Thursday, June 30, 2005

A L I V E!

To be "comfortable in your own skin" is a phrase commonly used. I've heard people use it in many situations. One may be like a drug addict saying it, or an anorexic using the phrase, maybe a surgery patient, you get the picture.
Right now I'm physically feeling uncomfortable in my own skin & I'm not sure why. As I mentioned before, this has been sort of a tough few days, but I just trudge forth because I know when I wake up, it's a new day. Plus, I've lived through much tougher times.
I remember about 3 months after I'd kicked heroin & was still in rehab, I woke up & I felt as though I'd been in a motorcycle accident & had been hit by a truck. I was lying on the asphalt & could feel the heat rising against my broken bones. My body ached & was bleeding, but there was nothing I could do. Metaphorically, that's where I was that day. And you know what? There were probably 12 other women there who felt just like I did but we all had chores to do & studies to do, etc. and life just had to go on.
I know quite a few people who have gotten off life's merry-go-round by choice & I wish I could ask them, "Was it worth it?", "Are you glad you did?" I don't judge them. Because I know for some, life's burdens are just too much to bear.
Sometimes it can be something so small or silly that makes me appreciate life all the more. It may be the intense color of a flower I've never noticed before. Or a beautiful laugh of a baby taking its first steps & wobbles. And in my mind, I take pictures of those things & put them in my memory for those days when my skin feels like its crawling. For days when I just don't want to be anymore. And then I think of how glorious that flower was in the sunshine & that I was the only person at that place & time to share that. And suddenly, I feel silly, but fortunate.
I've learned not to strive for the big mansion or the nicest cars or big diamond rings. When the phone rings & its my kids just calling to say, "Hi, Mom", or Cheeta becomes overwhelmed by the jacaranda scent & starts to roll in the grass, well suddenly I forget that I even felt uncomfortable in my skin.
All I know is that my heart's happy once again & I'm so grateful to be alive!

posted by jane at 11:43 PM

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

6/29/5

Kids, dinners readyyyy

I developed my culinary skills late in life. REAL late. And if anybody tells you that you can't burn water, they're lying! I've also burn a big black hole right thru a hot dog in the microwave. I accidentally cooked it for 4 minutes (I think) instead of 40 seconds. Or maybe it was 8 minutes. I forget. Anyways, it caused the smoke alarm to go off. The smoke alarm used to go off at my old place so often we'd just keep the broom nearby to knock it off.
Anyways, I tried to sound all 'mother knows best' like Jane Wyatt and melodically sing 'Dinners Ready', and before I'd turn around, I'd hear a rustle in my purse, running footsteps & the screen door slam. I was suddenly ALONE & there was silence. And oddly enough, I understood. I didnt want to eat my cooking either.
And then there was the dreaded St. Patricks morning green pancakes & eggs. At least Cavegirl & Caveboy choked those down with smiles for me. :) It was no wonder I'd always have to call the plumber the next day. We were on a very fixed income & I tried to feed them as healthy as possible. Problem was, it just didn't taste good. I can tell you of 2 very happy children who were ecstatic when the free breakfast program was introduced at their elementary school. I was happy too; it hurt less. And this way, I knew they were at least eating something.
Since my kids have grown & I've been with Tarzan, he's suffered thru the hard times & allowed me to experiment with recipes. Another good thing is that he likes raw potatoes. So when I've made mistakes & they weren't quite cooked, they were just to his liking. YESSS!
I even have a menu system, subscribe to a couple of magazines, plan my meals 2 weeks in advance & buy my groceries every 2 weeks also. (except for fresh produce, things like that)
OH-MY-GOSH but dont EVER cook gourd. They're those kind of bumpy colorful ornamental squash fruits they sell around Thanksgiving. UGH. That would have to fall into the "worst thing I ever cooked" category. It tasted like metal & you have to wash your hands & lips really, really thoroughly to get rid of the taste. I cooked an entire dinner with it & had to throw out the whole thing. BEWARE OF GOURDS! (Before I knew what caused this horrendous taste, I had Tarzan taste it, poor poor Tarzan, he ate it too) :(
And now when my kids come over for a meal(they're adults now), they'll even eat what I cook! (they don't know about the gourd fiasco shhh) Best of all, we're all eating healthier & able to keep it down.

But who is eating the best in our home? Cheeta! She's a vegan for starters! If we all ate like her we'd be in good shape! She gets her piggy food, 1/2 a cucumber, broccoli, and some steamed veggies. For snacks she gets grapes, apples and cardboard tasting cereal puffs that are really for humans. (sometimes even she wont eat those)

If anybody wants original taco recipes (my grandma's from mexico) or cheater cheese enchiladas recipe let me know. Or maybe I'll just write about it next time I have a sucky day like this one. (or taco salad too!)

There's a reason I'm writing about this rather neutral subject. The past 2 days have been really rough for me emotionally. I don't want to be fake, but I also don't want my blog to be a downer. Its hard for me to write about anything at all when I'm down, so this was all I could get up to write about. I dont have the energy for anything more at the time. I will find a way* to express myself without dragging others thru the sludge. (does that make sense?) I hope so.

**It's official, on my down days or too high days, I'm going to write a recipe.

peace

posted by jane at 11:28 PM

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Testical Festival

www.testyfesty.com


Once in a blue moon, an opportunity comes along to spread some good news. So it is with The 22nd Annual Testical Festival this September 15-19 in Clinton, Montana.
They're servin' Rocky Mountain Oysters & Bull Snort Brew up there darlin'!
Curious as I was, I called & spoke with the owner, Rod. He was rough around the edges, funny, friendly & very informative! Below are my questions & his answers.

1) How long have people been eating bull balls?
They've been eating 'em for over 100 years.

2) Are they served in pairs?
NO!(he laughs) EACH ball is the size of a cantaloupe or a volleyball! (he's still laughing!) They're served in 4 or 8 oz filets.

3) How are they prepared?
We quadruple dip 'em in a secret wet batter & then deep fry them. They're served with a ball bustin' hot sauce with jabanero. You can have them with fries, baked potato, eggs, anything you'd like. We're a full service restaurant.

4) What do they taste like?
Some people say they taste like chicken. But to me they taste like BALLS! (How does he knows what balls taste like? I didnt ask.)

5) How much do you serve at each Testical Festival?
Last year, we served over 5,400 pounds of testicals.

6) Do people eat them year round?
Yes. In this neck of the woods they're known as cowboy caviar & my lodge serves them year round.

As we concluded our conversation, I was kinda wishing I could go up to the Rock Creek Lodge, not to eat rocky mountain oysters, but just to visit. Rod is a very personable fellow. We said our goodbyes & I asked his permission to use mention their website, lodge & use their logo on my blog, he said, "Sure & mention that you spoke to the "Baron of Balls"." Then he snorted & our call ended. Well, folks, I spoke to the "Baron of Balls" at the Rock Creek Lodge & I feel quite honored. *snort*

Question: Would you eat bull balls? If yes, would you like some bull bustin sauce with jabanero on the side?

posted by jane at 12:47 PM

Monday, June 27, 2005

"Dad, why isn't the water chocolate?"

It was the summer 1964 & I was 5 years old. We all sat in the idling station wagon, my older siblings & I. It went boy (16), girl (15), boy(13), demon-boy (9) and then there was myself. We were taking the boat & going to Puddingstone Lake for the day. I HATED the boat! I was always afraid it was going to tip over. And once you were out in the water, you were stuck. So, I plain didnt want to go!
The 7 of us sat in the driveway ready to go, I of course was crying, when my always-one-step-ahead Dad turned around & said, "Jane, I hoped you brought a BIG spoon because you do know what Puddingstone Lake is made of, right?" I sniffled back, "No?" To which my Dad replied, "Why it's made of chocolate pudding, Jane!" Oh goodness, it was like the night before Christmas!! I jumped out the station wagon, I could feel the sunlight shine on my freckled face as I ran thru the backyard & quickly dashed into the kitchen. On that particular day, there just weren't any spoons big enough! It was with my big sister's help, we found the BIGGEST spoon we could. Grinning ear to ear as I skipped back to the car and I gladly got back into the station wagon. I sat as happy as a clam the entire ride to Puddingstone Lake.
Suffice it to say, it is an understatement to say that I CRIED when we reached the blue waters of Puddingstone.
It was a long day.

posted by jane at 5:16 PM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

B-I-P-O-L-A-R

I feel the need to clarify something here. I mention in my profile & also in some entries that I'm bipolar. In no way do I mean to use bipolar disorder as a crutch or for sympathy. In the same breath, it encompasses me. I think it is fair to say, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I'm not 'lost' in it. But so many of my characteristics are due to being bipolar: sensitivity, artistic, humor, and so on.
As funny as this may sound, in manic depression, I found sanity. Imagine that while on the outside everything seems normal, but inside, your mind & feelings, you feel crazy. As time goes on that becomes more than just a feeling and you KNOW you've gone crazy. But you can't tell anybody because they'll take your kids away & put you in an institution & throw the key away. Right?
Medications failed, doctors failed and suddenly one particular doctor took the TIME to ask the right questions & properly diagnose me. I was SANE! I had a disorder and it had a NAME! It was bipolar disorder & millions of other people have it too. People like: Patty Duke, Robert Downey, Jr., Virginia Woolf (lalala lalala lala), Axl Rose, Rosemary Clooney, Marriette Hartley, Linda Hamilton, Sting, Larry Flynt, Dick Cavett, Ben Stiller, Connie Francis & many, many more.
Statistics show that 20% of people with bipolar disorder commit suicide. THAT is the reason I talk, laugh, cry, LIVE about it. That is also why I talk about addiction. Alcoholism/addiction is VERY common with bipolar disorder. It's called self-medicating & it truly is just that.
I'm such a fortunate soul to be blessed with a diagnosis, medication, sobriety, all my body parts, legally I'm sane (I think! HA!) but most of all.....my L-I-F-E!
So please don't think I'm trying to gain anything by sharing everything I can about this disorder.
If by chance 1 person who feels hopeless reads this, or a family member of someone afflicted reads this & smiles or finds hope, then my day was filled with purpose.
20% suicide rate is just too much & If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I want to know that I did reach out to educate others about manic depression.
I know this was a very long post. If you finished it, thank you for taking the time.

peace

posted by jane at 10:59 PM

Who farted?

Beano anyone?

When I was about 15, I took my very best friend, Susie, up to Big Bear Mountain with my family for the weekend. While we were up there, we went to an arcade in town. And while at the arcade we were talking with this cute boy. Well, I'm not sure what I'd eaten, but let's just say my stomache was somewhat gassy. A few minutes later, I walked away to go play some arcade games.
A little while passed & then Susie walked up to me & said, "Man, that guy had the worst farts."
I couldn't help myself but bust up laughing. I had to confess to her that it was me, not him, that had dropped the SBD'er. It was at that time Susie realized he must have thought it was her that farted.

It's been more than 31 years & we're still best friends :)

posted by jane at 12:27 AM

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

To Roe

for Roe
Posted by Hello

June 20th would have been my friends 61st birthday. She died on Sept. 29, 2004 of brain cancer. She'd only been diagnosed with it in August. I'd known her since October 2001 & we'd never met her in person, just online. She had a profound impact on my life. I can honestly say its because of her that I have many of my strengths that I have today.
She was a very opinionated italian, catholic from Brooklyn, NY & loved to debate. She'd argue with someone & all the time be laughing while their blood boiled. I'm more the blood boiling type, so I don't like debating or arguing for sport. But we were good friends despite the fact that we disagreed on most everything: religion & politics, just to name a few.
What I learned from Roe was never to comprimise myself. That nobody or nothing is worth being untrue to myself. She had this quote that I never understood until after she'd died. It was: "If We take people as we find them, We make them worse, but if We treat them as though they are what they should be, We help them to become what they are capable of becoming."I never quite understood what that meant. Then 1 day it all made sense! I understood what she'd been trying to show me. I never understood why she liked me, what she saw in me. She'd always told me, "You can trust me." I'd been so leery & untrusting, so suspicious. Yet, she was so trustworthy. And you know, she was right, I could always have trusted her. And because she treated me as though I was what I should be, I'm closer to becoming that.
The most amazing thing I learned about her though, was that I wasn't the only person that she applied that quote to. There was a large group of us that belonged to a particular chat room & she'd been emailing so many others. Believing that they could be what they should be. Not that she didn't accept them, but that she knew they'd "settled" for so much less than.
I miss her so tremendously. She was diagnosed & had surgery then got worse so quickly, there was no goodbye. That must've been how it was supposed to be. I don't think anything in life happens by accident. To have been blessed by the presence of such a profound person in my life is such an honor, I am truly humbled to tears.
I miss you Roe

posted by jane at 4:38 PM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

6/21/5

I'm not proud of the solution I've stooped to, but at the same time, its the only solution that's doable right now. So, my family has been told to call & let my phone ring once, hang up & call back. Thats the only way I'm answering my phone up.
Tarzan said last night my drunk neighbor did a sort of pouty thing after I didnt pick up the phone when she called. She saw him outside with Cheeta & made a point to close slam the doors & windows shut, then turn off all the lights, as to 'punish' me. Then she left a message saying, "All my doors are locked & unless he breaks the door down, he can't get in. Thanks for your concern." In a very slurred voice. Today, no phone calls from her & didn't hear a peep.
I'm hoping that when she does finally come & talk (and I know she will) I will have the guts to say, "I will talk with you about anything EXCEPT for this relationship." I should have added in my previous post that I'm pretty sure she told Moleman things I'd said about him. Things, mind you, I said ONLY when I saw her black eye & bruised arm he gave her! So when he glared at me last week I found it pecuilar being that I've only said hi to him once. I put 2 and 2 together & as a result, I am not going to allow her to put me in the middle again. I know the things she's said about him when she comes over here. I am slow, but eventually I catch on.
So remember, when you call: let the phone ring once. hang up. call back. :)

back to the cave i go

posted by jane at 11:42 PM

I decline to state my party

I never knew I could decline to state my political party until I went to change my political party. Obviously, I'm not going to say what I was changing from. Nothing in my beliefs have changed. The only thing thats changed is I've smarted up! I don't want those damn phone calls from politicians or their cronies & I don't want people guesstimating what I'm going to vote.
I'd thought of going Independent, but O'Reilly is Independent & I don't like him. He's an Independent asshole. Then I'd thought of going Liberaterian, but I don't go to the library often, so that was a NO.
It was then I stumbled upon 'I decline to state my political party' and I just thought, oh this is way too cool! So, that is exactly what I checked. Since then, it's actually taken some getting used to, this being without a label. I feel as though I can take a more objective look now, being that I don't feel an allegiance to either party. (btw, why do we only have 2 major parties in America? aren't we supposed to be the most evolved nation? HA! go figure!)
Politicians & political parties sicken me. I find it so hypocritical that our politicians are over in the middle east telling other countries to involve women when its hardly been since 1920 that we've allowed women to vote. We've barely had women in politics PERIOD. We've never had a woman president! Should we REALLY be telling any other country how to treat THEIR women? I think not!
A few more facts:
In our constitution, a male slave's vote counted as 2/5 of a white man's vote
American Indians were allowed to vote in 1924
Blacks were allowed to vote* in 1965 (non-slaves & their votes counted as a whole)

posted by jane at 1:50 PM

Monday, June 20, 2005

Any suggestions?

What do you do when someone involves you in their harmful relationship? My neighbor called a bit ago, drunk, again. She kicked her boyfriend out, again. He's already hit her once & weighs at least 2 times what she does. But despite the black eye & bruises on her arm, she went back with him. It was at that time I decided to back away.
I don't feel bad for her. I'm sorry but I dont. She's a smart woman & I just don't get why she'd even go back with him. And I REALLY hate talking to drunks when they're drunk. That is a huge pet peeve of mine. I just won't waste my time.
But what do I say to her? She is a nice person with a good heart & isn't a victim. In all honesty, I hold her 50% responsible for this mess. Still though, I'm at a loss as what I should say.
The bottom line is, I don't want to hear her whine about him now. I know she's going to go back with him. I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! I don't want to be part of this dysfunctional cycle & I want to REFUSE to be. Do I come right out & say that? If so, do I have to say it kindly? Or just be blunt?
In 1985 I left my then-husband because of drugs, I knew that I didn't want our kids raised in that type of environment. And I knew that on my own, I'd hit bottom faster than if I stayed with my husband. And I did. At the time, that was the only way I knew to make a better future for my kids. Fortunately, it worked. Perhaps that has something to do with my passionate feelings about this. But then, maybe not.
Does anybody have any suggestions?

posted by jane at 8:58 PM

Sunday, June 19, 2005

6/19/5

Tarzan should be home any minute!! I'm sooo excited! Just bathed & shaved. I hadn't shaved since he'd left. I mean, why should I? (Yes Doris, not anywhere) Now my bodily hair is of 1 accord again. Well, kinda. I went 2 days without bathing. Not in a row. But I did it just because. Afterall, I'm living in a cave with a PIG for goodness sakes!
And yesterday I must admit, I ate like a pig. Literally. I wont confess what I ate all day long. But for dinner I had Mc Donald's Big Mac combo & then I foolishly bought a container of Ben & Jerry's Marsh Marsh Mallow ice cream. I can honestly say I've tasted sinfully good ice cream now. OMG! It's chocolate ice cream with fudge drops, delicious marshmallow & graham cracker swirls. I almost ate it all (I told you I ate like a pig!) and was going to save it, then remembered I'm a diabetic!! So I threw the rest down the disposal.
When Tarzan comes home he'll be all scruffy & hopefully smelling like fish. I love that! It reminds me of my Dad. When I was little, I'd always go fishing with my Dad at Big Bear Lake. The first time Tarzan came home from a caveman trip, I just lay with him & cried, thinking of my Dad & how much I miss him. Isn't it funny how a smell so many find disgusting can come to represent something so endearing.

posted by jane at 1:33 PM

Saturday, June 18, 2005

6/18/5

I talk a lot. I mean LOTS. In all honesty, I talk too much! When I was little, my family offered me $5 to be silent for 5 minutes. Do you have any idea how much $5 was in 1963???? I couldn't do it. Advance 5 years. 2 'friends' of mine tell me we're only allotted 1,000 words in a lifetime so I'd better stop talking. You know what? I did. Well, for a little bit.
My mouth is tired now. Not from what you're thinking. It's tired from NOT talking. Tarzan isn't here. I've no one to talk to. It's not like I can just call people & talk about nothing. So, now I've come to the realization of why men just nod their heads like bobbleheads & say, 'yes, honey' as we ramble on & on. And I don't think I'll ever again (don't hold me to this) complain cuz Tarzan isn't paying attention to what I'm saying.
But without him here to talk to, I've got no one! Cheeta is either sleeping or eating. I talk to her but she won't as much as bobble her head.
I miss Tarzan, my bobblehead.

Remember that song, You Talk Too Much? You talk too much you worry me to death, lalalala lala lala lala. well, that's my song. Indeedio!

posted by jane at 5:16 PM

Books

I have a difficult time falling asleep at night without Tarzan by my side. I'd sleep on the floor with Cheeta, but she'd either eat me or take that as her cue to think my side of the bed was hers! So, I've been reading more. I read the newspaper daily. After reading that, I read books. I have 2 books I'm constantly reading, 1 is spiritual, the other health. The spiritual one is SCIENCE OF THE SOUL (or something like that). The health book is a rather new book called YOU,THE OWNER MANUAL
I've finished (somewhat) THE SEWING CIRCLES OF HERAT & was disappointed with it. I was very interested in it, especially when I finally got to where she got to the sewing circles part. But then she so quickly left that part & went on to other parts of Afghanistan, she lost me & as harda as I tried, keeping my attention was a lost cause. Sadly, I cannot recommend this book.
A book I found interesting was 1 I bought on sale called, INTO THE WILD. It was about a young climber who went into the Alaska wilderness & died there. The author is the same one who wrote UNDER THE BANNER OF HEAVEN (I think thats the name). As you can tell, I'm in too lazy a mood to look the definite names up. INTO THE WILD is a good book though.
KING OF CONSis 1 of the biggest wastes of money I can think of! I did finish this book, ONLY because it was a gift from Tarzans parents for christmas. I dearly love them & let his mom read it after I was done. She agreed & said the author was lacking of any moral fiber. Dont waste your money on that one.
While I'm on horrible books, I'll add ANIMALS ARE SOUL TOO. This book is more of a gateway book to what I consider a cult. The stories are mythical. I never intentionally read fiction. NEVER! I get so mad when I think I actually BOUGHT this book, it will probably be the only book I ever throw out. I have such a problem with throwing out books I have yet to do it, but probably will.
1 of the best books I've read recently was SLAVE. This is 1 of the few I can recall that I literally could not put down. It was a 1 nighter. I finished it the same day I bought it. Stayed up until 3am reading it. Absolutely amazing that ths took place in the present century & still takes place as I'm writing this. I highly recommend this book.
A great coffee table book is LAST SUPPERS. It literally discusses last suppers of many prisoners executed & other interesting details about them.
FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT was a really cute autobiography that I read & highly recommend. The author has a good sense of humor & great writing skills.
HONOR LOST is another good book. It's about honor killings in Jordan, which are very prevelant today. A confusing aspect of this book is why the author's friend engaged in the behavior she did knowing what the consequences were.
CANNIBAL despite its name isn't as greusome as it sounds. Yes, the guy eats the dead guy. But the dead guy actually offers himself up to be eaten. They meet on the internet. And the cannibal doesnt get life cuz the victim wasn't really 100% a victim. Easy & fast reading.
So now I'm trying to read 2 books: HOBO & POISONED VOWS. Will post if I'm able to finish either & what I think of them.
I like biographies,/autobiographies, not really historical books. Do you have any non-fiction books you'd like to recommend?

posted by jane at 2:09 PM

Drugs

My first visit the the psychiatrist was when I was about 17 years old. My dad had been seeing him forever & I was either depressed or suicidal, so he made me an appointment. After my visit the psych had me lay on some table & I got this shot in my arm. It was the coolest thing in the world. Even now I get a rush of sorts just thinking about it.
It wasn't many years after that I was shooting up myself. By now, I'd tried LSD, angel dust, cocaine, reds, whites, pot, mescalline, cannibanal (sp), paint and of course, alcohol. But nothing fixed me like heroin. Looking back though, heroin just made me feel normal. And that had always been what I was looking for, just to feel normal. There was this feeling I'd get after I'd shoot up, it was in the back of my head, almost like shifting gears. It was like downshifting into mellow. The only other time I've had that exact feeling is when I've taken vicodin (which I no longer take).
I always worked when I was using. Nobody knew, even when I'd get a new connection they'd want to see my tracks before they'd sell to me. I think I was self-medicating though & that's why I'm writing about this. My drug use is something I don't like discussing, its like another lifetime & in a sense, my mind has to go back there in order to remember everything. I dont like the place I have to go to retrieve these thoughts.
But there is a purpose to my madness. I've heard many times that bipolar people self-medicate with alcohol or drugs & I think thats why i settled with heroin. What reminded me of this was the other day, I was reading blogs & I read this blog of a bipolar girls & she's on meth or something. But she's bragging about it & all her partying. So it's no doubt she's self-medicating.
What confused me was I'm not familiar with bp's self-medicating with stimulants as opposed to depressants. But I guess that would make sense if she were depressed & didnt want to be. The scary part was that she has children & still found glee in her carelessness. I wasn't so much scared for her but pissed off at her. Anyways, she hasn't written since February or April & I just hope she's still alive. Hopefully doing better & sane.
I've been off heroin since 1986. I'm now on: prozac, neurontin, gloucophage, insulin, nortryptyline, amidrine, topamax & altace! All are legal & non-narcotic.

posted by jane at 1:13 PM

Friday, June 17, 2005

Is it just me?

Am I the only one who wonders about the genitalia & bowel movements of giant people? I'm speaking of really, really BIG people. Particularly of Shaq & Yao Ming. Both are over 7 feet & I have wondered, but not obsessively (hoping not) like how big are their toilets? I mean, how tall? Shaq wears size 24 shoes. Wouldn't that mean a 10 inch penis would be a disappointment? So like what is it? Like 24 inches? And Yao? He's taller than Shaq, but skinnier. I dont know what size shoes he wears or how big his hands are. But......I cant be the only person that is curious about this. I may be having a bipolar moment here, but I dont think so. I've never even heard a hint about any of this on the Enquirer or the Globe.
And bowel movements. I've read they're supposed to be of toothpaste consistency, banana length & shape & should enter the water like Greg Louganis diving in Acapulco. But how big is the banana for someone over 7 feet tall?
I'm just curious.

posted by jane at 5:12 PM

Please read

If you read this, would you please post a comment to 2 questions?

1) How did you learn about my blog?

2) On a scale of 1-@ to 5-@@@@@ (5 being the best) what would you rate mine?

Thank you!!

Please feel free to leave any other comments you'd like

ps........if you'd like to cross-link each others blogs, just let me know & I will. :)

jane

posted by jane at 2:37 PM

Thursday, June 16, 2005

EARTHQUAKE 4.9 YUCAIPA

WHOAAAA
That was a pretty big shaker. Rolling, not jolting. Having lived in California my entire life, this was the 2nd biggest one I've ever felt. The last 1 I felt was a jolt though, not like this.
Having a cave above ours isn't the most secure feeling. Standing under a doorframe isn't exactly going to save us.
I called my mom & kids to make sure they're okay & all are okay. Animals are supposed to have a 6th instinct about earth movings. Funny thing is though, neither Cheeta nor my kids puppies had any inkling. BUT guess who did? The Silver Fox! Fast Eddie! Who is that? My mom's boyfriend! This is the 2nd time he's known & said, "Here it comes." My mom is now declaring him part dog! HA!
More on how the Silver Fox came about his 2 nicknames but let me tell you, its not just earthquakes that are rockin California. Senior citizens haven't yet heard they were supposed to stop rockin n rollin years ago!
Anyways, I've asked mom to have Fast Eddie put me on speed-dial for the next one. I'm still shook up & have found out it's about 30 miles or so from where I live. And I'm about 30 miles closer than newscasters in LA.
What a time for Tarzan to be gone. :(

UPDATE: I've been watching the 'current earthquake' screen @ kfwb.com & I cannot believe how many earthquakes there have been since 2pm today. More amazing are the maps you can bring up by clicking on various links. For each earthquake there is a 'map' link & you can see the entire area, size & how many e.q.s according to the legend provided.
I've known that california is constantly moving. But recently these somewhat significant quakes have captured my interest. Do I have an e.q. kit? NOPE! Wish I did? YEP!
Remembering when I was going to put together kits & give them as xmas gifts til a relative said it was a dumb idea. How I could kick her AND myself right now! Hopefully, the closeness of these quakes is coincidental only.
Wouldn't mind living on an island though. ;)

posted by jane at 2:09 PM

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

insomnia

I cant sleep. I'm analyzing everything about me. Worrying. Stressing out. My eyes are tired but not my body. My head hurts. And I started reading about something I knew I shouldn't.
I want to cuss & kick & scream. But you know what? Nobody is here to hear me. Or hold me.
And I'm so worried about my prescriptions, comes January 2006, I just want my life to end. I hate when I get like this.
It's the kind of thinking right now that I feel this is a curse of some sort. Like I'm being paid back for something. And while I've punished myself as much as I possibly can (and more), I still feel guilty.
Its the world against me. THEM against me. Though I know that isnt really how it is, that is how my minds eye sees it right now.
This is what scared me about Tarzan leaving. I'm not too confident in myself right now & wish I could call somebody. But it's midnight here & I dont want to wake or alarm anyone & I really have nothing to say.
And I know that I'm posting too much on my blog, another thing I was analyzing earlier, but I just dont care. And if I'm going to write this, I'm going to write it for ME. I have to.
I know tomorrow, in the light, the sun shining & this dread gone with the night, I'm going to want to delete this entry. This is the scary stuff. If I leave this entry, then my turmoil is just a click away. Literally.
It would be brave of me to leave it & just know its there. I so don't want to be like this. But at the same time, this is the only me I know.

posted by jane at 11:58 PM

Cheeta thinks she owns me

Woke up this morning and instead of Tarzan in bed with me, I had a headache. The one that stayed over from last night. MIGRAINE! So I took 2 Amidrine & my headache is finally gone.

I'm glad I've survived night #1, no thanks to Cheeta! She tried to kill me last night! I swear she did! First, she took a swipe at my hand & when I didnt move it fast enough, 1 of her teeth (the razor sharp one) clamped down on my thumbnail. You know, right where it starts to meet the skin. Yeah, effing THERE! A short time later, assuming I'm now her bitch, she tagged my toe. Tagging is just what it sounds like but its done more with her nose than her mouth. It's kinda like she's saying, "I tagged you, whatcha gonna do about it?????" Well, I got down in my Tarzan stance & told her to BRING IT AWWWNNNN!
I am JANE, remember??? Her tail between her legs, she scooted her cutest little butt outside until she knew I was no longer considering her for dinner!
Today however, she's sweet as can be. It's the herd thing again. It's just me & her. So last night was her attempt to move it awwnnn up! Imagine? If I were her bitch (me & Tarzan did discuss this before he left) I'd be locked in my room, or bathroom until Sunday. She has this little strut she does when Tarzan takes her for walks & I know she'd be doing that strut until he came home.
Well, aside from Cheeta, my neighbor brought us over 2 pieces of homemade boston creme pie. Problem is, right now there is no 'us'. So, in essence she brought me 2 pieces. I haven't said so yet, so I will here: When Tarzan is gone, I like to eat. So last night after a pseudo dinner (guacamole & chips) I ate 1 piece. And when I was done I was doing some self-talk & finally convinced myself that I should eat that other piece right then & there. So I did. I'd forgotten about the, "I feel so fat & bloated I want to throw up" part of eating both pieces. The thought of throwing up just grosses me out though. CHUNKS.
This morning I saw my neighbor & thanked her for the cake but said, "I'm going to have the other piece today." Okay, I lied. She's really skinny & I've heard her talk about how disgusting she finds her boyfriend's, I call him Moleman, eating habits. And being that my curves show when I'm standing sideways, not facing, I did make a conscious decision to lie to her. So what?
She lied about how to clean this glass Pyrex dish she borrowed from me. She returned it cleaner than I'd bought it & when I asked her how she said she just washed it. So...ahem....was she saying I don't wash my dishes? I discussed this with Tarzan before he left & I he said to give her my other Pyrex dish & ask her to wash that too. So I did. :)

posted by jane at 2:06 PM

A good MJ website

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html << The history of Michael Jackson's face

posted by jane at 11:30 AM

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A parking space to die for

My mom recently moved into a senior's apartment complex, not assisted living, just senior apartments. Parking lots are scarce & the good ones cost $25 a month. Well, mom spotted a vacant one & hoping the woman had died (GASP) thus leaving an empty space went into the office to inquire. Without even checking, the office manager told her to park in that space & see if the owner returned. (from the dead?) Well, when I went to visit mom today, there was another car in her space. So tonite when I called her I mentioned this and my mother sighed sadly & said, "Yeah, she didn't die." :(

posted by jane at 9:59 PM

Tarzan has left the cave

Note to all cavemen: Tarzan has left the cave until Sunday! WooHoo! (not really WOOHOO at all) So, it's just me & Cheeta in this now lonesome rockhole. He went with kindred cavemen in a traveling cave to hunt fish. That cave-on-wheels will undoubtedly smell RIPE within 24 hours.
You'd think I'd go wild or something. Freedom! Right? WRONG! I know its healthy for him to go & it's unhealthy for me not to want him to. But I so desperately miss him when he's gone. Am I insecure & have no life? You betcha. I won't deny that. I also enjoy his company immensely.
And he looks so cute wearing only his loincloth. UGA!

Another e.q. in California. This 1 in Northern California & they've issued a tsunami warning. Northern California is like 2 states north of us. (If you're at all familiar with geography & know I'm not in Mexico, this will make sense). Now that I know we have literally hundreds of shakers a day, well I dont like that at all. But the timing of rather large (5+, 7+ in Alaska & 7.0 in Crescent City, Calif) is somewhat alarming.

I've surfed some blogs via BlogExplosion tonite & to say it simply: I'm feeling 100% inadequate. These other blogs have such cool webdesigns & the bloggers are exceptional writers. 1 exception is Paulie's place. I thought this blog, while somewhat juvenile, just struck a funny cord & made me laugh. I wouldn't say he's so much a good writer, he really doesn't write much. He doesnt mince words & what he did write made my 46 year old self laugh out loud.

posted by jane at 9:42 PM

Monday, June 13, 2005

Website for current earthquakes

This is pretty cool. At kfwb.com you can see a current log of earthquakes. At the homepage click on 'quake center' then on 'earthquakes' and you can see it. Save it in favorites & you can view this whenever you feel a shake......or hear about one.

posted by jane at 4:43 PM

MJ Verdict in 5

I dunno, I have a feeling they may acquit MJ on the molestation charges. Reason: About 1 hour before they announced a verdict, the jury was listening to testimony of the accuser. I'd think if it was beyond a reasonable doubt, they would've been settled on that charge beforehand.
IF they're undecided about the molestation charges & hang on those 2 counts, I hope that MJ leaves the country. I don't want to see his white or black face ever again! This guy is a freak & has nobody to blame but himself.
As a matter of fact, I'll be surprised if MJ actually gets out of the caravan! I wouldnt be 1 bit shocked if he's already fled the country.
PLEASE CONVICT THIS MONSTER!

posted by jane at 1:34 PM

Websites I Recommend

www.scanusa.com is priceless! This is available across america & you can enter up to 5 zipcodes. Its 100% free & no gimicks. This is a service that will notify you via email, fax, cellphone, etc. if there is a severe weather warning, a health warning, a SEXUAL PREDATOR MOVEMENT, an Amber Alert in any of the zipcodes you listed.
Yesterday, I received an alert that there was SEXUAL PREDATOR MOVEMENT in my mom's zipcode. A registered sexual offender has recently moved into her area. Scanusa provided me with his picture, name & a physical description. To me, that is invaluable.

www.thefatmanwalking.com journals Steve from California across the country in his journey to lose weight & change his life! Right now they need volunteers in the Needles area. Just for showering, recharging equipment, etc. Right on Steve!!

www.Harney.com is where I buy my tea. I get bags that are measured for 1 qt. of iced tea. Tarzan likes green tea with a herbal raspberry tea. This is the only place I've been able to find DECAF green tea.
My favorite is to mix hot cinnamon spice with organic rooibos. I have 3-4 cups of this each morning.
For my own iced tea (Tarzan doesn't like to share) I use the 1 qt. iced green tea & hot cinnamon spice. It's out of this world!!
Harney's has the best delivery of anything I've ordered online. Last week I placed an order on Tuesday & received it on Thursday. (thats going from East to West jungle!!)

www.philosophy.com is where I get my wonderful, heavenly scented bath products. They have keylime, mimosa, hot cocoa, apple spice, orange sherbet, raspberry sorbet, cinnamon buns & the list goes on & on. Most of the gels are 3 in 1's: shampoo, conditioner, shower gel. I also use them as bubblebath.
They also sell my favorite fragrance: Amazing Grace. They have the bodywash/shampoo, conditioner, perfume, lotion, spray oil (i like this for my frizzies), body scrub & a body mousse.
If you subscribe to their online mailing list, they usually have a monthly offer, ie: order $30 or more & get a free 4 oz. bodywash.

back to the cave I go.........

jane

posted by jane at 12:14 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

thoughts

I just watched a repeat of the Larry King Show. This 1 was hosted by Bob Costas & had as guests: Dick Cavet, Joan Paulie, Marriette Hartley & Dr. Kay Jamison. They are all bipolar. Marriette Hartley said that there is no shame to this disease. She said that more than 1 time. I just wanted to cry.
I feel so ashamed of who I am. And I feel that my family totally judges me because I'm on permanent disability due to bipolar disorder. 3 others in my family & all are still working. I worked until I was 40 but was unable to after that.
I feel like my family talks about me behind my back & wants me to pull up my bootstraps. (or some saying like that) Tarzan understands but I think thats because he sees me day in, day out. He knows how depressed I get & he can also tell me when I'm manic, many times before I realize that I am. Sometimes I get so embarassed when he tells me, even though he never says it in a mean way. I feel embarassed because I would've been speaking so insightfully or intelligently, not realizing that I'd be rambling & this is all but too familiar to him.
I dont want anybody's sympathy but I don't want their judgements either.


back to the cave....
jane

posted by jane at 9:59 PM

Friday, June 10, 2005

Are we really equal?

Something is bothering me about the Natalee Holloway incident. (In case you aren't familiar, the girl who went missing in Aruba) I'm very disturbed by the way that our media is handling it. And while I've had my suspicions that it was because she's a affluent, white blonde haired girl.....Bill O'Reilly somewhat confirmed that on his show last night.
He said that his viewers haven't been as obsessed since Laci Peterson case. Well, Laci Peterson was 8 months pregnant, remember? So, time was definately of the essence.
What bothers me about the Holloway case & the same thing that bothered me about the Elizabeth Smart case is, I think if Natalee Holloway were a black/hispanic/asian/anything 'not white' honor roll student we never would've sent extra FBI agents to Aruba. There wouldn't be all this press about it.
If you remember, at the same time Elizabeth Smart was missing, so was a little black girl backeast. But she wasn't in the media until her parents expressed their outrage about the discrimination. And they were right on!
Bill O'Reilly said the thing that makes us obsess about Natalee is that she could be any of our daughters. Really? Are ALL of your viewers daughters blonde & affluent, Bill? She couldn't be my daughter, thats for sure!
First of all, I would NEVER allow my daughter to go on a senior trip to another state, muchless country, even with 40+ chaperones. Remember, this wasn't an educational trip, it was a celebration. I've never quite understood that. And I've never understood parents that buy 'but we aren't going to drink" line either. Then why are they going to a country where the legal drinking age is 18?????
Me saying this doesn't mean that I don't feel for her family & hope that she returns home soon & safely. But I'm saying I wish our media & law enforcement would also focus on the poor, minority missing children who stayed in their home country, AMERICA, and try to find them too. Is that asking too much?
It's the underpriveleged kids that most need the help of authorities because their relatives probably can't afford to hire any private detectives, etc.
Maybe if parents of those missing kids would dye their childrens hair blonde, they'd get more help.

posted by jane at 5:07 PM

Where is Raymone Bain?

Raymone, where are you? I miss you girl! I've noticed that you've sent 2 messages out via faxes, but haven't made any public speeches since 'ol Tommy told you to SHUT UP! My guess is you've returned to Kansas to play opposite of Glenda the Good Witch. Or, the house could've fallen on you & you've melted. If this is the case, may I please have your shoes?
If I were a reported there is just 1 question I'd have:

Raymone, is that your own hair? Or is it:

A) One of Michael's wigs
B) Loreal
C) Something the cat dragged in

kiss kiss,
jane

posted by jane at 1:39 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

CANCER

I went to lunch today with my mom, my aunt, a cousin & a sister in law. I'd asked my aunt where Lola was & she told me she hasn't been feeling well. Lola found a lump & its in her lymph nodes. She's already battled breast cancer twice, this lump is by her neck/shoulders. Lola had gone to the Drs. on Monday & expecting tests by Friday. About 5 minutes later, my moms cell phone rings & while my mom is talking we can see she's getting very shaken up & starts to cry. After she hangs up she said it was Lola & that her lump is cancerous. Lola wanted to call while her mom was with all of us, so she wouldn't be alone when told.
My poor aunt. She lost her husband last year & has battled breast cancer herself. She started sobbing, heartbroken & my heart hurt so much for her. I so wanted to take away her hurt, her worries, to fix things. I sat by her & hugged her, reminding her what a fighter Lola is. And believe me, she is!
The waitress, hearing my aunt upset, asks whats wrong. My aunt starts telling the waitress in spanish that her daughter just found out she has cancer. I can tell the waitress asked if its breast cancer, by my aunts answer. She said no, but that her daughter has had breast cancer as well as her. The waitress hugs my aunt & comforts her.
Listening to her speak such a beautiful language so fluently reminds me that in my family, once my mom & aunt are gone, so is spanish. And for some reason at this moment I find such comfort in hearing her speak spanish. So many in my moms side seem to have died & my grandma's 2 sisters are very, very old now. 1 is the same age as my aunt, 84 & the other is in her 90s.
I never met my grandma as she died at age 50 of brain cancer. Somehow with these 2 other great-aunts aging so quickly, my aunt sobbing & my cousin with cancer, sadness is so near.
I want so much to hold my aunt so that she never goes away or hurts. And I want to protect my mom from ever getting hurt or sick. Although I've only spoken to my great-aunts a few time, I don't want them to age anymore.
Mostly though, there is Lola. We both have a sister, but for some unspoken reason, Lola & I have always been more like sisters. She's at least 15 years old than I am, but she holds such a dear & special place in my heart. Some people, without cause or reason, just take precedence in our lives. Lola is one of those people.

posted by jane at 2:31 PM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

So close but yet so far

It was fantastic to watch Shaq & the Heat lose last night. In game SEVEN. In the final SECONDS. And best of all, at HOME! yeeeehaw!!!
After having to listen to all the media bs about how Shaq was wrongfully traded, how the Lakers made such a huge mistake, etc. Lets recount a few things. Shall we?
First of all, Shaq DEMANDED to be traded. Once he found out the Lakers were 110% committed to "boy wonder" (shaq's sarcastic name for kobe) he insisted he be traded. Lakers had no option.
Secondly, Shaq was FAT!!!!!!!! And I dont mean 'phat' either. I can guarantee you this, if I were making over $30 million as an athlete, do you think I'd need the organization to tell me that I ought to be in good physical shape? (answer: NOPE)
Thirdly, ohhhhh the drama. Shaq never welcomed Kobe from day 1. He didn't like that Kobe never bowed down to Fatso & submitted to him. Shaq also had a falling out with Penny Hardaway from the Orlando Magic.
Why I ever expected the media to be objective about this situation is beyond me. They've never liked Kobe; he's not very personable. Shaq loves the media & the media loves Shaq. So they would publish ever insult he spewed at Kobe or the Lakers admin. So much for objective reporting. Undoubtedly the 'journalists' (modern day Rhona Barretts) didnt want to be blackballed by Shaq. Kiss asses!
The Lakers may have had a bad season but for us Laker fans, it was relaxing. It was enjoyable. Kobe wasn't shunned & the ball thrown to everybody but him. (as Shaq used to partake in) Kobe isn't Mr. Peronality & he never will be. So what? He's probably 1 of the greatest basketball players of all time & his prime is yet to come. So.........good riddance FATSO O'Neal!
When Shaq left the Lakers, so did the drama. He's the 1 who kept hurling insult after insult. Not Kobe. I'm glad they shipped his fat arse to Florida. He's a selfish whiner that wants ALL of the attention & glory. He'll only share it on HIS terms.
So, to say that I was elated last night when the Heat lost in the last 10 seconds, would be an understatement. All that work. All that sweat. Freethrows for Shaq? KerPLUNK! And to think that had he made more free throws his team would be on their ways to the finals now. Ohhh how sweet it is!

posted by jane at 1:59 PM

Saturday, June 04, 2005

My Cheeta

You'd never think it, but my pot bellied pig Cheeta has in many ways been my salvation. We got her on Oct. 5, 2002 when she was just 3 months old. 1 of my psychs. had recommended getting a pet. Tarzan is allergic to dog & cat hair, so being that I'd had a pbp before, I mentioned it. We had to do some research & he became more interested. When I saw an ad in the paper, we went to go see them. The coveted pigs were the gray & white ones, but when I saw Cheeta she caught my heart. Pigs normally squeal when you pick them up. When I picked Cheeta up, she was just fine. She was all black & her hair was so soft, she was perfectly adorable. So I put a baby blanket around her & held her as Tarzan dragged us home.
Well, lesson #1: the lady lied. She said Cheeta's parents (Faith Hill & Elvis) were 60-70 lbs. Not true because Cheeta is now nearing 120 lbs. I should have insisted on seeing the parents. Last April we took her to the vet & ever since then she hasn't been the same. They used an anesthesia on her that is a hallucogen for pigs.
lesson #2: take charge & find out EXACTLY what will be administered to your pet. Dont be afraid to stay with your pet during the entire procedure.
I wont go into details, but it was bad & she's had bad problems ever since. It got to the point where we were looking into giving her away. We were finally talking to 1 lady seriously & when she made a few snide remarks about Cheeta, there was no way I'd let her take Cheeta. It was within a day or so of that where I had a "lightbulb" moment. As one who has a mental disorder, who better than myself to watch out for the best interests of Cheeta, who also seems to have mental problems now? There'd be no giving her away. Ever.
Having a pig is different than a dog or cat. They don't lick their butts, don't bark and don't choke up hairballs. They're also the 4th smartest animal. She's helped me so much with my depression since I've had her, I havent had a serious episode (lasting months) of depression. Having a pig, I have to get up & feed her. She cant (wont) lay in bed with me so I cant sleep all day. (due to depression, not laziness) If I'm not out where she can see me she "mooooo's" for me. When I'm really sad, she will come & sit or lay by me.
This has somewhat of a downside though. When I am sad or crying, she sees this as a weakness. In the pig world, this is a sign that she can overthrow me in the herd & move up. The pecking order is: Tarzan, Myself, Cheeta. She wants it to me: Tarzan, Cheeta, Myself. And then eventually to be: Cheeta and then who cares what order the last 2 are in?? But it is an innate thing & something she'll constantly be dealing with. She doesn't really test him but always tests me.
I feel a special devotion toward her. Probably like someone does to their seeing eye dog or a donor. I think people see mental disorders as excuses & judge us, rather than seeing them as legitimate illnesses & address them as such. With this in mind, she helps me stay sane. Helps me stay alive & wanting to be part of this rat race.
So when I'm steaming her veggies or cutting up her cucumbers, how can that seem extreme after all she gives me?

posted by jane at 10:54 PM