the joke; they get to live there, after all). Remember, some have been able to tolerate doses that caused these side effects by going back to a tolerable dose and increasing more slowly. The confusion starts with having trouble remembering names -- first proper names, then names for everyday things, and then even how to do basic things like using a can opener! The balance problem can be severe -- one of my patients fell into her oven and burnt her arm catching herself. Ok, you got the message: be careful! ~ End

Gee, I'm a Californian & I don't get the joke at all! As a matter of fact, I'd like to find the dumb f*ck that wrote that & box his/her ears! I'm talking to my psych. today & seeing if he'll guide me to getting off this, whether or not he will, I'm starting to taper off of it tonight.
I'm SO relieved to have found this out. At least this is a beginning!

ps...I'm opening up comments again.

posted by jane at 3:22 PM


frustrated (post 1 or 3)

I'm so frustrated right now. I've given up trying to improve my vocabulary, its just no use. Don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not. My memory is so shot that I can keep reading the same sentence over & over & not even know that I am. I guess I'd be an easy one to tell the same joke to.
I started reading my sewing pattern & also this book I got on webpage designing, but it's not just those 2 things, it's ANYTHING. Any book I read, details of movies or talking with someone on the phone, I just can't remember.
I'm on so many damn medicines, who knows what the long term effect is on ME. If I can't learn or READ anymore, there really isn't any ME anymore. I love to read, to learn about new things.
My vocabulary has become so limited the last few months, my punctuation isn't what it used to be. The words I use are probably junior high level at best & this isn't what I was. I can't pull words out of my memory anymore.
My mom just lets me interrupt now because she knows I won't remember what I was going to say.
My temperment has even changed. I used to be so happy go lucky, now I'm so cynical. I can be so rude to people & now I'm trying to catch myself when I realize it. Tarzan even has noticed & is concerned about all these medicines.
I see my psychiatrist today, but the bad thing is, all these doctors make their living off of me staying on medications. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING RETARD!
I can't put this in any post in any order. There was stuff I wanted to say but didnt, why? why else? I can't remember.
I turned off the comments just because I have to get this off my chest, but can't bear any comments.
I am not depressed, just coming to grips with reality. It's like when you're batting in baseball & you finally quit trying to pull an outside pitch & just go with it.


posted by jane at 1:45 PM


Sunday, September 11, 2005

Thanks Pancho

The Cuellar family owned a store in Agua Caliente, Mexico & were living a prosperous life when trouble found them. Everything they worked for & treasured was stolen from them & they were chased from their home and the country they loved. Trouble's name was Pancho Villa.

My Great-Grandfather, Felix Cuellar, was born in Spain. He was a very handsome man with blue eyes & black hair. He moved to Mexico where he met my Great-Grandmother, Simone Martinez; they married and had 16 children. I'm not sure where my Grandmother's place was in the birth order, but when you've got 15 siblings, I don't think it matters.

In Mexico they were considered privileged; in America they lived in poverty. But the Cuellar's were a hard working family & wouldn't give up. When she was a teenager, one of my Aunt's would go to work as a maid & her boss would give her food for her brothers who would be waiting on the street. As soon as they had some food in their stomachs, they ran off to go to work themselves. Even though they had to start over in America and would never again enjoy such monetary pleasures as they had, they found refuge & welcoming arms in America.

When my Grandmother, MamaGrande, turned 16, she eloped with my Grandfather, who was 29 years old. She had my aunt when she was 17 in El Paso, Texas. They had 4 children; my mom being the 3rd. MamaGrande finally kicked my Grandfather out for the last time when she had enough of his cheating.
My Godfather used to tell me that sometimes he'd give my mom & their younger brother lots of water at night so they wouldn't wake up so hungry. Mom was raised with Spanish as her first language, but once she started school, she was only allowed to speak English, unless speaking to her Grandparents. MamaGrande felt this was the best way in order to assimilate.

As a single parent & her oldest 2 children grown, MamaGrande moved out of East L.A. because she didn't want her youngest growing up with the pachucos and gang influences. Mom had to quit high school in the 9th grade to work & help provide for her family.

My parents met & were married in 1946 & have 5 children. 2 of the us have college degrees, 1 has his own business and the other 2 have very successful jobs. My dad passed away in 1993, but he & my mom were wonderful grandparents to 11 grandkids. There are now 2 beautiful great-grandchildren in our family.

I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm sure my ancestors couldn't understand at the time, what possible good could come from their suffering. How could they have known that someday they'd have hundreds of descendants who were thankful for the freedom & the opportunities granted upon birth just because they happened to be born in America.

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posted by jane at 10:04 PM


Saturday, September 10, 2005

Tired of her nagging voice? HA

Have you ever hated someone's nagging voice so much you were glad when they died? Well, I haven't, but I'm sure there's someone out there who has. Not even death may bring you solace anymore...

Last year, CIO came out with an announcement of a new product called, "Talking Tombstone." It's a pre-recorded message & video that can be programmed into a deceased one's headstone. This device, invented by Robert Barrows of California (did you really expect him to be from any other state?) will operate using a simple video play device, TV monitor, remote control & speakers or headphones.

Now, a second company has come out with a similar idea. This one is by Vidstone and called the "Serenity Panel". It's also in the headstone but has a latch-door for bad weather. The video can be from 5-10 minutes & is viewed on a 7" LCD panel, but this can be attached to a gravestone, mausoleums & columbariums. I have never heard of a columbarium, so I looked it up, here is the definition: A vault with niches for urns containing ashes of the dead.

At this website, it actually has an example of a Serenity Panel if you'd like to see it. I watched about 30 seconds of "John Doe" and got creeped out. Everything about funerals creeps me out. I think the funeral director's skin is a weird grayish color & I imagine that if you touch it, it probably feels waterlogged. Why is their voice so monotone? (Did you know in California, we have no law against doing things with dead bodies? like 'things') Funeral homes smell like gardenias, as a result, I hate gardenias. I hate open casket funerals & viewings. I don't like seeing dead people. Especially those who died a violent death. They always dress them in stuff they'd never wear & put on way too much makeup.

I'm surely in the top 1% of the biggest cowards in this category, so you're much more likely to want to view this (for more than 30 seconds) than I was. If so, click here.

Can you imagine being in the plot next to DEAD Aunt Gladys & her never-ending talking headstone, "You're going to shoot an eye out, young man!", "You'd better eat those greens.", "You're Uncle went blind doing that!" And what are you going to do? Shoot yourself? Good luck! You're already DEAD! Hopefully your relatives will love you & buy you a talking headstone too that tells hers to, "Shut the hell up!"

posted by jane at 10:56 PM


Friday, September 09, 2005

Can you clean your ear with your tongue?

Have you ever tried? An Okapi Can! An Okapi's tongue is about 18 inches long and it does clean it's ear with it's tongue! It can also grasp things like carrots & leaves.

A few summers ago, while at the Wild Animal Park in Escondido, California, I saw a most peculiar animal that would stay embedded in my memory. At first glance, I noticed it's gracefulness. Then, I realized it looked like a patchwork quilted giraffe; which is it's only relative. It has features of a zebra, giraffe & horse. This beautiful animal is called an Okapi.

Okapi's are found throughout the Democratic Republic of Congo are made perfectly for the tropical rainforest. It's oily coat is a velvety chestnut-brown or purplish red. the coat is oily to keep it dry at all times. The front legs are long & have stripes like zebras, while the hind legs are shorter & white with dark bands at the joints. They have a thick neck & a horse-like head. They need shorter legs & necks for better agility. Their body grows up to 7 feet long & about 5 feet at the tall. A full grown female can weigh up to 770 pounds. While being extremely tall serves a giraffe well in the wooded plains in Africa, it isn't practical for the rain forest.

Like most mammals, the mothers are extremely protective of their young. Gestation is 14-15 months & they give birth to 1 young. when it's time to give birth they go into the dense forest where they'll hide their newborn for days. They nurse for up to 6 months & the young have been seen nursing from more than 1 female. They're almost always silent with the exception of a soft cough the mothers have. The young are far more vocal. If the mother & it's young are separated the vocalizations increase. Their stripes help the young follow their mothers & also help the adults find each other. A mother will fight to defend her young, but will first beat her forelegs into the ground as a warning!

Adult males are territorial & can travel up to 2.5 miles daily. They mark their territories by spraying their urine. The males have small skin covered horns which are short enough so they won't get caught in branches.

Sources I've read disagree whether or not okapi's are an endangered animal. They live in small groups or alone. They're usually active in the daytime, use well traveled paths & rely on their sense of smell & hearing (like pigs). They live on leaves, grass, fruits & a sulfurous clay found along river banks that most likely helps them live for up to 30 years.

This is a really cool website from San Diego Wild Animal Park that has information & live pictures of Okapis this!

posted by jane at 10:39 PM


Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Blame Game!

Fema,Fema bo Bema Fonana fanna fo Fema
Fee fy mo Mema, Fema!

Blanco, Blanco bo Flonco Bonana fanna fo Flanco
Fee fy mo Mlanco, Blanco!

Come on everybody!
I say now let's play a game
I betcha I can make a rhyme out of anybody's name
The first letter of the name, I treat it like it wasn't there
But a B or an F or an M will appear
And then I say bo add a B then I say the name and Bonana fanna and a
And then I say the name again with an F very plain
and a fee fy and a mo
And then I say the name again with an M this time
and there isn't any name that I can't rhyme

Bushi, Bushi bo Bushi Bonana fanna fo Fushi
Fee fy mo Mushi Bushi!

But if the first two letters are ever the same,
I drop them both and say the name like
Bob, Bob drop the B's Bo ob
For Fred, Fred drop the F's Fo red
For Mary, Mary drop the M's Mo ary
That's the only rule that is contrary.

Brownie, Brownie bo Frownie Bonana fanna fo Frownie
Fee fy mo Mrownie, Brownie!

Nagin, Nagin bo Fagin Bonana fanna fo Fagin
Fee fy mo Magin, Nagin!

Every body do Chertoff!
Pretty good, let's do Hillary!
Very good, let's do Condi!
A little trick with Dick!
The blame game!

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posted by jane at 9:44 PM


Did you hear what O'Reilly said?

It all started on Sept. 6, 2005 when O'Reilly said this, "Second point, New Orleans is not about race. It's about class. If you're poor, you're powerless, not only in America, but everywhere on earth. If you don't have enough money to protect yourself from danger, danger's going to find you. And all the political gibberish in the world is not going to change that.

The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina should be taught in every American school. If you don't get educated, if you don't develop a skill, and force yurself (sic) to work hard, you're most likely be poor. And sooner or later, you'll be standing on a symbolic rooftop waiting for help.

Chances are that help will not be quick in coming."

Then, syndicated columnist Liz Smith wrote this, "FOX News emperor Bill O'Reilly tells us in Katrina's wake that if we — Americans —depend on the United States government for any reason, we are certain to be disappointed. Always. Bill's advice to America (to the poor of New Orleans, especially) is educate yourself and get a well-paying job. Only then can you avoid standing on a 'metaphorical rooftop' when the next disaster rolls around. Bill did not give the poor any advice on how one finds a proper education or a job. Remember, the government can't help."

Then on Sept.7, 2005, in response to the article, O'Reilly responded by saying this, "The USA has mandatory education. You have to go to school or pass exams if home-schooled. But nobody can force you to learn while you're in school.

If you refuse to do the hard work that education requires, and millions of kids do, you're going to be ill equipped to compete in the marketplace. And all the government programs in the world are not going to change that.

So every American kid should be required to watch videotape of the poor in New Orleans and see how they suffered, because they couldn't get out of town. And then, every teacher should tell the students, "If you refuse to learn, if you refuse to work hard, if you become addicted, if you live a gangsta-life, you will be poor and powerless just like many of those in New Orleans."

That's the truth. And one does not find an education. This country provides every citizen a chance to get one. Public education's free. Public libraries are free. Many community colleges are basically free. And scholarships of all kinds are everywhere. But no politician can make you learn or develop a skill...."
(I've removed 2 paragraphs here, but by clicking the link above, you can read them)

I wonder:
~Isn't something wrong here?
~Isn't O'Reilly saying that all victims of Hurricane Katrina didn't study or learn?
~Isn't he saying they refused to do hard work?
~Is America a class system where only the affluent get immediate assistance?
~Isn't this prejudical?
~Isn't this a slight generalization by Mr. "let me play with my falafel" ?"Oh wait, let me pay you off before the tapes go public" O'Reilly. Talk about spin!!

I'll be the 1st to admit it, I'm in leftfield a LOT, but am I on this one? What do you think? I'd really like to hear your opinion.

Last night I felt like a 5 year old on Christmas morning when I came across the actual court transcripts of the sexual harrassment suit on Thesmokinggun.com. In case you're unaware of what I speak, Bill O'Reilly of The Factor was charged with sexual harrasment in 2004. Even though he tried to intimidate the Plantiff, she stood her ground. Fox News offered to pay for the legal costs for O'Reilly to fight this, but O'Reilly chose to settle out of court. The case was suddenly went away on October 28th, oh, so quietly. Gee, I wonder why. I'm sure you've probably read them, but if you haven't just click here. The transcript where he refers to Al Franken is quite interesting!

My 2 cents:
Look, I could careless what people do in their private lives. But when someone claims to take the moral highground & is actually a hypocritical pompous ass scum sucking bottomfeeder, well, then I do take issue with that & will expose them for what they are. Mr. O'Reilly, education obviously can't teach class.

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posted by jane at 10:20 AM


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Isn't smoking sexy?

I just read the most recent post on Brad's Brain and found out that like Peter Jennings, Keith Olbermann who recently had a benign tumor removed from his mouth. Unlike Jennings' who had lung cancer, Olbermann has been diagnosed with mouth cancer.

Olbermann has become pro-active about the lethal dangers of tobacco & now has a segment on his show called, "I Quit". He gives smokers resources for quitting, 1 is "Don't Quit Alone" which gives links to resources, tips & advice from counselors, a quitting plan & 24/7 chat & much, much more.
Keith has another site which I find the coolest, if you're an ex-smoker, you can send in your story about how you quit. If you'd like to read success stories, then check out I Quit! with Keith Olbermann. You can email your own "I Quit!" story to Countdown@MSNBC.com. My personal story about quitting after 30 years of smoking, is detailed on my 8/9/5 blog. I tried to link it from archives, but I'm not that blog savvy yet.

Some tobacco caused diseases:

Buerger's Disease.
Hairy Tongue ~ No, not the band. (see photo above)
Emphysema ~ They say if you breath continually through a straw you'll know what it's like to have emphysema. I tried it for a few minutes & hypervenilated. I can't imagine a worse way to die.
Peridontal Disease
Heart Disease
Larynx Cancer

(To see some pictures of what these diseases look like, do a google search. First select: IMAGE. Then, for example, enter: hairy tongue )

If you're a parent & don't quit, expect your kids to become smokers. I actually believed that because at first I didn't smoke around my kids & then because I smoked outside, mine wouldn't start smoking. I was wrong! While I'm now a non-smoker, I'm also now the parent of 2 beautiful young adults who are smokers.

If you smoke, please QUIT. It's not sexy. There's nothing cool about it. Smoking stinks & makes your clothes smell. It makes your teeth yellow. You already know all this. There will always be an excuse NOT to quit. But look at all the reasons you have TO quit. It will never get any easier.


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posted by jane at 2:15 PM


Sunday, September 04, 2005

Be Prepared

Are you ready?

In California we've been warned for years that the "Big One' is coming. Watching the devastation of Hurricane Katrina as it transpires has made me again get our emergency kits ready. Sure, people may scoff at the idea, but I want the peace of mind in knowing I've done all I can to assure the safety of my family. Should a natural disaster strike & they have to survive on their own for days, I want them to be properly prepared.

Most of the kits I've seen are for 72 hours, yet as we've seen, we may be without assistance for much longer; I'm making our kits for 7 days. I've made them before & they're less expensive, of better quality & personalized for each family member.

Perhaps you don't have the time to read this now, please bookmark it or print this & adjust the list to your family (ie, individual, family with kids, etc.) & area (ie, hurricane, tornado, fire area).


1- Have an out of state relative or friend that all family members know to call (ie, Aunt Ann in Arizona)
2- Arrange a meeting place where you will meet when it's safe. (Relatives a county away)

*If you have children, pack some games, cards, familiar stuffed animal, a recent picture with height, weight, hair/eye color, birthmarks, etc.

As for a kit, this is my own opinion of what type I think would work best:
I'm making kits for 5 adults, so rather than a kit in each house, we'll have a kit in each car as our cars are usually nearby. You may want a family kit or a kit for home & for the car.

This is what each of my survival kits will contain, each with some variations & probably a 'Remember I love you' note.


Ours will be packed in a 5 gallon tub which will also serve as a toilet. (Remember this isn't the Hilton!)

WATER! 2.5 gallons (in it's own separate container) (approx. $2.00)

First Aid Kit ($9.95)

blanket (4 for $9.95)

Potable Aqua Drinking Water Germicidal Tablets (4 bottles for $9.95)

2 rolls of toilet paper (bulk)

1 package wet wipes (soft pack, not plastic. for easier packing) ($2.19)

travel toothbrush w/travel toothpaste ($2.00)

travel size hand sanitizer ($1.00)

trashbags (for toilet use) (bulk)

4 sets of plastic gloves (bulk)

1 flashlight (1.95)

1 book of matches (0)

1 portable radio ($3.98)

batteries for radio with 1 extra set (bulk)

Pen & paper *added to list thanks to Helen

3-boxes of 6 fruit/granola bars (approx $7.50)

3-cans of vegetables (with pop top) ($2.25)

1 large pack of gum ($.75)

** Remember food, water, medicine, blankets, etc. for your pets!! **

Dont forget- Inhaler for asthmatics, insulin for diabetics (*), medicine, aspirin, feminine products.

An interesting item I found was the E-Rock which is a complete disaster kit that hides under a provided rock you keep in your yard. It's enough to provide nourishment for 4 up to 3 days. While the $174.99 price is rather steep, it does have a toilet with a seat on it. Quite posh as far as survival kits go.

* As a diabetic who uses insulin, I don't know how to pack insulin for a disaster kit. Some insulin doesn't need to be refrigerated anymore, but even those can't withstand the California heat. Does anybody have any suggestions?

Any tips?

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posted by jane at 4:47 PM


Sunday 9/4/5

The past few days haven't been the best, but then, they haven't been the worst either. I can honestly say things are looking better from inside of me. There seems to be larger gaps between the crying fits. My therapy session is this Friday, so knowing that is a relief & I plan on telling her about the extreme lows & how quick my moods change.
Also & most importantly, things are all worked out with Tarzan, who is actually my #1 listener & comforter & any other 'encourager' type of word that fits in there.
Our talk finally happened this morning, I woke up really early & woke him up. I won't say what our conversation consisted of, but it was heartfelt on both our parts. Before Tarzan, I didn't know what it meant to be 'in love' with a man. Or to have someone to count on. I know he isn't perfect, but he's all I've ever wanted.

I did go this morning with Cavegirl to the Universal Unitarian Church & well, it wasn't really what I was looking for. (Is a Universal Unitarian Church different than a Unitarian Church?) In 1 word, it was pretty boring. But in all fairness, I must say, when I attended church as an adult, I attended Evangelical Pentecostal Churches. I see some heads nodding 'ahhhh'...'now we understand.' It's possible that I may attend there one more time but I doubt it. That church was closer to Cavegirl's and it definately wasn't up her alley, she said the people scared her. No reason why, she's just like that. I'm going to look into Sikh Gurdwara. I also want to see if there is a local Buddhist or Hindi church/temple.
We went out to lunch afterwards & talked forever & then when I took her home I visited my grandbaby's (their 2 puppies), then I went to the bookstore where I FINALLY bought my Michael Buble's CD (omg) of whom I will GLADLY offer my uterus to!!! As a matter of fact, I'd pay him to USE my uterus! (I think) That man (well, from my age, he's really a boy, ugh now paying him to use my uterus sounds kinda gross) okay, that young man has the purest voice of....oh gosh I just wish I were 20 years younger!!! The CD I got is called "It's Time" and let me tell Mr. Buble if he happens to read this, "Yes, it is time!" (lol I'm probably making someone puke)
Well, so I got Cavegirl a bible she wanted & then I got a book on webdesigning. It's something very foreign to me & I want to challenge my brain. I think it must be a fascinating field. I'm doing this as a hobby, so no pressure.

Back to reality for a few, you've all been so supportive, I wanted so much to say "I'm all better", and I am better, just still having some tough moments. I've opened up more people so if they call, I'm free to cry. Sometimes the crying is about nothing at all, others an overwhelming sadness. (Since I 'saved as draft' earlier, I've had another bout of crying) I think it's just something I have to LIVE thru right now. Keyword: LIVE. As long as I keep living, it's cool.
But I did get a sewing table!! They had one at Costco!! (Since I wrote this earlier, we've put the sewing table in it's place! ready for lift-off!) And went for a walk with Cheetah & Tarzan & it's been really nice weather.
Tomorrow is a holiday so I don't have to beg Tarzan to stay home sick, which is a relief for me & I'm sure it will be a relief for him too. Enough about me though, I've got some serious catching up to do on all of your blogs & that's what I'm going to do right NOW! :)

posted by jane at 4:31 PM


Friday, September 02, 2005

My most sincere thanks

I was going to respond to all of your comments in the comment section, but feel it's more appropriate to do so here. I cannot think of a time in my life when I've felt so loved by so many people. When I signed on today & saw these comments, I was overwhelmed, but in a very good way. I cried, but it was a happy cry. Right now as I write, it's honestly like I can feel your arms around me.

Today has been a better day. I went out with my mom for a few hours & we had a very nice time together. Cavegirl said she & Caveboy have had 2 very long brother to sister talks that were very needed. He apologized for a lot of things, which he needed to do. He still needs to make changes in his behavior, but he's taken that first step in the right direction.

Dan, I've never met you before but, you wrote this, "I believe in you because my house is still standing even though it's missing a leg. It'll teeter like a man on stilts in an earthquake, but it'll stand." and you know, I pictured my house with that 4th leg bandaged, not broken. You believe in me, yet you don't know me. Thank you.

For so long I haven't gone to church because I'm not a christian anymore, so I've felt like I can't go. Well, this Sunday, Cavegirl & I (and maybe Caveboy) are going to a Unitarian church closeby & as I read about them, their 1st affirmation is LOVE. I read more about their church & their beliefs & they're right on with what I & my kids believe.

I can't say enough thanks to each of you. Every single thing that each of you wrote touched my heart & I'm not exaggerating 1 bit by saying that. I hope & pray that something special touches your hearts & life soon that will let you know how much you mean to me.

Tigre....it worked! muchas gracias amiga! jc, y tu!

posted by jane at 4:52 PM


Thursday, September 01, 2005

mission critical

my blogger friend, Pequeno Tigre, fortunately told me of this plan, mission critical. That's where I think I am right now. My moods go way high to way low, but they've been going into crying fits more than anything the last few days.
I can't call anybody. I can't call my pdoc for 1 he'll want me to go to his office & i dont have a car. for 2, he'll want to put me back in the hospital and there is no way in hell i'm going back there. if i refuse to go, he'll put me in HELL! i'm not suicidal! i'm not going to take pills. i'm just really depressed & overwhelmed.

my bipolar friends i've met online have helped me more than any professional help i've ever gotten. thats not to put professionals down, but the help i get from other bp's is tried & true. i can't call tarzan cuz i'm upset with him over something that tomorrow will seem silly, so i know its mostly cuz i'm overwhelmed with other things going on in my life. my neck is so tense & i'm just sad.
i can't talk to anybody in my family cuz they're full of advice & i just have to live thru this. no advice, no walking or writing or anything. i've been exercising twice a day.

i live for 4 people. never myself. so those 4 people are like the stilts that hold this house (me) up. and when 1 of those stilts gets knocked down, which 1 is right now, i'm devastated. but now, another 1 is too. (meaning i'm upset with another 1, tarzan) so, my house is falling.

so tigre, i'm typing and breathing cuz its all i can do right now. and drinking water. if only i could type and my hurt would exhale & leave my body. it feels like its embedded so deep in my soul. i think maybe i should readjust my mood stabilizer. i take 300 mg in the afternoon, it starts affecting me around 5 or 6pm. then the rest 1500 mg i take at bedtime. my pdoc knows this. tomorrow i'll take 300 in the morning & see if that helps. just to get thru this time right now. i'm going to lay down & see if i can get some sleep for awhile, i havent been getting much of that lately.

posted by jane at 3:45 PM


That sinking feeling

There is nothing in life to prepare a parent for finding out their child has grown into an irresponsible adult & hasn't become a good person. I've done the 'he's a good person, just making bad choices' for over 10 years, honestly. He's bipolar & an alcoholic BUT also knows of EVERY resource available to him & has numerous family members he could reach out to. He's chosen a different path.

I woke up this morning feeling as though I'd been crying all throughout my sleep. But I hadn't. I was exhausted from yesterday, from crying, from worrying, not just about Caveboy. Mostly about Cavegirl & my mom. He's drinking & gambling excessively & it's now affecting them, not just emotionally, but in other ways also.
I intentionally didn't have my kids raised around their dad's side of the family so they'd have a fair shot at life & now, it's like I'm watching his dad at this age all over again. But this is a rerun I don't want to see. Cavegirl tried to talk to their dad about the problems they're having & he turned around and told Caveboy EVERYTHING she said. I know he didn't do that maliciously, but still, Caveboy came home & lit into her verbally. That's another thing their dad did & I remember too well.
That's what's breaking my heart. Cavegirl is really one of the most loving, sweetest young ladies & I hate to think of her being yelled at & called 'pathetic' and a 'loser' and other horrible names. They're locked in a house they're leasing together for 1 1/2 more years. She knows I'm available 24/7 to go to her if she needs me. We do have a plan if she ever feels her safety is threatened or if he physically does touch her. He'll be arrested & charges pressed & not dropped. It's come to that.
He's done some things I'm too ashamed to write even anonymously. One night when I went over he was so drunk, when I heard the things he was saying, I understood why he's gotten jumped as many times as he has.I'm too ashamed to repeat what he said.

My heart is torn & sad & worried & angry & just broken & crushed into so many tiny pieces it's unimaginable unless you've lived it. I'm not looking for advice, to be honest, I don't want any. I just had to let this out. I was going to turn off my comments for this post, but right now, I selfishly & desperately need your words of encouragement. Somehow they always help me get thru things.

Please, please, please keep them both in your thoughts & prayers. I'm praying that Caveboy hits bottom fast, I think the safest place for him right now would be jail. That may sound cold, but if you consider the alternatives; it's not. And I'm praying Cavegirl is kept safe, just ask God to keep angels all around her.

posted by jane at 12:13 PM