Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Pat Robertsonism's

If you thought Pat Robertson's recent fatwa for Hugo Chavez's assassination was shocking, then you aint seen nothin' yet! There are oodles of sites with Robertson quotes via Google. My favorite & the most exhaustive website is www.sullivan-country.com . I've used as many links to be impartial, but with this character, it didn't matter. They all have all of every quote & oodles more. I'll make no bones about it, I think the guy is off his rocker & a danger to society.

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" Pat Robertson, on nuking the State Department

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 1/8/92

"NOW is saying that in order to be a woman, you've got to be a lesbian."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 12/3/97

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." -- Pat Robertson, fundraising letter, 1992

(talking about Planned Parenthood) "It is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of beastiality, homosexuality, lesbianism-everything that the Bible condemns."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 4/9/91

"The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been happening." -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, Dec. 30, 1981

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union." Pat Robertson, on the constitutional separation of church and state

"Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court." Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 8/2/05

Pat Robertson: Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together. 700 Club, 1-21-93

(talking about apartheid South Africa) "I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 3/18/92

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them."--Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 14, 1991

When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. `What do you mean?' the media challenged me. `You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.'
-Pat Robertson "The New World Order," page 218

Technorati tags: chavez, 700 club, google, christ, lesbian, christians, jews, planned parenthood, u.s. constitution, communist, socialist, hitler, hindu, muslim, robertson, antichrist

posted by jane at 11:00 PM

It was a nice family...really

The following are true accounts of my adventures with my ex-husband & his family:

My sister-in-law & I went to the mall & she bought a pair of shoes. We were so stoned that we didn't notice until the next morning it was 2 left shoes.

Me & same S.I.L. were driving along after disco dancing one night. A cop car pulled alongside of us & turned on his flashing lights. I shouted, "Hi Officer, am I driving okay?" Obviously not. We were arrested & spent the night at Norwalk Sheriff Station in our pretty disco dresses. I didn't find out exactly why we were stopped until about 6 months ago. According to her, 2 of my wheels were on the road & the other 2 were on the center median; the car wasn't moving. It was the 70s and once again we were too stoned.

My Ex broke his leg trying to jump a fence one New Year's Eve. He had to catch a bus to UCLA Medical Center & as he was getting on the bus, the bus started to pull away. The bus driver obviously didn't see him in the stairwell & there he was bouncing with his leg stuck up the stairs & the rest of him head down. He had to let go of his crutches & his leg was eventually was freed from the stairs & he crawled to the gutter. That was so him.

On our honeymoon, as we were driving the Ford truck down to San Diego, cars were honking at us. I instinctively turned around & flipped em the bird, not realizing that on the back window it said, "Just Married"

My M.I.L. stored her dentures on the kitchen table at night. She saved her abc gum in the dentures at night.

My kids told me that their uncle said he recently went to the dentist. After seeing his xray's, the dental technician told him had she known how bad his teeth were she wouldn't have started to clean them. The only thing holding his teeth in his mouth is the plaque. She stopped cleaning his teeth. He's only 35.




Technorati tags: stoned, dentist, plaque, honeymoon

posted by jane at 1:06 PM

Monday, August 29, 2005

Bush to encourage Seniors to sign up...

I was wondering what all the commotion in the sky was about. I'd forgotten that President Bush was coming to town to pay a visit in Rancho Cucamonga. He's speaking today in hopes of having those in the audience sign up for the new Medicare program. (I hope they watch what they sign up for)

As usual with Bush, it won't be your Average Joe American, it will be his selective audience that's 110% pro-Bush & will only ask pre-screened questions. (you know how radical those senior citizens can be!)

This is a rather new community that's developed in the last 10 years.
When I was growing up, whenever we were going somewhere, we'd ask & be told, "We're going to Cucamonga." That was general for "It's going to be a long ride."

The area out here is growing so fast, in Rancho Cucamonga a woman was shocked when she saw coyotes in her neighborhood, which backs up to the San Bernardino Mountains. She must not have bothered to notice the name of her home tract & her children's elementary school was Coyote Canyon.

I'm hoping while Bush is here, maybe he'll change into his wranglers & take a spin down to Harbor City's Lake Machado in L.A. County. They say the wranglers may have met their match, but I'm sure if 'ol Dubya put on his waders he could surely wrestle Harbor Harry aka The Monster of Machado Lake aka Reggie. Reggie, you see, is a big 'ol crocodile who outgrew his residential digs, so his owners released him into a public lake.

Reggie's owner, an ex-police LAPD officer was arrested for having pot plants & illegal exotic animals. That's how they found out he's the owner & he dumped poor 'ol Reggie in the lake.

So, President Bush, while you're here, what do ya say about doing some vacationing in Lake Machado. Reggie needs to be caught and while we won't let you kill him, how about if we bought ya some faux croc boots & a belt as a thank you?

Technorati tags: president Bush, medicare, lake machado, crocodile

posted by jane at 2:04 PM

Sunday, August 28, 2005

"Oh Man, I shot Marvin in the face."

Pulp Fiction, is one of my all time favorite movies & the scene where Vincent accidentally blows Marvin's face off is my favorite. I also like when Jules' says, "This IS a tasty burger!" I've probably watched Pulp Fiction more than any other movie. Aside from being hilarious, I always find something I missed before.

If you like Pulp Fiction like I do, you'll enjoy this. If you don't like the movie, there is a remote possibility you may enjoy this post (minute possibility). If you're just curious, at the bottom is a test to see which character you'd play on Pulp Fiction. I've also listed all of the credit links at the bottom.

BRIEFCASE-One of the things that has me the most enthralled is the briefcase & the what makes it glow from within. Below I've listed various theories I've come across & then, finally, Tarentino gives his 2 cents.

1) Much has to do with the famous briefcase which belongs to Marcellus Wallace, and which Jules and Vincent capture in the apartment. We never see its contents, which emits a golden glow. There have been countless theories about what's in it but we'll never know. What we can notice is that the combination is "666" -- the sign of Satan. That's led to speculation that the Band-Aid on the back of Marcellus' neck conceals the number "666." Is Marcellus the devil? (Yeah and I'm Beyonce's identical twin)

2) The most persistent theory is that it is Marcellus Wallace's soul. The story goes that when the Devil takes a person's soul, it is removed through the back of the head (this isn't part of any known religion, but this is what the message board posters say). When we see the back of Marcellus's head he has a Band-Aid covering the precise spot indicated by tradition for soul removal. Perhaps Marcellus sold his soul to the devil which would also explain why the combination to open the briefcase is 666. (This is what I vote for)

*Quentin Tarantino has said that the band-aid on the back of Marsellus Wallace's neck had nothing to do with an allusion to the Devil stealing Marsellus's soul... but that the actor Ving Rhames had a scar on the back of his neck he wanted to cover up. (Right Quentin)

-In a radio interview with Howard Stern in late 2003, Quentin Tarantino was asked by a caller the contents of the briefcase, and he answered, "It's whatever the viewer wants it to be." (Oh Blah friggidy Blah)

JULES THE BIBLICAL SCHOLAR: Jules' says he's quoting Ezekiel 25:17, which says: "And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."

But what Jules' is actually quoting is part Psalms 23, and then the rest from the Book of Jules: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers." (You tell 'em Jules!)

TRIVIA:
On the films less significant side, there are also many secrets to discover:
-In Jack Rabbit Slim's, for example, the waiter playing Buddy Holly (Steve Buscemi) was Mr. Pink in QT's "Reservoir Dogs."
-Three other cast members from "RD" (Tim Roth, Harvey Keitel and Tarantino) are also in "PF."
-There is a Vic Vega in "RD," perhaps related to Vincent Vega
-The innocent bystander shot by Marsellus Wallace is the same actor pulled out of her car by Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs (1992).
-The Big Kahuna burger was also eaten in the movie From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) and first appeared in Reservoir Dogs (1992).
-Butch smokes "Red Apple" cigarettes. The same brand is smoked by Tim Roth's character in Four Rooms (1995).
-The book that Vincent reads is "Modesty Blaise", by 'Peter O'Donnell (I)' . In that book, a killer indulges in a Biblical rant very similar to that of Samuel L. Jackson's character
-Butch smokes "Red Apple" cigarettes. The same brand is smoked by Tim Roth's character in Four Rooms (1995).
-The word "fuck" is used 271 times
-When Vincent and Lance are attempting to give Mia the adrenaline injection, the board games "Operation" and "Life" are visible in the background
-Every time Vincent goes to the bathroom, something "bad" happens. (A Freudian slip?)

http://www.pyrrha.org/pulp/
http://www.moviemistakes.com/film1025 << 47 mistakes in the movie
http://www.godamongdirectors.com/tarantino/faq/secrets.html << Secrets of 'Pulp Fiction' (5/95) by Roger Ebert
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/trivia << trivia

Please come back & leave a comment about what Pulp Fiction Character you are. In case you're wondering, I'm

It has to be YOUR way. When it isn't, you panic, but hold your ground. You keep your gun pointed and trigger finger ready, but you'd never really hurt anyone. Though you like being tough, feeling control, you often enjoy blending in and being part of the ordinary human race.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

posted by jane at 2:45 AM

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A Human Zoo (really)

"Warning Humans in their Natural Environment"

The London Zoo did an extensive search of 30 applicants to take part in it's 4 day Human Zoo project. 8 lucky Homo sapiens were chosen, among them are a veterinary science undergraduate, a chemist, a kickboxer, a professional dancer, and an actor. Three more human species will enter the exhibit today.

During the August Bank holiday, a flock of Homo sapiens have temporarily taken up residency on the world famous Bear Mountain. The project started on Friday, August 26th & closes on Monday, August 29th.

The humanoids will be fed a vegetarian diet, cared for & kept entertained by the zookeepers. They've been given such toys as a football, some hula hoops and a Connect 4 game. They were told to wear their swimsuits & pinned to those are fig leaves, for the sake of modesty. The flock will spend 8 hours daily in it's 'nest'. Unlike other primates, this lucky group of 8 will be let out each night to sleep in the comfort of their own bed.

There seem to be 3 purposes for this exhibit:

1) To show that humans are primates too.

When spokesperson Polly Wills, of the London Zoo heard these questions asked by children & other visitors, "Why are there people in there?" Ms. Mills gladly responded, "Seeing people in a different environment, among other animals teaches members of the public that the human is just another primate." It also, she conceded, lets them "have a gawk at people."

2) Educate the public on the dangers of Homo sapiens:

Since evolving from primordial slime, the species they represent has been responsible for destroying 844 other species, and some 800 million of its own kind. Nearly 15,600 separate species are believed to be threatened with extinction caused by human activity.




3) Overpopulation of humans:

To underline the point, displays outside the enclosure comparing humans with chimpanzees and gorillas note that more humans are born every hour than the existing population of the two other apes.

According to The New Zealand Herald few of the public's responses regarding the exhibit were:

11-year-old Rory said: "Cool, I want to have a go? It looks like Baywatch up there. And they even get a better view of the monkeys."

Justine Appleby, 34, said: "I did a double take when I saw them - for a split second, I found myself thinking, 'blimey, what kind of animals are they? It's actually quiet a powerful message - what if we are so successful in destroying our environment that one day the only place you could see human beings is in a zoo?"




Since the July, 7 bombings in UK, the zoo's visits have declined by 30%. August normally contributes for approximately 25% of it's annual income, according to Simon Rayner, the zoo's head of communications & also the original brain behind the Human Zoo. Hopefully, this creative Homo sapien exhibit will help bring more 2 footed visitors.

Technorati tags: human zoo, simon rayner, primates, homo sapiens, environment, over population, london zoo

posted by jane at 2:27 PM

Friday, August 26, 2005

Do you want to have your dick cut off?

Sometimes I like to read about stupid criminals & it's not hard to find stories about them. I found this story on Court TV.com:

Man Threatens To Castrate Ice-Cream Vendor

According to the West Hartford, Conn. Police report, 17 year old ice cream truck driver was just trying to make an honest day's living on August, 21, 2005. As he was truckin' along, listening to "It's a Small World", suddenly, out of nowhere comes 46 year old Matthew Flynn!
but Mr. Flynn stops right in front of the ice cream truck & plants himself there!

but that's not all..

Mr. Flynn, it seems, has a pair of hedge clippers in his hands & is waving them in the air.

Then good 'ol Matthew orders the young driver to turn off the music & leave!


The driver complies, turns off the music & turns the truck around.

But that wasn't good enough...

As the ice cream man is driving away, Matthew Flynn runs alongside the truck and makes cutting motions with the clippers.

According to Sgt. Jeff Rose, "He pushed the clippers into the driver's face and asked, 'Do you want to have your dick cut off?'"

After the driver fled, he filed a complaint at the police department, Flynn was arrested and charged with threatening and breach of peace. (Shouldn't it also be for attempted breach of penis too?) He was released on $500 bond.

If you're wondering WHY he did this, Mr. Flynn told the officers that he hates ice cream music. (wah wah wah)

-If you want to read about more stupid criminals:

Man may have set monitoring device, self on fire

Owners of jaywalking chicken get ticket

Drunken man tries to ride lawn mower to grocery store

Technorati tags: court tv, stupid criminals, west hartford, conneticut,matthew flynn, west hartford police department, castration

posted by jane at 1:43 PM

Thursday, August 25, 2005

New BLOGS on my block!

I've added some new blogs to my list on the right & would like to introduce them. I'm doing these in random order. My hope is that you'll pick at least 1 to visit, maybe not always the 1st one, but somewhere in between or at the end too. Hope you enjoy them & say hi.

Oliviah Unleashed by, of course, none other than Oliviah! If you read her August 20, 2005 entry, it pretty much tells everything about her & you realize the actual genius that she is. She creates these images & to be honest, I think that's taking pictures, but I must admit, I'm not 100% positive. BUT they are out of this world! Check them out I'm sure you'll agree.

Gene Snyder Airport Sucks~ Owner: Ananke of Falmouth, Kentucky. Her words, "A blog devoted to my hatred of the pompous asses who run the Gene Snyder Airport in Falmouth, Kentucky. Not much to know really. I work in fluorescent hell and I'm looking for another job all the time (hey, who isn't?)."
Okay, some history - Ananke has another blog most of us know, Confused and Amused, which I love to read. Well, now it seems she's verging on the brink of insanity due to some 6 red baron airplanes doing tricks at a local airport that happens to be in direct vicinity of her home.
If you look at some past posts on Confused & Amused, you'll see her flippin the good ol bird to the red baron, but now, she's devoting an entire blog to this insanity/obsession. Won't you come along for the ride? It's really rather humorous & we're planning to streak nekkid down the runway on a Sunday afternoon, say perhaps in September. Shall we?

Wandering Medusa - Medusa lives in Brooklyn, NY and she writes: "medusa is the name of the small town where our family farm is located... the word has always had associations with family and history and the past... subjects that invade my fiction writing constantly."
She writes about daily things in her life, but everytime I read her blog, it makes me smile.

Treading Lightly on Powdered Sugar is written by Queenie, another talented bipolar writer. Now, I have to talk about this specific entry because it's one of the best I've EVER read! It's her August 23, 2005 entry & she & the hub-unit are having this conversation about if she ever becomes pregnant. He says he may have sympathy pains for her when she's in labor. Well, she convinces him that it's not unheard of for spouses to lactate also when their wives are pregnant and he FREAKS OUT! Once you read that entry, you're hooked.

Wild Abandon - A bipolar blog
This is Jil's personal blog of her adventure's in Bipolarland, as she calls it. Kinda like Disneyland, but hey, it's free! She keeps it very real & offers us great insight.

Mood Swings & Other Things is owned by none other than Ms. Gigglezngrinz herself! In her words: "Ramblings, Tantrums and Babblings of a Bi-Polar Mind. Leave a note to let me know you've been here. I'd like to visit your blog if you pass by. Thanks!"
Although I've just started reading this blog, it has a very homey feeling. The kind you can sit down & read post after post & get to know this mom, sister, woman & so much more, I'm sure. Drop by & say hi.

LiKe LauGHTeR WiTH aN "s" ~ Kathryn Slaughter of Schenectady, New York. Her words, "meandering ramblings of a bipolar artist mother poet wife who is too fat and waiting for gastric bypass and trying to keep it altogether just the same. Activist, artist, designer, bird-watcher, b2b marketing consultant, entrepreneur, environmentalist, essayist, mother, poet, novelist, wife."
She's also bipolar. Great site! Excellent graphics, writings, links, you name it, check it out!

Box of Rain is owned by Helen from Vergennes, Vermont. In her own words, "Ex-party animal, ex-city dweller, ex-wife, ex-best friend, ex-student, ex-home owner, forever a Deadhead.....so much to look forward to!"
Helen writes the most interesting posts with outstanding photos.

Contagious by Contagious, gosh sounds like a new fragrance, doesn't it? She lives in New Hampshire & in her own words, "I'm crabby, happy, sarcastic, silly, pessimistic, friendly, social and anti-social. I'm known for my evil eye and often I think I'm smiling but I'm actually scowling."
I've read a few of her posts & she's cute as a button! She saved some little mice & took them outside to live happily ever after. Now that is a kind soul! I like her blog, it's funny & easy going.

Mind Tricks ~ by Pequeno Tigre. In her own words: "Personal fascination with, and exploration of, the mind and the tricks we play on ourselves! My writings are observations mixed with experiences mixed with facts ~ TRANSLATION: This is NOT scientific research. You're welcome to follow along. I explore most of life through ART...my art website is linked in the sidebar... ENJOY!"
Another bipolar artist....gosh we're a talented group!! Check out her current entry though, titled: 101 Things to do INSTEAD of Relapse! (How I wish I'd read this 2 weeks ago!) This woman rocks!

posted by jane at 8:59 PM

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Testicle Festival

www.testyfesty.com

I originally posted this entry on June 28, 2005. With the actual festival almost upon us, a re-entry seems appropriate:


Once in a blue moon, an opportunity comes along to spread some good news. So it is with The 22nd Annual Testicle Festival this September 15-19 in Clinton, Montana.
They're servin' Rocky Mountain Oysters & Bull Snort Brew up there darlin'!
Curious as I was, I called & spoke with the owner, Rod. He was rough around the edges, funny, friendly & very informative! Below are my questions & his answers.

1) How long have people been eating bull balls?
They've been eating 'em for over 100 years.

2) Are they served in pairs?
NO!(he laughs) EACH ball is the size of a cantaloupe or a volleyball! (he's still laughing!) They're served in 4 or 8 oz filets.

3) How are they prepared?
We quadruple dip 'em in a secret wet batter & then deep fry them. They're served with a ball bustin' hot sauce with jabanero. You can have them with fries, baked potato, eggs, anything you'd like. We're a full service restaurant.

4) What do they taste like?
Some people say they taste like chicken. But to me they taste like BALLS! (How does he knows what balls taste like? I didnt ask.)

5) How much do you serve at each Testicle Festival?
Last year, we served over 5,400 pounds of testicles.

6) Do people eat them year round?
Yes. In this neck of the woods they're known as cowboy caviar & my lodge serves them year round.

As we concluded our conversation, I was kinda wishing I could go up to the Rock Creek Lodge, not to eat rocky mountain oysters, but just to visit. Rod is a very personable fellow. We said our goodbyes & I asked his permission to use mention their website, lodge & use their logo on my blog, he said, "Sure & mention that you spoke to the "Baron of Balls"." Then he snorted & our call ended. Well, folks, I spoke to the "Baron of Balls" at the Rock Creek Lodge & I feel quite honored. *snort*

Question: Would you eat bull balls? If yes, would you like some bull bustin sauce with jabanero on the side?

posted by jane at 11:14 PM

the beginning, at last

When I went to my pdoc on August 10th, I was crying. I told him some things about the 9th & he gave me 2 options:
1) I could self admit to the psychiatric hospital in the town I live in
OR
2) He would 51/50 me to the County ETS. <<< that's not good. 51/50 in California means you're being committed against your will & you'll be there at least 72 hours. ETS is a County facility. What more do I have to say? It's County!
I'd had a 1 night stay at ETS back in 2000 when I tried to O.D. I can't recollect most of it because I was shuffled to the E.R. & then back to ETS. As ugly as that place was, it was also comical. Some girl was pouring salt & pepper on some sleeping cholo's head & he'd keep waking up to see what was happening. We'd all just pretend nothing was happening & he'd go back to sleep & she'd do it again. Oddly enough, I was out by about 2p.m. the same day.

I took door number 1 & went to the local psychiatric hospital. I was interviewed, which is customary because you have to meet certain criteria to be admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital. That day is really pretty much a blurr. I can remember other people from the first few days, but not myself. my pdoc said I was having fits of crying, which wouldn't really surprise me. As I write this, it seems like so long ago, maybe I don't want to remember, I'm not sure.
It was like walking into One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The people were old & they seemed nuts. Some stuck in these chair that looked like giant highchairs with trays & all, just sitting there making guttural noises. I noticed there were no "AWOL" signs on the doors, which was a good thing; it wasn't a locked facility. They also didn't use restraints as everybody was there voluntarily. No padded cells, another good thing. (I'd never been in one, but had seen one before.)

Snaggletooth was my roommate. She arrived about 2 weeks before I did & the entire time I was there, she moaned about the possibility of having to move to a board & care. She's the most negative person I've ever been around in my lifetime. (As of yesterday, she's still there.)
I will usually laugh regardless of how dire the situation. I try to take the life lightly...well, until depression hits. But that week in there, I can't say of 1 time we laughed.
Every single thing was about her. Every group session (ugh) she attended that I attended, she'd bitch or whine & the leader always said it was the same as the last time she shared. Some didn't want to call on her because it was just the same 'ol same 'ol.
One time when Tarzan was visiting, just out of the blue, she said, "I'd be a lesbian if I didn't like men so much." Well....okay...
Maybe you're wondering how she got her name: Snaggletooth. It wasn't easy to come by, believe me.
Her teeth.
I think the bottom teeth were okay, but on the top teeth, the only ones visible were her incisor teeth. All the others were gone. She had the worst breath I've ever smelled in my life. I mean from 2-3 feet away & it didn't matter if she just brushed & used mouthwash.
Well, ugh...the recollection is painful here....we stored our issued toothbrushes & toothpaste in the restroom; they were identical, but stored on separate sides of the shelf. I noticed once my toothbrush was on the right side instead of the left. I thought perhaps I'd made a mistake so I moved it over. Then, it happened again. That was it! I called Tarzan & had him bring me my own toothbrush & dental hygiene things. I kept them in my nightstand.
I mentioned to her that she'd used my toothbrush & she apologized. A few days later she told me that all of her top teeth (what was left) were rotten & had to be pulled.
And she had used my toothbrush! :(
Not only that, she told me she has pyorrhea!
And she had used my toothbrush TWICE! :(
I'm going to the dentist soon.
She also didn't wipe, flush or wash once when she went to the restroom. This was no Camp Powderpuff.

It was very difficult at times to try & stay positive, it seemed like she literally stole any hope of light that I saw coming my way. I didn't want to talk to her about anything, because without fail, she'd turn the subject onto her & her problems.
Hearing her talk about how many mental hospitals she's been in scared the crap out of me. She said both her boyfriend & her son had gotten tired of her many suicide attempts. Her boyfriend left her & her son had her committed. She blamed them for her situation. The complacency in which she spoke about it was unreal.
But she was good for me. There, staring me straight in my face was what I will become if I don't accept personal responsibility & keep myself mentally as healthy as possible.

1 memory that I will never forget from that place, is the way I felt at dining room. First of all, the food there was out of this world! We had cheese enchiladas, pork roast, roast beef, it was all delicious. There was a group of 5 or 6 of us women who ate together. I've never in my life felt as though I've fit in with any group of girls/women. It may have looked from the outside like I belonged with the crowd, but inside, I never did. This was the first time that I immediately belonged. I didn't have to make any extra effort, there was some sort of bond we all shared. Maybe it's that we all knew we weren't perfect, so no false pretenses were ever even attempted.

95% of the staff was kind & respectable. Everything I hope to store from my stay in that hospital will be positive or humorous because I never want to go back. I have a great support system, a boyfriend, mom, kids, sister & a pig that love me. An able body to exercise, a good therapist & pdoc & the desire to live a productive life. I may write about my stay there another time, but for now, I want to lay this to rest.
Thanks to all of you for your support.

posted by jane at 12:00 AM

Monday, August 22, 2005

The DICK Club

Ohh yeah, The DICK Club. All 3 members of The DICK Club were employees at Club Medication aka the psychiatric hospital, while I was a guest last week. There were a few requirements for this club:

1) You had to be in a profession for which you didn't give a damn about. Everybody in contact at work must be well aware that you are ill-suited for your position including, but not limited to: peers, supervisors & clients.

2) Your penis had to grow no longer than 4 inches at full erection. This would be evident by the exaggerated ego you'd display towards completely vulnerable patients.

3) The girth of said penis must be no more than 1 inch. Everybody who came in contact with you would know this the way your head would bobble on top of your shoulders. After all, that is the only head larger than your thumb, right?

King of The Dick Club was Eric the Social Worker. (yes, Eric is his real name) A Social Worker that surprisingly, nobody could stand, even staff. Eric thought he was the big dick around town & everybody but Eric thought he was nothing more than a pathetic joke & knew he had a gnome's penis.

King Dick turned in 2 recommendation's for me to STAY at Camp Cuckoo, the last one was because I'd had a migraine for 2 days. I'd taken all the Midrine I could in 24 hours, so my regular physician came & prescribed me Vicodin. I took 2 in a 6 hour period. When Eric came by my room to see why I didn't attend his retarded group, I told him I wanted to go home and his reply was, "Hmmm, you have a migraine & your doctor gave you a vicodin." I told him I didn't see how he had any say in my staying or going as he never took the time, in the 5 days I'd been there, to have a 1 on 1 conversation with me. He said that was because I'd never attended his groups. (Gee, that still wouldn't be 1 on 1, would it?) He pulled that kind of passive-aggressive bs with everybody there & that is why he is king of The DICK Club.
Upon my leaving, I wrote up Wanna-be-king-of-The DICK Club (below) and at the bottom, I listed the group leaders I thought were good. Then I wrote: Eric sucks.

Wanna-be-king-of-The Dick Club, Alan was a charge nurse who never wore his badge. Why? Because he never wanted to be bothered by us peons. He just wanted to click away at the computer. The morning after I'd had a migraine all day, I woke up @ 6:45a.m. still with a headache. I asked Alan if he'd please call my physician & see if he'd prescribe something for my migraine. He said they couldn't unless it was an emergency. I didn't give up & Alan finally referred me to Lisa, a beautiful & kind Asian nurse that went above & beyond her duty. So, I found Lisa & asked if she could help.
As we were talking, a patient nearby fell. Lisa was helping her up. Alan & another nurse came down the hall. Alan looked at me with what can only be described as contempt as asked what I was doing there. I said I did what he said & found Lisa to help me. He said to go to my room. I asked him why he treated us all like morons. He said, "Maybe you are a moron." To which I passionately replied,"You fucking jackass." And he said, "You'd better watch you're language, lady!" I replied, ever so ladylike, "Fuck off, Alan!" I turned & walked to my room.
My physician did come in later that morning & gave me medicine for my migraine. And the following morning I wrote a complaint about Alan, as I'm sure he wrote one about me. (Alan is his real name, too)

Notorious Inverted Dick Jester Jim (Yep, real name) is the last member of the ever so esteemed DICK club. He was a fill-in social worker for dipshit Eric, because Eric had too much work to do. So, here I was stuck with a man that said, "I See" and "um hmm" way too often. My interview wasn't until on my 3rd day & he pissed me off. He asked what my goal was & I said to go home. He said in this sick, sadistic voice, "Oh but I hope you'll stay with us a while." This was on a Friday & I knew by his tone I was stuck there for the entire weekend! I wished so badly that I could pull a Linda Blair on him, spin my head & vomit cornflakes with pea soup right in his stoic face!

He wanted me to sign a document from my original intake & the woman wrote that I'd said I was hearing voices, was in fear for my own safety & that my brother (Osama) resented me from birth. The latter of the 3 was true & I told him he could call my mother to verify that. The first 2 were flat out lies & I wasn't signing any such document. That 'hearing voices' shit is schizophrenic & I WON'T let that be part of my official record unless I heard some voices!! Because I wouldn't sign a false statement, this prick of dicks wrote that I was non-compliant & refused to sign paperwork, thus leading my pdoc refusing to let me out later that day. That is how Jim got initiated into The DICK Club!

As you can see, I'm quite picky & passionate about who can get into this exclusive club; it's just not for every Tom, Dick & Harry. I made a suggestion to the Director of Nurse's (I think I surprised these idiots that I could actually put my thoughts onto paper) and said I think employees should have to stay a few days in a psychiatric unit without the staff knowing they're not really a patient. Let them see how it feels when someone who has your freedom in their hands acts like a nonchalant pompous ass. Touche!

posted by jane at 11:26 PM

I THINK I'M IN LOVE!

OMG I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL BUBLE!

posted by jane at 4:58 PM

re: 3t's and Henny's comments

3T said: Sorry I misunderstood the last post :{ I'll read closer now.

First I must tell you all, 3T qualifies for having the sweetest heart in all of Blogistan. 3T, you did nothing wrong! After I read my post it did look like Al & Patty were a couple. I just wanted to say why I was changing it. I didn't want people to read your comment & wonder why you mentioned them as a couple when I stated they weren't, lol. So I was just backin ya up girlfriend.
Please don't ever ever ever apologize!

Henny said...
I want to know if anything changed or was fixed or ,you know, while you were there? I want to know how you are getting along with your son now. Hope I'm not repeating words here. I am glad you are back and I LOVE the new look. You must be feeling a little better.

Henny, Yes, I'd say 4 things have changed. Caveboy & I talked, I asked him when bad things happen to him if he blames me & He said, "Nooooo, just the opposite. I worry when bad things happen to you that it'll be my fault." Awww, my baby boy. I told him "No, never!" So, we're both accepting self-responsibility for our own accomplishments & screw ups. I'll have to write a blog about him one day, he's an amazing young man.
2nd thing: I'm having a memorial service for my brother, Osama. It's therapist & mother approved! Even my kid, Tarzan & my sister know about it & all think it's a good idea. It's to put to rest the brother that I knew. The brother that loved me for probably a total of 7 years out of my entire life. That brother no longer exists. So, I'm going to write our happy memories & probably put them in a small box & have a little service by myself. It's nothing I'm taking lightly & will be a very solemn service. I've also decided that I won't be attending anything where Osama will be, anybody that has a problem with it can be my guest at a psychiatric hospital of their choosing, for a week. I'll even visit em once. After that, I will look at my siblings as 2 brothers, instead of 3, and 1 sister. Right now, it's my only solution.
3rd thing: Carla (I think that's the pseudo name I gave her), the lady I tried to help last week, has let the bitterness she has towards her family ruin her life. Watching her has made me take a good, hard look at how much power I've given my brother's hatred over my life. So, I'm starting to see my therapist again, continuing with my pdoc & mostly, do things like JC has suggested to me:read happy words, watch funny movies, go swing, get out of the house, even if it is just for a walk, get a massage, whatever you can do. Today I went swimming in the morning & it was so invigorating! (btw, Carla called last night & she's back in the hospital. I'm just glad she is safe.)
Lastly, I learned from my roommate, Snagglepuss, not to be a pessimist. I finally told her one day that if somebody gave her a million dollars, she'd find something wrong with that. She just saw the worst in everything. The worst part was, she didn't remember what she said 30 minutes before so she'd repeat the same whining over & over again. At one point my pdoc was going to get me out, but believe it or not, the other room were worse.
I must say though, yesterday while grocery shopping, I kinda held my head down. I didn't want anyone from the nuthouse to recognize me. And while I'd probably encourage someone else to 'hold their head high', it's different when it's you. It's just something I have to work through & a little humbling, I suppose.

posted by jane at 3:54 PM

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Well, since Doris asked...

My dear friend, Doris of Grans on Bran, wrote an interesting comment & I think it bears repeating & a response:

doris said...

I'm sorry if my jokey comment offends because it is not meant to - but Jane, you have some great stories from your brief few days in Camp Cuckoo Nest that I reckon it is a good place to go for blog material!!! :-)

I hope you are feeling happy to be home and that things are getting better bit by bit. (((Hugs)))


Doris,
First of all Doris, I'd never be offended by anything you'd say. Never. That is very true about the stories. Everytime Tarzan would visit me he'd say, "Jane, I hope you're getting all this down." Well, I've never in my life journaled so much as I did those 6 days. Most of it though, was about my inner feelings, which I haven't yet touched on. I haven't opened my journal since I've gotten home though, not sure why. Some of it was on some humorous things that went on, but if I were to mention them in this venue, I'd be having fun at the expense of another's illness. If I can ever find a way to word so that if the person I'm writing about were in their right mind wouldn't mind me writing about them while they weren't, maybe I will. I doubt I will ever become that esteemed of a writer.

One thing it would help to realize, time isn't the same outside as it is inside an insitution. SIX days is 144 FUCKING hours which is too much time when you are in a MENTAL INSTITUTION!!! There was no music, no natural sunlight, no fresh air and the 'fresh air' breaks were scheduled for the 4 smokers so they could go out into the 20x40 ft patio (approx. and cram as many smokes as possible in what little time they were allotted.) We were able to open our windows 4 inches on each side, but there were heavy unmovable drapes that blocked any wind or feeling of fresh air. The big room window even had a screen, so you never got a clear look at the outside, never got to go for walks, no exercise time. There wasn't a whole lot of stuff to do, at least not for me, except read, journal, socialize & people-watch. My biggest fear there was growing complacent & becoming like some of the people who didn't know where they were & were so drugged up, they didn't even know they existed anymore.

When you first see these people all you see is their outer shell, how grossly they eat, that they drool, things like that. Once while eating, I put my head down because a very sweet woman's tongue kinda stuck out while she ate. I think she had a stroke, she was probably only in her 40s. When I got back to my room, I was so ashamed of myself. How many hundreds of people had put their heads down in her presence while she ate? How did I make her feel? Who the hell did I think I was? After that, I tried to see with different eyes. This is just an issue I have to get over. You wanna know why? Because it isn't all about me!

Aside from what I've written above, since having my kids, we've never had much money, since humor is free, it was always affordable. And we're the best when it comes to laughing at ourselves. When Caveboy was around 5, he used to fly beetles around by a string for entertainment. One day, Cavegirl said, "Mom, are we white trash?" and before I could respond, she said, "Oh wait, we're not white!" (Cuz we're part Mexican) so....
I still have a few more Cuckoo Nest stories to share, including: The Dick Club & Snagglepuss.

ps....if anybody has a question they want to ask about the nut house, feel free to do so.

posted by jane at 6:15 PM

Saturday, August 20, 2005

So, how was your childhood?

Al & Patty were 2 elderly patients at Camp Cuckoo Nest. I'd say they were both about 75 years old. Al was 1 of the 3 men who were confined to the big wheelchair's with the trays. Patty was ambulatory but I think she had alzheimers disease & also some psychological disorder. Their lives seemed a sad contrast to one another. Here they were, 2 probable grandparents & everyday they reflect on the same things over & over.

Patty would wander what little hallways there were. If one were to use the hallways for exercise, you'd probably have to walk them at least 75 times. Anyways, a few times she'd wander into our room & I'd tell her it wasn't her room & then show where hers was. But she was always muttering about someone wanting to murder her. One day she had obviously been scratching at her forehead & I asked her what happened, she said her mother did it. I asked what did she do? She said her mom put a nail there. Obviously, that didn't happen. But Patty was forever trying to get away from her mom or her brother because they'd hurt her. I wished there was some way to make Patty's memory tape either rewind or fast forward to just 1 good day & stay stuck on that, at least then she'd have happy memory after happy memory.

Al, on the other hand, did 3 things. He said, "I love you." He signed, "I love you." He also had another way of signaling "I love you" by pointing to himself, saying 'love' and pointing to the person. That was all Al did. Most everybody that walked by Al would say, "I love you, too." Whether it would be patient, nurse, janitor or doctor, he crossed all boundaries. It was really a breath of fresh air. I'm not sure what kind of childhood Al had, but I can only imagine it was a happy one. His family may not have had much money, but I'm willing to wager they had an abundance of love. What struck me most though, was that I hope if I ever get old like that, and even have no visitors like Al does, end up with just 3 words I remember, they are the same 3 words Al remembers, "I love you."

P.S. (After 3T's comment, I realized I didn't make it clear that Al & Patty aren't married or related.)

posted by jane at 3:04 PM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Just call him Mr. Maher

I had a boyfriend while in the mental hospital & his name was Mr. Maher. That's not really his name, but he looks like he could be Bill Maher's dad, so that's what I call him. I didn't notice him at first, he was one of three old men tucked away in the hallways, stuck in these reclining wheelchairs with trays on them. So, the nurses would settle them in there for the day, snap the tray on & there they'd stay until late at night; sometimes all night. There was no way to could get out of the chairs or manuever them.
Mr. Maher was a yeller. That's how he caught my eye. (or was it my ear?) I mean he SCREAMED! What he was screaming I wasn't sure, but nobody liked it. Nobody liked him either. After I found out why, I found it rather funny, but also sad.
My first night when I went to sleep Al, #2 man sleeping in the hallway chair kept making loud noises & waking me up. So, the next day my psych. gave me a sleeping pill. Didn't work. The following night I was sound asleep & there was an extremely loud yell, as I was awaken my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.I got up & walked up the hallway to Mr. Maher & asked him, "would you please not yell?" To which he said, "I just want to go to bed." I walked over to the nurses station & told them he'd like to go to bed. They said he'd fall out of bed, he had to stay in the chair. My heart just broke for the guy. I told him I was sorry but they wouldn't move him. It was evident, he wasn't mean, but actually had a very kind spirit.
The next day, in the t.v. room he said he had to go potty & wanted me to go get a nurse. Aha, here was my chance! I said okay, BUT...if I did, he couldn't scream in the rooms while Jan* or I were in there anymore. He agreed! I went & got him a nurse.
During my psych. session, I told him I couldn't sleep & he asked why I thought everybody else could, I said because they're all drugged out of their damn minds. He increased my sleeping pills greatly & after that I had no more sleeping interruptions.
I'd say hi to Mr. Maher & talk to him whenever I walked by. I must admit, for being an older man, say later 60s, early 70s, he had the cutest smile, it just lit up his face. I'd fix his socks or pull down his pant legs, put his blanket around his shoulders if he were cold. One time I put the blanket around him like a sheik & we both laughed. He didn't have any visitors.
At breakfast one time, he wanted his tray taken off his chair-tray, so I got up to take it off, but the nurse said he'd do it. I told the nurse he wanted to leave the dining area. They just left him there. Then I mentioned to Mr. Maher something about going outside & he said he'd like to go outside. (they NEVER take them outside) I told the nurse Mr. Maher wanted to go outside & could he if I went with him? He said okay. Out we went, and he called me his angel. I asked him if he wanted some black coffee & he smiled and said, "Oh yeah." I got him 1/2 a cup & he was in heaven.
I was asking him about his family, grandkids, etc. Don't know if any of it's true, but it doesn't matter. Then, I asked him why he yells so much, I mean it's SO loud! He says that's the only way he gets anything done. And you know what? He's right.

It made me so sad to think that these 3 men who are stuck in these wheelchairs day in, day out, must have worked all their lives for their families. Giving up their best years so their wife & kids could have food, shelter, medical insurance. And now, they're treated like they're just empty shells of nothing. Those mouths they fed & kids they loved, don't bother to come see them, they probably don't have time.

The nurses at that hospital didn't even know that Mr. Maher could talk until the day we went out for coffee. He left the following day, I was so sad to see him go. I asked if I could hug him good-bye. They said yes, but 'be careful'. I almost laughed. I gave my boyfriend a big hug & wished him the best. I'll never forget him.


*All names of patients are not the actual names.

posted by jane at 11:33 AM

A word of advice: Don't make friends in mental wards

I thought I was helping, I swear I did! A lady I'd met at the "Sequel to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" (no joke) was getting discharged but needed somewhere to go. She didn't want to go to a board & care, which is what her Dr. & Social Workers were suggesting. So, I made a few calls & was able to set up arrangements.

I arrived at the hospital around 3:30. It was rather eerie & I really didn't like walking back into that place, that just yesterday I felt they'd never let me out of. 2 of the Administrators called me in & asked if I was sure I wanted to get involved & did I really need the stress. Well, surely I wanted to help her. (wonder why Tarzan calls me Mother Theresa)
So, my friend & her walker, her 2 bags of belongings, had to weigh herself just cuz & go potty, we walked out the door & then she picked up her things that were in the safe. This could be a loooooooong story, but I won't let it, my brain will blow up.
We went by the house that was letting her stay there for 2 days, a beautiful house & it'd just be $30 a night. Then we had to go get some sheets, pillow, things like that from Target. But first we wanted to look at the house she'd be going to on Friday, didn't find it & I got lost. Then to her bank & just one particular branch which was FAR away. It's nearing 6pm and Trixi's dinner time, Tarzan won't be home until later as he's having dinner with his parents. My baby is home alone & I'm worried.
Target was a nightmare! Got Carla (not her real name) a wheelchair but she wanted one of those electric ones. Okay, she got one. We're back by the linens & the damn battery runs out. I'm looking at my watch & freaking out. She has no concept of time, my pets needs, MY needs and I'm starting to say FUCK more & more. We have to WAIT for them to bring back the wheelchair we originally started with.

The stories, oh the stories she told of espionage, conspiracy, you name it! It's kinda like driving to the beach with a friend & 1/2 way there you realize they've dropped 4 tabs of acid. YOU ARE SCREWED! Now I'm wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. There's no doubt in my mind she belongs in a board & care facility. I have to listen to this crap about her eating shit, (literally) sex with relatives, how her family controls all the psychiatrists, hospitals, board & cares, churches, etc. in this county,
She decides she doesn't want to stay at that ladies house because she's decided she's that woman is a lesbian. She's mentioned she thought this more than once. After numerous times, I've had enough & tell her I think that's pretty crappy of her. Here this kind woman was willing to take her in for 2 nights, get her a bed & nightstand & she's calling her a lesbian because she has short hair!

I notice that she, just like my crying roommate at the hospital tend to be very manipulative. The 'woe is me' stuff comes out as an avoidance mechanism. Anyways, she kept changing her mind over & over between where she wanted to go. I finally said I was taking her to a hotel out here where I knew the area, but she'd have to get a ride in the morning because I won't be home.

I get her settled in her hotel room, tell her don't open her door, remind her of some safety things and say I must go. As I'm leaving she says, "It's no wonder they tell us not to make friends with people we meet at the hospital." (thanks for telling me now!) I give her a hug good-bye and say, "Gee, wonder why."

(I realize I sound very callous here, but by this time, I know I've made a BIG mistake & honestly have no other option & I can't solve her problem for her. I did call the psych. ward when I got home & let them know where she was, which was when I learned she left AMA (Against Medical Advice). The bottom line is, I'm in no condition to help her. There are plenty of resources out there & she has all their cards & phone numbers. I really do care about her though, we just can't stay in touch.)

posted by jane at 12:06 AM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Thanks to All of You

I'm so overwhelmed by all of the comments & emails I've received. You're all such a unique & very genuine group of fantastic people. I was so worried that I couldn't get to the internet to let anybody know I was okay.
I've spent the last week in a hospital for depression. I needed to be there for my own safety. This place was like a sequel to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! I kinda feel like a zombie cuz they gave me such strong sleeping pills at bedtime. I asked for 1 cuz there were these old men who slept in the hallway & would YELL, more like SCREAM, in the middle of the night & scare the you-know-what out of me. So when I still couldn't sleep after getting the 1 sleeping pill, I told my psych. And he asked why everybody else could except me. I told him cuz everybody else was drugged outta their fucking minds! And it was true. So then he doubled my dosage. (I mean, they dare not put the men in BEDS, right?) But I still got woken up. Another psych added 1 more pill on top of that & that did the trick. Never had another interrupted night of sleep.
Everything is good with my kids & I. Tarzan was a good single dad for a week with Cheeta, she behaved very, very well. The issue w/my kids wasn't the only issue. But I'll write more in the next few days. I feel like I'm 1/2 zombie still from last night's meds. I didn't bring any home!
I must say, My heart has the hugest smile on it, so many people care. I'm extremely sorry to those of you I made worry. I had no idea I was going to the hospital on Weds., I thought I was just going to a psych. appt.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts, prayers & words.
Bless you all

Very Gratefully,
Jane

posted by jane at 9:28 PM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

8/9/5

this might be my last post for a while. my life is taking a downward spiral & fast. just goes down. sometimes it seems some of us aren't meant for this world, like our peace is somewhere else.
i fucked up. said something to my son i shouldnt have. my intentions were right but what i said, i can never take back & he'll never look at his mom the same. i meant it to help him understand. now things are just fucked up. i should have thought things out more but i didnt
he was worried cuz i was upset but i assured him i'm okay. i'm not. when the going gets tough, jane runs. but things look gloomy and the 2 people in life i love the most, my kids, won't ever see me the same again. i cant undo that. cant get past it and cant move on. i've ruined them.
this will probably screw up things with tarzan too but i'm thinking of that carole king song, way over younder. that song makes sense.
i'm not doing too good

posted by jane at 1:52 PM

I quit smoking on 12/3/03

With the death of Peter Jennings yesterday, I feel now is a good time for this post.

I started smoking when I was about 14, as with most kids, it was just for 'fun'. None of us thought, 30 years later, we'd actually need a drug called nicotine.
Although there were periods where I didn't smoke, sometimes a few years, I always went back.

California is not a smoker-friendly environment. You can't smoke at any malls, restaurants, bars, colleges, etc. Now they've even banned it at some parks & beaches. They tax you heavily on cigarettes here. Part of the taxes helps build & support childcare centers around the state & I think that's a good cause. I probably own one of those centers.
It's becoming more & more uncomfortable to smoke in California. Some say it's ridiculous. They can say whatever they want, but it helped save my life.

I began having nightmares that I couldn't breathe. I'd wake up gasping for air & as I lay there, I could think of no worse way than dying of emphysema.
What motivated me the most to quit smoking was Tarzan & my kids. Every time I went outside with 1 of them to smoke, I'd think to myself, "You're helping the man you love to die." Or, "You're helping your own children get cancer." While that was extreme, it was also true. I also realized that I wanted to be alive if my kids ever have children. And I don't just want to be alive for their birth, but for their life!

A close friend quit smoking, so when she did it, it inspired me. I started planning. I made myself become aware of the smells & inconveniences of smoking. Smoker's breath, yellowing teeth, odor on clothing, ashes, ashtrays, you name it! Having to sit outside in the freezing cold, or sweltering heat to smoke. I'd buy a less desirable brand of cigarettes, you know, the kind that taste like dirty ashtrays! Spending $100 a month killing myself.

I bought the nicotine patch & was actually looking forward to quitting. When the big day came, to my surprise, it wasn't as difficult as I'd thought it'd be. Day after day, I was doing it! Tarzan quit* on Jan. 1, 2004 ~ cold turkey!
The patches made me nauseous, so I actually lost weight. I also didn't need the patch as long as I thought I would. After about 6 months it felt so liberating to refer to ourselves as non-smokers.
Every month I allot myself the $100 to do with as I please. Tarzan saved his cigarette money & paid his truck off within a year.
We don't miss smoking, we don't crave it, I'm not tempted to have just 1 more cigarette.
Smoking is breathing death. I know, it's just ONE more time, that's all it takes. There's no going back this time.
If I could quit smoking, anybody can. If you smoke, please seriously consider quitting.


*Tarzan has since told me that he didn't think I would do it. So when he said he'd quit January, 1, 2004, he figured I would have started smoking again. But when I didn't, he had to quit too. :)

Technorati tags: peter jennings, cancer, cigarettes, nicotine, nicotine patch, emphysema

posted by jane at 12:49 AM

Monday, August 08, 2005

2 Updates & a 'is it true?'

FAMILY REUNION I went to my family reunion with Aunty & we stayed for about 2 hours. I saw some relatives I hadn't seen in over 20 years, so that part was nice. My immediate family was there, my mom, my kids, my 4 older siblings...including OB. I don't think I've mentioned him before & he's a BIG factor here. Prior to Saturday he hadn't RSVP'd. Had I known he was going to be there, there's a greater chance I wouldn't have gone.
OB is short for Osama Brother. He's 4 years old than me, has resented me since the day I was born & loves his religion so much he uses it to hate others. Thus, the osama name. He's disowned me for allowing his lesbian daughter to move in with me when he kicked her out at 18. Not because I let her stay with me, but because I let her talk & see her girlfriend. That is why he's disowned me. He uses a bible verse that says something like, If anybody hurts a child it's better they are thrown into the ocean with an anchor around their neck. That's the category he's put me in.
I'm a nervous wreck now. I'm analyzing everything I said, did, everybody breath I took. I want to hate him, but I can't. He's my brother & I still love him. I've tried to make amends to no avail. He's returned letters 'return to sender'. That type of thing. Right now I'm shaking like a leaf & have a headache brewing.
My counselor has said it's his problem, but some voice inside of me keeps saying it HAS to be something so innately evil wrong with me to cause someone so religious to hate me with such a passion.
This is the main reason why I avoid family things. Now I remember why. I wish I hadn't gone Saturday, there is nothing I gained by it. None of this, 'holding your head high' stuff. Just the after affect & anxiety, a headache & regret.

Lola wasn't released from the hospital Saturday. The soonest she can get out is this afternoon. I'm going to call her house in a bit & see if she's home yet. Please keep her in your thoughts & prayers.
UPDATE!! 8/9/5 LOLA GETS TO COME HOME TODAY! She did have a slight heart attack on Friday. Her oncologist said the chemo is working, but I think she still may need more treatments.

UPDATE RE: RAPE Jill admitted to her husband that she made up the rape story. She was transferred to another restaurant in a nearby city. Cavegirl has no communication with her whatsoever. Mike met with the restaurant manager last Friday & was fired. He got the reason in writing: physical assault of another employee. Mike is suing them. He & Cavegirl remain friendly terms but speak only on occasion.
As important as it is for a woman who is raped to be taken seriously, it's equally as important for a man who is falsely accused & whose livelihood is taken away to also have rights. He was fired without any hearing, arrest or the most basic of documentation. If he were my son, I would have advised him to do the same thing.

Is it true? Mamsbugspeaks has taco farts?

posted by jane at 4:34 PM

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Imma Hot Potato

I went swimming tonight for the first time since our camping trip. It was so relaxing, my mind wanders & I started thinking about how good it felt when I was exercising on a regular basis. This train of thought reminded me of my bellydancing routine with Neena & Venna, The Belly Twins. This trails to another thought.. (my brain trails like links to thoughts, does yours do this?) ...

One day, Oprah had a guest named Sheila Kelly on her show. Sheila has written a book called The S Factor that supposedly releases a woman's inner prowess that's just clawing to get out. MEOW
She also has videos & exercise studios that teach us average women (are you ready for this?) to strip and pole dance!
While on the show, Sheila was teaching a basic step, The S Walk. It's how strippers walk on stage. Ohh, you do it very slowly and the toe drags to the front while your hip slowly swivels around and your rearend goes out and follows. And then you repeat with the other foot, you know, put one foot in front of the other, like walking.
I practice this & although I still feel awkward, by the time Tarzan comes home, I'm prrrrrr'ing to go. "C'mere big Daddy, have I got a surprise for you!" And Tarzan's all like, "Ohh okay, hot mama."
He sits down in his big Daddio chair & I must say, I'm dressed to kill. Well, kinda. I'm not the teddie type of woman. Imagine Mrs. PotatoHead in a babydoll. Now add freckles.

So I've got a captive audience of one and here I go....I sloooowly drag my toe a little to the side and forward, and then my hip follows slowwwwly with my derriere bringing up the rear and I think I've got it, but wait...I sense something isn't right...as I feel a clash of the feet & before I know it I trip & fall flat on my face!


Technorati tags: belly dancing, pole dancing, sheila kelly, oprah, The S Factor, mrs potato head, lingerie

posted by jane at 10:23 PM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Bipolar Webring

I've formed a new webring on Ringsurf.com for blogs of individual's who are bipolar and/or their loved ones. There are no participation requirements as I believe living with it is quite sufficient.
In case you aren't familiar with webrings, imagine a band or rings linked together. If somebody wants to read blogs written about bipolar disorder, this is how they do it.
Webrings are a way to increase your blog traffic dramatically & expose your blog to more people with similar interests. It also serves as an avenue to help educate the public & increase their awareness mental illness; hopefully helping to remove the stigma.
If you're interested, please go to ringsurf.com & in the search box, type: bipolar. Look for bipolar planet & click 'join'. It's that easy!
If you'd like to check out webrings in general, click HERE. They have webrings for EVERYTHING under the sun.
Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

* Not accepted: No pornographic blogs. No hate blogs. No marketing blogs.


Technorati tags: ringsurf, webring, Ringsurf.com, bipolar,

posted by jane at 7:05 PM

Friday, August 05, 2005

Family Reunion

Tomorrow is our 1st family reunion. So far, 95 people have said they're going, but as you know, there may be more. My cousin Lola, whom I mentioned in my June 6 entry is having it at her home in Orange County.
This is the type of thing I don't like. I don't like crowds. I'm not sure if it's a bipolar thing or an addict thing or a Jane-stop-thinking-about-yourself thing, but I've been having bigtime anxiety over this.
I feels as though I'm going to be watched through a magnifying glass there. Everybody else has it all together, you know, the type that's had their 'style' since high school, while I'm still trying to discover my 'style'. I worry about what I'll say, analyze each word. What do I say if they ask if I'm working? I don't want to say I'm on Social Security for bipolar disorder. I don't work 'cuz I'm my pigs mom? I will take a camera, but I'll feel awkward taking pictures. Again, from the outside looking in. Or, is it the inside looking out?
I love my family & haven't seen my extended relatives in over 20 years. It's not that I don't want to see them. This is where I'm not normal. This is an addict thing, I think. Because this is why heroin worked for me, it relaxed me, made me just like everybody else. I can't have a drink. There is no ONE drink or ONE anything in my vocabulary. That much I know.
I've been going back & forth about going. Yes. No. Yes. No.

I went Thursday to help clean Lola's house because she's still going through chemo for her cancer. This is her 3rd bout with breast cancer. So I went over & vacuumed, dusted, mopped, etc. I forgot to hug her. She called later yesterday to see how my headache was, but I wasn't home. So she just left a message & at the end, she said, "I love you." First time she's ever said that to me.
I went shopping tonite to try & find 'stuff' earrings, shorts, you name it. Came home & Tarzan said my mom called & that Lola is in the hospital. Something about her heart & the blood tests aren't right so they're keeping her overnight. She still wants us to have the reunion.

As you may imagine, I broke down. Afterward, I called her at the hospital & she sounded wonderful & is hoping they'll let her out before the party's over. The anxiety, remember that? It's so irrelevant now. I'm picking up Lola's 84 year old mom & taking her to the party. Both Aunty & I aren't big party people so we may not stay long, but I am going. I don't even care what people think or if I say the wrong words or anything trivial like that.

I just want to hold my Aunty's hand & be there for her. Enjoy my relatives, enjoy the day. And if we're all perhaps the most blessed family on earth tomorrow, maybe, just maybe, Lola will walk through the door.

posted by jane at 10:41 PM

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Just call me the Bag Lady

It all started a few months ago when our Costco quit giving customers the option of plastic bags for their groceries. My 77 year old mom, who lives on the 3rd floor of her senior apartment complex, has to carry box after box from a parking lot up to her apartment. But this isn't just about my mom, it's about the many other elderly customers who shop at Costco & also the disabled. And heck, also those who live in apartments! What's so terribly wrong with plastic bags? Money! They cost money! The boxes are free because their bulk items are delivered in them.

So, on Tuesday I called Costco & spoke with the manager. He said when requested, bags are given. I told him my mom was on her way to Costco & I hope that when she asked for bags she'd be given them. She wasn't. She then had to ask for the manager as he told us to do. Then she was given bags.

I went to Costco 3 times today. First time I had about $200 worth of merchandise in my cart. I asked for plastic bags & was told they didn't have any. I went thru the 'I called & was told you had them upon request', the girl laughed and said, "we don't even make bags," I told her I didn't find it 1 bit funny as I'm disabled. I left my cart & walked away.

Trip #2 to a different Costco: I shop & ask for bags. I'm told they don't have them & so I explain I called, blah blah, they get me bags. I ask for the manager to come to the register, which she does. I explain that I'm infuriated because other people are still being misled to about bags & having to carry their bulk items in boxes. They don't know they have to be a ranting bitch to get plastic bags for their items! I told her I will contact ADA & AARP if this practice continues.The manager assures me customers will get plastic bags upon request.

Trip #3 to Costco: I'm sick of Costco, I really am. I'm meeting my son there & buying some items for my kids. So, while he doesn't need the plastic bags, I decide this is a good time to put the manager's promise to test. When I reach the cashier, I say I'm going to need plastic bags. The young gentleman smiles at me and says, "Oh, you're back." I must have turned beet red and I say, "You must have been bagger earlier?" Yes, yes he was. We both had a good laugh. The same manager walked up and politely handed him plastic bags for my items. I thanked them all.

Yes, I'm the bag lady.

posted by jane at 10:15 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Sometimes life is a headache

I've had an excruciating headache since Monday. I don't think its a migraine because the location has changed. On Monday afternoon, I called my neighbor to see if she had a pain pill, as long as it wasn't vicodin, she said she did. She brought me some medicine from Germany, but insisted on giving me a hug first. UGH. Okay, she hugged me. And she was very drunk. So she stayed in my doorway talking within 1 foot of my face with breath that can only be described as smelling like vomit.
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the medicine & her compassion. But I already felt like throwing up. Her ranting in my face with vomit breath about MoleMan wasn't helping. I finally said I had to lay down. The medicine didn't work but my headache got worse.

Demerol shots are the only thing that works for me. The local hospital doesn't administer Demerol in the E.R. department as it's addicting. So, it's a headache to go there as they're always trying to give me something new.
I've gotten migraines since I was 17. I've tried EVERYTHING, heard about the banana peel on the back of the neck, feverfew, imitrex, tylenol with codeine, you name it, it's been tested on this body. Been to a Neurologist & had an MRI & EKG on my brain. (they actually found a brain in there!) I take daily preventative migraine medicine & medicine for when I get a migraine, but when those don't work & I can't handle it, I go to the E.R.
Last night was so bad though, but I couldn't go there. I just couldn't handle their B.S.

To give you an idea how I've been feeling, I haven't showered since Sunday. Today I showered & went to the doctor's & saw the Nurse Practitioner. Within 1 minute she's pushing some new migraine drug on me, I start crying & say I don't necessarily want more drugs. (I'm already on about 8 or so) We both think it may be caused by my fall during my camping trip. Tomorrow I'm calling the Chiropractor who managed to get rid of my headaches a few years back.

I've been ranting & bitching....I feel so guilty for even mentioning this when I look at little Kaitlyn's picture. I am so fortunate to still be alive. It's not that I'm not grateful. Right now, I'm just miserable.
I haven't been making my visits & reading the blogs on my list as I normally do & I feel neglectful. somehow things don't seem so bad when I share them with other blogoholics. Maybe this will help.

posted by jane at 12:16 PM

Monday, August 01, 2005

Remembering Kaitlyn

For the past few years I've seen purple ribbons tied on trees & have wondered what they were for. Now I know. August is Purple Ribbon Month. The ribbons are purple because it's February's birthstone, the month Kaitlyn Marie Russell was born.Purple Ribbon Month got it's beginning by an extremely tragic & preventable event.

One August morning, her babysitter drove with Kaitlyn to visit a friend. After visiting for hours, the sitter realized she'd left the baby in the car. The temperature in Riverside County, California reached 100 on that day. Literally trapped in her carseat, the baby's body temperature reached 107 degrees. Precious 6 month old Kaitlyn died needlessly on August 15, 2000.

It's very sobering to see the family's van around town with her adorable picture on the back & the 4rkidssake.org stickers. The intent of 4 R Kids Sake is to raise public awareness about the dangers of leaving children unattended in vehicles. It only takes minutes for the heat inside a car to reach 120. When our body's heat reaches 104, heat stroke can occur. At 107 degrees cells begin to die, organs shut down & death occurs. Every single one of these deaths is preventable.

In 2002 Kaitlyn's Law went into effect. The law makes it illegal to leave a child unattended in a vehicle. A misdemeanor conviction brings a $100 fine & so far, 312 people have been convicted. In 2003, 42 children died from hyperthermia, due to being left in vehicles. The number dropped to 35 in 2004. So far this year, there have been 17 deaths.

What can and has happened to children
left in and around vehicles:
Death or injury from:

Back-overs
Car fires
Carbon monoxide poisoning
Car theft with child inside
Hyperthermia (heat stroke)
Hypothermia (cold)
Injuries caused by power windows and sunroofs
Kidnapping
Vehicle in Motion

Injuries and deaths have also occurred to children who have become trapped inside of a car or trunk after gaining access to an unlocked vehicle or finding the car keys. Always keep car doors locked, even when the car is inside the garage, and place the keys in a location where children cannot reach them.
(the above was taken directly from 4Rkidssake.org website)

Please don't leave any child unattended in your vehicle even for a few minutes. If you see an unattended child, please call the authorities immediately; you may be saving a life.

For more information, to donate or volunteer, please visit: www.4rkidssake.org/

Technorati tags: www.4rkidssake.org,
kaitlyn/'s law,hyperthermia,

posted by jane at 10:58 PM